Please help: I am trying to come up with a good headline

22 replies
Hi,

I am working on a headline and I want it to be simple, direct and invoke benefit to my prospects.

I provide Manage IT Services to small business and many times I find it very difficult to create a good message capture prospect's attention. Here is what I have.

1. "Keep All Systems Running at Full Speed"
2. "Become More Profitable with Better Technology"
3. "Better Technology, Less Downtime, Keep More of Your Profit"

I particularly prefer number 3 but would like your input on making it better or on any of the other two.

Your help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance.
#good #headline
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  • Profile picture of the author JohnMcCabe
    First off, don't stop at three choices. Try for 100.

    As for the three you've listed, they all seem pretty vague. Don't try to be clever or cute.

    Think. What is the single biggest headache your target prospects have regarding your service? What makes their blood pressure spike and drives them to drink?

    Hammer that in your headline.

    Remember, you aren't trying to get the attention of everyone. You're trying to get the attention of a very specific group of people - those in charge of IT Services.

    Off the top of my head...

    "It's 4:00 Friday Afternoon, the network just crashed, and your IT guy just left for ComicCon - who do you call?"

    or

    "Tired of being on hold so long you find yourself humming your 'support' number's jingle?"
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    • Profile picture of the author ZionSeeker
      JohnMcCabe, Thank you for your feedback. The "Tired of being on hold...", that really resinate with me. Below I explained a bit more as to how I will be using this.
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      • Profile picture of the author ryanbiddulph
        John offers sound advice here.

        Really explore different topics.

        Sometimes, when we are in a rush, we hurry and limit ourselves to 3 or 5 or 10 titles. Go beyond. Give yourself 30 minutes or longer to explore. Because when you find the right title for you, and get clear on it, things will began to expand for you, business-wise.

        It's the awesome effect of clarity at play.

        Ryan
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  • Profile picture of the author yukon
    Banned
    Originally Posted by ZionSeeker View Post

    Hi,

    I am working on a headline and I want it to be simple, direct and invoke benefit to my prospects.

    I provide Manage IT Services to small business and many times I find it very difficult to create a good message capture prospect's attention. Here is what I have.

    1. "Keep All Systems Running at Full Speed"
    2. "Become More Profitable with Better Technology"
    3. "Better Technology, Less Downtime, Keep More of Your Profit"

    I particularly prefer number 3 but would like your input on making it better or on any of the other two.

    Your help would be greatly appreciated.

    Thank you in advance.





    Downtime is a negative, turn it around so it's positive.

    Example:
    • How we increased server uptime by 87%


    • How: You're about to show traffic how to do something.
    • We: Includes everyone.
    • Increased: Past tense, it's already done and proven.
    • Server: Niche specific.
    • Uptime: Something positive.
    • 87%: Specific number.

    Break your headlines down like the example above and walk through each word step-by-step, tweak as needed. Keep it as short and simple as possible. Stay focused.

    Always be split testing older headlines that have good conversions.
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    • Profile picture of the author ZionSeeker
      Great point Yukon. I like the positive approach. I was looking at it from the FEAR approach. Thank you.
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  • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
    Be useful to know how prospects will see this message... is the prospect coming to your website (i.e. actively looking for IT help), or are you reaching out to them via mail/e-mail?

    If it's the former, you can probably be quite direct. "Why X,XXX Small Business Owners Use [COMPANY NAME] IT Solutions."

    If it's the latter, perhaps something like "The $X,XXX Profit Leak Hidden in Your Biz" or "The Little-Known Way to Boost Yer Profitz $XX,XXX", etc.

    Cheers,
    Colm
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    • Profile picture of the author ZionSeeker
      Sorry Colmodwyer, I did a poor job explaining how I was using it. But I just replied and it's for a Facebook and Twitter cover page. Thanks!
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  • Profile picture of the author ZionSeeker
    Thank you all for the feedback so far. I am sorry I should have mentioned how I will be displaying this headline.

    I am planning on creating Facebook and Twitter covers. When someone lands on my page they would already know somewhat of what we do. I just want to have in that top banner a headline to rely the benefits prospective clients that would get by choosing us.

    I hope this make more sense. Thank you.
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    • Profile picture of the author GordonJ
      Originally Posted by ZionSeeker View Post

      Thank you all for the feedback so far. I am sorry I should have mentioned how I will be displaying this headline.

      I am planning on creating Facebook and Twitter covers. When someone lands on my page they would already know somewhat of what we do. I just want to have in that top banner a headline to rely the benefits prospective clients that would get by choosing us.

      I hope this make more sense. Thank you.
      Why and HOW do they "land on my page"?

      So they are already coming, have hit a link somewhere to get there, WhY?

      What was the reason they land on your page? I'd reinforce THAT. Whatever it was that got them there, use it again with more purpose.

      If they are a small business in need of IT, and saw a tweet, then hit your link, YOU KNOW why they are there, now give them a reason to stay.

      GordonJ
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    • Profile picture of the author JohnMcCabe
      Originally Posted by ZionSeeker View Post

      Thank you all for the feedback so far. I am sorry I should have mentioned how I will be displaying this headline.

      I am planning on creating Facebook and Twitter covers. When someone lands on my page they would already know somewhat of what we do. I just want to have in that top banner a headline to rely the benefits prospective clients that would get by choosing us.

      I hope this make more sense. Thank you.
      It does make sense, but it doesn't change my advice.

      Don't try to be too clever. If you have a value proposition, spit it out.

      Maybe something like "Reliable, professional IT service management, so you can do what you do instead of worrying about your servers."

      A bit wordy, but you get the point. You're in the B2B space, and in this type of application, you already have a bit of attention. Now you just need to spell out your biggest benefit in plain language for your very busy audience.
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  • Profile picture of the author DeciBoy13
    Don't over think it my friend. You want it to stand out but don't get to crazy with it but also try not to be so mainstream with it.

    Make sure there is some congruency with the headline and the copy.

    Cheers!
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve B
    From what you have described, you want a business slogan or tagline rather than a headline.

    Headlines are a different animal that are specific to a particular story, article, offer or some other piece of content.

    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    The business owner's office computer/computers mostly crash
    first thing in the morning when they are turned on.

    An it guy told me this and that's when all hell breaks loose.

    Knowing this, what does the biz owner want?

    He wants to know how quickly he can be up and running again.

    So you create a landing page that is in a form of a questionnaire.


    "What's happened to your computer?"

    "Which is more important to you,
    price or speed?"

    "What is your location?"

    "What is your phone number you can be reached?"

    They click on a form submission which takes them to a page
    with a time you can be onsite

    Questionnaires like this are beating other forms of marketing for emergency services.

    Best,
    Ewen
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  • To me, 1) is unclear. You might as well be doing source code optimization ("full speed"), or provide high-availability services ("all systems running").

    2) sounds to me as if you sell hardware.

    3) doesn't tell me what you're actually doing. Maybe you sell technology, like servers. Or maybe you advise about better technology. Or maybe you ... review the network and upgrades parts of it, for better uptime?

    I think it's hard to come up with a good headline :- )
    I'm about to post a question about that myself, & I've tried many failed headlines in the past.

    I might understand something like "We can manage your servers for you", if that's what you're doing? (I hadn't encountered the phrase "managed IT services" previously)
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  • Profile picture of the author rebby
    You have really done well by coming up with those ideas but turning them into a catchy headline that will inspire readers to stop by and want to read your article is far the most pivotal thing.
    Before you start writing your content, you need to understand how important planning your headline ahead is. Your headline is the first aspect of your content that your readers first see upon landing o your page. So, pay serious attention to this and you will be able to boost your site's readership, likes and buzz.
    To cut it to the chase, there are simple tricks or tips I would recommend you follow to come up with attention-grabbing headlines.
    Use Powerful Adjectives:
    Including some powerful adjectives such as incredible, absolute, fun, effective, ultimate, easy, free, amazing, etc. in your headlines will make your article sounds authoritative and arouse your reader's sense of anxiety to want to read your article.
    Use Numbers:
    Perhaps you wonder why most writers always like to use numbers in their headlines, the rationale behind this is not far-fetched at all - it works magic for them. Don't you also wonder why many magazines you see in the grocery stores have numerals in their headlines? It's simply because it works. While old numbers like 3, 5, 7, etc. works a lot there is no general rule as to a particular number that you should use or work better.
    Include Strong and Original Rationale:
    This particularly applies to a list post. If you're considering writing a list post do consider to use words such as ways, reasons, lessons, tricks, tips, secrets, facts, and many more to buttress your point.
    Give Very Valuable Promise:
    Another trick to making your headlines very catchy to your readers is by making a very courageous promise. Let him/her see from the headline what h/she is going to benefit from taking his time to read your article. But don't over-promise nor renege on your promise.
    Use Why, What, How and When, etc.:
    By using these phrases you'll be able to stir your readers to action. No wonder such words are called "trigger words". The only thing about using this is that you can't use them when you've already used numbers.
    Putting The Above Tricks Into A Practices
    In order to start using the tips above, here are some examples to give you inspiration.
    Taking this formula as a guide:
    Trigger word / Number + Adjectives + Keywords + Keywords + Promise
    Examples:
    "9 Incredible Tips You Can Make Money as an Affiliate Marketer Without A Blog/Website"
    "How To Make Consistent Income Without A Blog"
    "Why Working Online Is The Best and Easiest Way to Make a Living"
    "Making $250 Per Day - Guaranteed"
    Following all the tricks above, you would be able to write a killer headline that readers will be willing to read any day anytime.
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  • Profile picture of the author OptedIn
    My most successful email subject line that I have used in 2017 has been, "I Destroy Businesses," which, by the way, I lifted from a thread on this forum. lol

    I then went on to describe that the best way to make sure that their business wasn't one of them was to hire me to crush their competition. The email was not for the faint of heart and I'm sure that it turned as many people off as it piqued the interest of others. That was OK, because the ones that didn't respond positively were NOT people that I would have ever wanted to work with.

    My most impactful message in speaking to small, especially new businesses owners, was that they are engaged in a war for survival and if they didn't approach their advertising and marketing with that in mind, they would simply become a 'casualty of war' and soon be forgotten in the marketplace.

    I call it 'Blunt Force Marketing.' I was sort of, but not completely surprised, to discover in talking to prospective clients that those with a military or sports background were the most interested in hearing about my techniques.

    I'm thinking of doing 'Mary Poppins Marketing' for the snowflakes.

    Thank you.
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    "He not busy being born, is busy dying." - Bob Dylan • "I vibe with the light-dark point. Heavy." - Words that Bob Dylan wishes he had written.

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    • Profile picture of the author JohnMcCabe
      Originally Posted by OptedIn View Post

      My most impactful message in speaking to small, especially new businesses owners, was that they are engaged in a war for survival and if they didn't approach their advertising and marketing with that in mind, they would simply become a 'casualty of war' and soon be forgotten in the marketplace.

      Thank you.
      You chose that message and approach to fit a segment of your niche market - small and especially new business owners.

      I'm guessing that the same message would not fly for techie types in larger companies.

      Different mindset, different message.

      Either way, it's a great example of using your messaging to sort in the people you want to attract and sort out the rest.
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      • Profile picture of the author OptedIn
        Originally Posted by JohnMcCabe View Post

        You chose that message and approach to fit a segment of your niche market - small and especially new business owners.
        Precisely.

        I'm guessing that the same message would not fly for techie types in larger companies.
        No. There's a term for that in sales, as in life. 'Epic fail.' :-)

        Different mindset, different message.

        Either way, it's a great example of using your messaging to sort in the people you want to attract and sort out the rest.
        The beauty of the mindset of my favorite type of client is that they are generally aggressive, are smart enough to realize that they basically know nothing in relationship to what I do and how I do it and they are ready to spend money to achieve their goals.

        I used to have a much simpler way of qualifying prospects with one question and now I have folded it into my consultation repertoire. I would ask them, "If you recognized that your business was starting to falter and that you could be facing financial issues in the immediate future if you did not take action, what is the first thing you would cut." I was shocked at how many replied with, "Advertising,"

        I never took those clients on. You can't work for people that don't possess even a fundamental knowledge of business tenets.

        Thank you.
        Signature

        "He not busy being born, is busy dying." - Bob Dylan • "I vibe with the light-dark point. Heavy." - Words that Bob Dylan wishes he had written.

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    • Profile picture of the author dburk
      Originally Posted by OptedIn View Post

      I'm thinking of doing 'Mary Poppins Marketing' for the snowflakes.
      Hi OptedIn,

      Brilliant, marketing is warfare for business. I like that.

      Here's my suggestions for your "snowflake" campaign.

      "Your Safe Place For Business"

      "Every Business Person Deserves A Trophy!"

      "Your Business Is Entitled To Equal Outcomes"

      "FREE Social Justice Trophies For Every Business, Just For Participating"

      Enjoy,

      Don Burk
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      • Profile picture of the author OptedIn
        Originally Posted by dburk View Post

        Enjoy,
        Thank you, Don. Enjoy that - I truly did. :-)

        Thank you!
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        "He not busy being born, is busy dying." - Bob Dylan • "I vibe with the light-dark point. Heavy." - Words that Bob Dylan wishes he had written.

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  • Profile picture of the author Oliver Rights
    You can more practice.
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