Sales Letter Review: Please check it out, Thanks!

Trav,

Thanks for pointing that out! I had a strange feeling over me when most visitors have a short time span, I'd probably have to change the whole headline to a more powerful one..

Will think about it, thanks again!

Edmund

Okay lets start with the beginning. Your logo sucks, get it done professionally for $30 on rent a coder. They have some outstanding logo designers.

Your headline reeks of B.S.

You are going for a status appeal but your copy design looks like bargain basement. If you are going to go upper class, high end, wealthy/affluent appeal, THEN MAKE IT LOOK AFFLUENT.

Look at Donald Trumps website, it reeks of wealth and power. Your ad reeks of something someone chopped up in their basement.

Why does it say Promotion >> The Upper Class Investor. Dont tell them your going to try to sell them something so early on.

First line, also B.S. How is it meant for my eyes only? This isnt some special secret web link, this is a public page, your lying to me, now I dont trust you.

Next line, also B.S. detector goes WAY off. Who are you to say your going to turn me into Warren Buffet, why should I believe you? What kind of results have you got? If you know how to make money like Warren Buffet how come YOUR not a billionaire?

YOU ARE LYING THROUGH YOUR TEETH IN THIS AD AND IT SHOWS

Your dealing with people who are very,very,very smart. They do business deals and negotiate like hell. You think they cant see straight through you? You are exaggerating to hell and back and as a prospective customer reading this you are sending the B.S. detector off like crazy.

Copy gets much better on paragraph two and starts to sound like something real.

Your letter doesnt sound enough like a conversation. Sounds like your writing to the queen of england. Talk to me like we are two wealthy investors sitting in the back of a club in Dubai talking money.

Not like im some old bat who speaks 16th century english. Talk to me like a new yorker, a business man, an investor, no bs, no holds barred. Lets talk money here.

Again you are exaggerating. Your letter would be infinitely better if you were completely and absolutely truthful with 0 exaggeration. Write as if every word would have to hold up in the supreme court.

Is this really a once in a life time opportunity? Common. I can get research from hundreds of firms. Then you start talking about yourself, I dont care about you, I care about me.

Then it gets repetitive, your telling me stuff you already told me.

This is good "4 hours each day is equivalent to 120 hours a month. In all, you will lose 1440 hours of precious time to being stuck behind your desk... That's a grand total of 60 valuable days of your 365 days spent miserably alone."

After that it starts getting better, but again, repetitive. Your telling me things you told me in the letter.

The copy is slowing down because your going backwards. First you talk about these reports now your going all the way back to leveraging. This kind of stuff needs to be BEFORE you ever mention reports, etc. You need to improve the order in which you present your sales arguments in the copy, its out of whack.

I dont want you to help me do the research, I want you to do it for me!

Also I wouldnt just talk about how much time your going to save me but also how much money your going to make me. On top of that I would like to see some track record and a ton of proof that shows you are the real deal and your research is extremely good.

I want to see testimonials, a history of your track record, gurus endorsing you, etc.

Also it says you are going to do this personally. However, WHO THE F*CK ARE YOU? I dono who you are, you never introduced yourself or told me WHY I should have you do my research for me instead of every other shmuck.

Anyways thats enough for now. This could be actually a fairly good letter once its been thoroughly polished. You've got some good understanding of building desire. The key problem is the sequence you are presenting your information is all over the place, your exaggerating and building disbelief and distrust and there not enough proof and credibility. The main problem is belief and the overall copy structure.

Basically, I would say there is a lot of potential in this ad but first you have to polish it lots, then it will start to come out much stronger. Think of it like assembling a symphony. You have some good pieces here and there but it has to all come together as one and be strong as a body of work. Its not enough to have good bits and pieces, the entire copy from beginning to end has to be un-putdownable.

It has to be so good that you start reading and dont stop until you have read the whole letter. It has to be like your falling out of a plane and you dont stop until you hit the ground. Thats the way your copy needs to read. It doesnt have momentum, thats the missing key to this. And belief, investors are skeptical, you need to ease all skepticism. Act like you have to convince a judge in the supreme court to buy your product. Your not just going to make outlandish claims because she will tear you to bits.

Also your copy is to boring, needs more drama.