[Need A Critique] Clothing Store Website Sales Letter

Have you shown this to any moms you know?

Are you a mom?

Is this for direct mail or is this going on your website home page?

If it's the latter then why state the name of the website while they're already on the website?

Add a little urgency -- don't forget cut-off dates for your limited-time offers...

And I'm not the target market but the headline seems a bit like "self-indulgent" creativity. Since when is pregnancy "bliss"? Don't you throw up a lot and your feet swell up? I dunno... (I'm a dude...)

Point is, sometimes writers get stuck on some bit of "creativity" they fall in love with... Gotta take a long hard look at it and ask if it really helps the copy... Just sayin'...

Forgetting the copy for just a moment, you've got some issues with spelling and punctuation. I only skimmed through this but you've got so many commas in odd places that it really disrupts the flow of your sentences.

Many would rather jump onto a stage and do a speech to complete strangers (with no script) rather than post a critique here.

So well done for being so brave.

As for the advice - I would do a large postcard maybe with 3 outfits highlighting the offer and directing the mums - to - be to the interweb site.

Because essentially that is the aim.

Postcards are a lot cheaper, you can use color and can distribute tons more than letters.

And the sales are made not from a letter or postcard but when the ladies see all the styles and designs.

Again, all you should so is entice them in droves to the site in the most cost effective way possible.


Steve

Don't use so much hype, and cut straight through the crap to what she really wants.

Think of, "experience your pregnancy bliss" to a real-world reflection of how she would actually think - "look and feel like the most beautiful woman in the entire world"

Also, think of your user's knowledge and understanding of what you write - do they have a refrence in their head already for exactly what "pink bluish maternity" means when they read it, or is their brain going to draw a blank and go, "what's that?" and have to do the hard work of trying to figure out.

I'd also remove, "So, if you’re the type who loves to wear oversized t-shirts with holes and grease stains and sweat pants while you’re pregnant then, read no farther, this is not for you" - that image enters your customer's mind while they're on your page, and through psychological imprinting they unconsciously associate that image and feelings while they're looking at your page.

I'd say write this entire sales lettering speaking to what's going through her mind, and what solution she's looking for from your products.

Write this thinking:

"she's feeling insecure about herself, her looks, and her weight, how do I tell her my clothes and products will make her look and feel like the most beautiful woman in the world with very little dent to her bank account?"

Write everything in your content as an answer to that question.

I would cut it much shorter. AND focus only on the benefits of the end user. Example: Look good while you're pregnant, or feel comfortable in our clothes. Basically youu must always focus on the benefits they will experience when they buy your clothes. Adding a video to reinforce those benefits will also help tremendously.

Hope that helped you

I have no idea if the content of your message will relate to soon-to-be mothers, but here are a couple of things I can say with certainty:

1) You're misusing comma's a lot. For example: "Including, elegant dresses so, you can..." In this case, the commas should actually be deleted completely.

2) Too many so's.

3) The offer is confusing. Is it $25 off or 20% off or both? After a closer look, it seems the message is an additional 20% off if they sign up. Clearly state that. Right now, it is too complicated.

On to more of a speculation... is elite really a word you want to use when describing clothing for pregnant women? Do they want to be elite?

Elite: A group or class of persons considered to be superior to others because of their intelligence, social standing, or wealth. The best or most skilled members of a group.

Versus the use of elegant in the sentence immediately after.

Elegant: Tasteful in dress, style, or design. Dignified and graceful in appearance, behavior, etc.

Now, I can't say whether you should use elite or not. I just wanted you to realize the affect one word can have on the image and feeling you give to the reader.

You are working way to hard at that...try something simpler that's entering the conversation already going on in the prospects mind...

Why Pregnant Women Dress Like Old Ladies

And how to feel yourself again...

Dear Mom-To-Be,

Why do clothing manufacturers think maternity wear should also mean 'old lady' wear?

It's a time in your life you should feel beautiful.

You should be absolutely glowing.

I'll bet you feel frumpy instead.

It's like they think because you're pregnant, you don't have any need to feel pretty...

Like you're somehow not a woman anymore.

Typical maternity wear is probably designed by a man...

Great copy by John.

And dare I say, it would fit perfectly onto a Postcard.


Steve

Q&A: Budget maternity clothes? - Pregnancy - Maternity Fashion


"Saving Up For Baby
Q&A: Budget Maternity Clothes?

I’m reluctant to spend much on maternity clothes,because I know I won’t need them for very long. How can I save money as I shop?

You’re not the only one with this problem… as evidenced by the stacks of barely worn maternity clothes in most secondhand stores. (A great place to find quality bargains, by the way.) The easiest place to start, though, is at home… in your husband’s closet. His clothes will be great for lounging around the house throughout your pregnancy, and his button-downs and blazers will probably work for the office well into your pregnancy. Worn unbuttoned, your own sweaters and blazers should also fit into your last trimester.

Once you’re ready to pick up the pocketbook, go for a few quality basics (black pants, twill or denim pants,skirt, dress, blazer) in neutral colors (black, brown, navy). Look for items that can be dressed up for work or down for the weekends. Spend less money on cardigans, fitted tees and camis. These cheaper tops are a great place to get bright colors and patterns in, if you want. Rather than buy lots of tops at once, pick them up along the way to keep your wardrobe fresh… and fitting! Another smart place to splurge is on accessories. You’ll still fit in a necklace or scarf after baby comes, so it’s worth the investment.

Finally, while it’s always smart to save, don’t be too frugal.Well-fitting clothes that make you feel good will make those tough last months a little bit more manageable.

By The Bump Editors"

When it comes to maternity clothes, here's some ideas:

https://www.google.com/search?num=20....0.iw85P8Ow4ZI

Complex makes a good point.

So blend John and Ricks copy together.

Both are great (I like Johns appeal to the ego and that women know best. And Ricks "you know what, you don't have to buy…but if you do here's how to do it).

Add some brilliant images and terrific testimonials like Complex said.

Maybe I mentioned images a bit earlier as well.

And now you have a really good piece.

It's going to need a very large Postcard to fit it all in.

Like a "bump"er size.

Now there's a thought, make it a pregnant postcard.


Steve

To start off I would like to say thanks to everyone who replied. But, a real thank to Angie Cole. I went on different mommy forums and looked at what they had to say about maternity clothes. At of them said that they were expensive and not stylish.

I came up with the first part of the sales letter...so you can tell me what you think. All of these ideas came from the forums.



Dear Stylish Mom-To-Be,

You woke up this morning and tried on your favorite pair of blue jeans, but they wouldn't zip.

You're probably thinking, “Crap! I am NOT buying any expensive maternity clothes...Especially, since, I wouldn't wear them in a few months.”

Or

You could be thinking, “Maternity clothes aren't stylish...they’ll make me look overweight not pregnant!”

For most maternity clothing lines and stores... the above is true.

But Pink Blush Maternity offers inexpensive clothing with comfort and style.

Read what one recent customer said about us:

“PinkBlush has a wide selection of youthful, on-trend maternity wear that I haven’t been able to find in any store...Traditional maternity stores are boring and pricey. As someone who doesn't believe that being pregnant means that you can’t look good, I think PinkBlush fills the gap quite well and I will definitely buy from them in the future.” -- Sally.

Much better...

If you're going that angle, try making it even simpler but more specific...

Angie makes a great point. And you could use her advice to change a line like this:

"You woke up this morning and tried on your favorite pair of blue jeans, but they wouldn't zip."

to something like..

"Wouldn't it be nice to throw on a pair of jeans, fresh out of the wash, and they fit you perfectly...even when you're 9 months pregnant?

And wouldn't it be nice if those same jeans were reasonably priced in the first place?"

Coming out and directly saying "I know that you are thinking X,Y,Z" is risky, because it immediately challenges your visitor to potentially disagree with your frame.

You can hit the same points using a couple of different approaches. One way is to simply rewrite it as a question rather than a definitive statement: "Are you tired of hard to clean mildew stains?" "Are you fed up fancy exercise machines that do nothing to kill that unsightly fat around your waist?" "Are you tired of trying to find affordable maternity clothes that actually fit without making you look fat?"

You could also use a narrative style story to hit the same points. This often works best as a first person story, but it can also work in the third person:

"Meet Sandy. Sandy is pregnant with her second child in three years. Sandy loves being a mom and can't wait to add a new member to her family. Sandy tries to look good, but hates buying for expensive maternity clothes that only will only fit for a few months...."

This way is a little bit harder to execute, but can be very powerful if done well.

Also, the whole "Warning! ... if you’re the type who loves to wear oversized t-shirts with holes and grease stains and sweat pants while you’re pregnant then, read no farther, this is not for you." comes off really over the top. Holes and grease stains?

While using something like "this is not for you if..." can be an effective way to position your value proposition against an alternative, the alternative needs to be realistic for this to be credible. You can't just say "Warning! This is not for you if you love going around looking like sh*t!"

You need to set up an alternative that is realistic, but simply outside the framework of your core value proposition: "If you are perfectly content to spend the 9 months wearing nothing but leggings and oversized t-shirts this may not be for you." OR "If you have the budget (and size 0 body) of a celebrity then read no further." There is nothing wrong if someone happens to fall in either those groups, they simply are not someone who is gong to be receptive to your value proposition..

I think really good work is being done here. I love the collaboration from everyone.

I believe PinkBlushMaternity.com could OWN the online maternity clothes market.

But not they way they're going about it.

The issue is NOT with the copy, but with the offer.

"Right now, Pink Bush Maternity is offering you a $25 off coupon code. Plus, US shipping is free on orders $50 and over.Type in Code: PINK3 to get your $25 off on your order (this coupon code does not work on clearance items)."

It's not good enough. It's not different enough. It's not enough to overcome big company branding. It's not irresistible.

I would encourage fresh ideas in this area.

Here's why:

I'm sure several copywriters on the forum can reaffirm that the chances of a pregnant woman hitting the website and placing an order on their first visit is slim. That means email follow-up, special email promotions, bonding with your prospects is implied.

So what can PinkBlushMaternity.com do to separate themselves from the competition?

Again, great work!

- Rick Duris

My take (sans formatting) (new here and this text box is a real goof)...


Experience Pregnancy Bliss in Style
with
Pink Blush Maternity


Dear Reader,


Becoming a Mom Shouldn't Mean Giving Up On Style.


Pregnancy is a great excuse to accessorise.

Why wait till the baby arrives to make with the next big change in your life?


At Pink Blush Maternity we believe you should party right to the wire.

Fancy a night out on the town with your significant other (or 'guy')?

We have all the elegant dresses you need to look knockout!


Big news is, size is no big deal when it comes to hitting the catwalk with a baby bump.

From XS - 3XL, we've got you covered, hon.

That's everything from chic and trendy to everyday pants and blouses.

Just tap on our sizing guide and step on out.


Best of all, our premium style isn't tagged to a premium cost.

We figure your baby will need stuff like a ROOM and DIAPERS in addition to a knock-em-dead mom.


Make the best of waiting for the Stork by visiting pinkblushmaternity.com.


Right now, you can pick up a $25 off coupon code.

Just type in PINK3 and high five an angel.*

If you're new here, your next order is 20% off, and US shipping is free on orders $50 and over.

[hmmm, not sure I quite get the offers, but hey]


Who knew pregnancy was so stylish?

Who knew YOU were so stylish?





* There are clearance offers also, so check these out for other ways to save cash.

Awww, Seth. I never knew you were aiming for knockin' Ah-nold out of contention for the eventual remake of Junior.

Hi there,

You need a stronger call to action. You're just presenting the website and the products, but you're not urging the prospective customer to buy. It's more of a presentation than a sales copy.

Also, you should double-check your spelling and grammar. For example: "This letter is for the glamorous woman whose excited..." - where "whose" is actually "who's". This is unacceptable in a copy.

All the best,
Typing Pandas