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I've written my life's first Sales Letter. What do you think of it? [UPDATE] New revised version up.

by Karan Goel
17 replies
Hey Warriors.

I've done it. Wohoo..

I have written my life's very first sales letter. But, I would like to know what do you think.

Here's the link:
Code:
http://www.gizmoko.com/Tracks/
EDIT: I have created another one after a lot of modifications.

Code:
http://www.gizmoko.com/Tracks/index2.html


Please review this one now!

Please be noted that:
1. Order link is not up.
2. Sample MP3's aren't up.

I just need the sales page to be criticized, and any suggestions be given. Also, I'm confused where to add graphics, except the "Buy Now" link. Any suggestion?

Thanks
Karan

To the mods: This is not a "trick" to get buyers/visitors to my page. The page isn't 100% ready and won't be for 2-3 weeks. So, please don't be offended. Thanks.
#letter #life #sales #written
  • Profile picture of the author x3xsolxdierx3x
    Karan,

    I'm kind of a big fan of the very first sentence being a question....believe it or not, I have never seen that before...interesting....
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    • Profile picture of the author Karan Goel
      Originally Posted by x3xsolxdierx3x View Post

      Karan,

      I'm kind of a big fan of the very first sentence being a question....believe it or not, I have never seen that before...interesting....
      Hey

      Don't know which "first sentence" are you of. The sales page one or the one in the OP?

      Karan

      Originally Posted by bmatthews View Post

      Other than a few typos, pretty good actually.
      You might also want to explain more clearly why your royalty free music should be chosen by Youtubers (because that would be your largest target market) over the royalty free music youtube provides for it's videos?
      Hey

      I actually have not completed the sales page as of now. I'll proof read at least 20 times, and make my friends read it at least 2 times each. That might help reduce the typos.

      As far as explanation for choosing my music is concerned, thanks a lot for the advice. I'll that bit along with the samples in a few days.

      Thanks
      Karan
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  • Profile picture of the author LoveMoney
    Other than a few typos, pretty good actually.
    You might also want to explain more clearly why your royalty free music should be chosen by Youtubers (because that would be your largest target market) over the royalty free music youtube provides for it's videos?
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Your headline is weak. In fact, you have no real headline. You really need a good headline to grab your reader's attention. Otherwise people won't even know what you're selling and leave.

    Then you go on about tracks. That's fine for people who know what you're talking about but for many of your customers you'll need to give a brief explanation of what you're selling, which is apparently royalty-free music. Explain what royalty-free music is, talk a bit about how it's licensed and what kind of rights you're selling. Then people will know what they're getting into.

    Then you make the false statement that music is the only or best thing to grab someone's attention real quick. That's hardly true. It's one of many ways.

    You've got the right idea in presenting problems. But the problems you list are also weak. You start by saying that people cannot create their own music. That may be true for some but not true for others. You might consider saying something like,

    "...and even if you're able to write your own music you'll spend hours practicing, recording and getting it where you need it..."

    Sell them on the convenience of using your stuff. Your other arguments are weak too. There are plenty of reliable sellers of royalty-free music out there and not all of it is $30 per piece. I could do a search right now and come up with a dozen sites where you could get it very cheap or even free.

    With every weak point or half-true 'problem' you have up there you're going to lose more readers. It's called credibility and yours is suffering with this page in its present state. This isn't a bad first effort but still needs a LOT of work. Good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author Karan Goel
      Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

      Your headline is weak. In fact, you have no real headline. You really need a good headline to grab your reader's attention. Otherwise people won't even know what you're selling and leave.

      Then you go on about tracks. That's fine for people who know what you're talking about but for many of your customers you'll need to give a brief explanation of what you're selling, which is apparently royalty-free music. Explain what royalty-free music is, talk a bit about how it's licensed and what kind of rights you're selling. Then people will know what they're getting into.

      Then you make the false statement that music is the only or best thing to grab someone's attention real quick. That's hardly true. It's one of many ways.

      You've got the right idea in presenting problems. But the problems you list are also weak. You start by saying that people cannot create their own music. That may be true for some but not true for others. You might consider saying something like,

      "...and even if you're able to write your own music you'll spend hours practicing, recording and getting it where you need it..."

      Sell them on the convenience of using your stuff. Your other arguments are weak too. There are plenty of reliable sellers of royalty-free music out there and not all of it is $30 per piece. I could do a search right now and come up with a dozen sites where you could get it very cheap or even free.

      With every weak point or half-true 'problem' you have up there you're going to lose more readers. It's called credibility and yours is suffering with this page in its present state. This isn't a bad first effort but still needs a LOT of work. Good luck.
      Hello sir.

      I just love your criticism. You have actually come up with points that would have really hit me hard.

      I'll build a checklist of what's missing and what's wrong and act upon it ASAP.

      Karan

      Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

      That's not gonna cut it. It's not clear at all what you're offering - selling - and what the benefit is. Something about "You get 45+ Royalty-free music tracks" wasn't it? Hardly earth-shattering offer is it. TravelinGuy has covered it pretty well.
      Ok. Thanks for pointing it out.

      I'll look out for better vocabulary (English isn't my first language) with my teacher and library resources.

      Thanks a lot.

      Karan
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Hi Karan,

        Your first effort, Karan was way better than my first effort. I'll give you that for sure.

        Both travlinguy and Metronicity are on the money. But I also want to emphasize a couple of things:

        Your formatting and font selection are a bit amateurish. Too many fonts and sizes. Now that may have been deliberate. I do it sometimes just to recalibrate the eye and focus attention. But I don't sense that's the case with your page.

        I am not saying it you should only have one font or one size. I am saying you need more continuity.

        Look at it this way: A change of font or a size or format represents a change to the reader. Readers don't think about it consciously, but the implication subconsciously implies "pay attention to me now--this is important."

        Second, what most people don't understand about copywriting is while getting attention, fanning the flames of interest and desire, and getting people to act now is important... the most important thing is being CLEAR about what you are offering and how it will improve people's lives and help people and their business.

        Clarity is the most important thing.

        Best of success,

        - Rick Duris
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        • Profile picture of the author Karan Goel
          Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

          Hi Karan,

          Your first effort, Karan was way better than my first effort. I'll give you that for sure.

          Both travlinguy and Metronicity are on the money. But I also want to emphasize a couple of things:

          Your formatting and font selection are a bit amateurish. Too many fonts and sizes. Now that may have been deliberate. I do it sometimes just to recalibrate the eye and focus attention. But I don't sense that's the case with your page.

          I am not saying it you should only have one font or one size. I am saying you need more continuity.

          Look at it this way: A change of font or a size or format represents a change to the reader. Readers don't think about it consciously, but the implication subconsciously implies "pay attention to me now--this is important."

          Second, what most people don't understand about copywriting is while getting attention, fanning the flames of interest and desire, and getting people to act now is important... the most important thing is being CLEAR about what you are offering and how it will improve people's lives and help people and their business.

          Clarity is the most important thing.

          Best of success,

          - Rick Duris
          Hey Rick.

          Thanks for the words.

          The font..Hmmm.. That was the thing I thought was "looking different". Thanks for pointing it.

          I am planning to revise it by Monday.

          Karan
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          • Profile picture of the author Paul Hooper-Kelly
            Hey Karan,

            I think that's a great effort for first time out of the gate!

            You've stated the advantages of music and then moved on to highlight the problem.

            And then you've introduced the product.

            Then you've minimized the price by comparing what they could pay with what you are charging. You could probably make that comparison even wider by comparing the price for creating all 45 tracks at $25 a time versus 30 bucks for the entire program.

            You've created scarcity with your 100 limit, although I think you could ramp up the urgency a little by offering the first (say) 25 slots at your price - after which the price will shoot up to a higher price. Fear of loss is always a strong motivator and if the prospect thinks there's a 100 up for grabs they might relax and procrastinate.

            Procrastination = lost sale.

            The order form is good, although you should restate your guarantee there.

            The only thing that really grates is the reference to "Suspicious minds". I would leave that to Elvis.

            But a great first effort. Well done!

            Warmest regards,

            Paul.
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            • Profile picture of the author Karan Goel
              Hello Mr. Paul

              Thank you.!

              Actaully, I want to have a membership site, rather than a one time product. I am thinking of including some kind of bonus for first x buyers. Does that work better than discounts for first x people?

              Karan

              Originally Posted by Paul Hooper-Kelly View Post

              Hey Karan,

              I think that's a great effort for first time out of the gate!

              You've stated the advantages of music and then moved on to highlight the problem.

              And then you've introduced the product.

              Then you've minimized the price by comparing what they could pay with what you are charging. You could probably make that comparison even wider by comparing the price for creating all 45 tracks at $25 a time versus 30 bucks for the entire program.

              You've created scarcity with your 100 limit, although I think you could ramp up the urgency a little by offering the first (say) 25 slots at your price - after which the price will shoot up to a higher price. Fear of loss is always a strong motivator and if the prospect thinks there's a 100 up for grabs they might relax and procrastinate.

              Procrastination = lost sale.

              The order form is good, although you should restate your guarantee there.

              The only thing that really grates is the reference to "Suspicious minds". I would leave that to Elvis.

              But a great first effort. Well done!

              Warmest regards,

              Paul.
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              • Profile picture of the author Paul Hooper-Kelly
                Hi Karan,

                There are no hard and fast rules in marketing, so it all comes down to test and test again.

                I've had quite a lot of success copywriting for membership sites and I often use the lower price to entice initial interest. This works particularly well if you add an air of exclusivity.

                For example, call the discounted membership slots "Charter Memberships" or something similar.

                You see, we all buy with emotion. And one of the four main emotional cravings we all have is to be respected.

                Here's an extract from my World Class Copywriting Masterclass about The Four Rs that will explain further.

                So the idea we are getting a better deal than the other guy goes straight to the prospect's emotional sweet spot.

                Certainly you can add bonuses (which you should 'sell' just as hard as the paid product) as it all goes to ramp up the value.

                Warmest regards,

                Paul
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                • Profile picture of the author Karan Goel
                  Originally Posted by Paul Hooper-Kelly View Post

                  Hi Karan,

                  There are no hard and fast rules in marketing, so it all comes down to test and test again.

                  I've had quite a lot of success copywriting for membership sites and I often use the lower price to entice initial interest. This works particularly well if you add an air of exclusivity.

                  For example, call the discounted membership slots "Charter Memberships" or something similar.

                  You see, we all buy with emotion. And one of the four main emotional cravings we all have is to be respected.

                  Here's an extract from my World Class Copywriting Masterclass about The Four Rs that will explain further.

                  So the idea we are getting a better deal than the other guy goes straight to the prospect's emotional sweet spot.

                  Certainly you can add bonuses (which you should 'sell' just as hard as the paid product) as it all goes to ramp up the value.

                  Warmest regards,

                  Paul
                  Hello Sir,

                  What I wanted to know is the basic sort of layout - if it's properly present in my SL. I will tweak it after testing again and again.

                  I shall test bonus against monetary discount to see which one work well.

                  The video you provided was too much juicy. (You might want to consider adding some Royalty Free Music to it to make it even better - just kidding. )

                  I am working on the version 2 of it. I will complete it tomorrow.

                  Karan

                  Originally Posted by MarkAndrews IMCopywriting View Post

                  Allow me to at least get the link up properly for you, so others can find the site easier...

                  Musicnaire - 3 Months of Continuous Royalty-Free Music

                  It doesn't excite me this sales copy, however, a big well done for trying.

                  The guys above have pretty much covered all of the points which need addressing. I can only concur agreement with their points raised.

                  There does need to be more flow in my opinion, the page is quite messy in it's present form.

                  Certainly needs some work to bring it up to par.

                  The good thing is that you are making a start on this and giving yourself a good time cushion to complete this task.

                  Take aboard the above points, address those issues Karan and you ought to be well on your way closer to your launch date.

                  Best of luck!


                  Mark...
                  Hey Mark,

                  I am working on the above points, and some other that I missed.

                  Thanks you,

                  Karan
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Musicnaire - 3 Months of Continuous Royalty-Free Music

    That's not gonna cut it. It's not clear at all what you're offering - selling - and what the benefit is. Something about "You get 45+ Royalty-free music tracks" wasn't it? Hardly earth-shattering offer is it. TravelinGuy has covered it pretty well.

    If I want "Royalty-free music tracks" - and cutting edge music tracks, I go to http://www.ccmixter.org and I'm sure there are plenty of others. That just happens to be my favorite. It's a Creative Commons site -
    Find out why one out of six uploads to ccMixter are used in a YouTube(tm) video, flickr moving image, podcast, compilation album and thousands of other places all over the web.
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  • Profile picture of the author Karan Goel
    Hey all.

    I have edited the sales page to up to 80%.

    Here's new version:

    Musicnaire - 12 Week Royalty Free Music Program

    How's it. How much effective is it?

    Thanks
    Karan
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  • Profile picture of the author tylerdrun
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  • Profile picture of the author dyadvisor
    Karan: A definite A in the effort department. Paul has gone out of this way to give you some great direction. Do you have a fear of failing for a week? This is not a costly real-life neon sign, you just adjust it. You received many good points, now get the courage to do it.

    Just remember the lower the cost of the initial bait, the more members you receive. When you have enough members/customers, give special offers. It is easier to get $10.00 one thousand times, then to quickly make $10,000 in your market.

    Rick gave excellent comments. All will go to waste, until you start. If you fall, so what? You will be smarter.

    I do not think you need any more advice about writing, you got $500- $5,000 worth.

    None of us can predict and guarantee your sales. However, if the market is not there, your copy work became a great learning tool.

    Let me know when you get a big enough kick in the butt. Few are fortunate to start at the top.
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    • Profile picture of the author Karan Goel
      Originally Posted by dyadvisor View Post

      Karan: A definite A in the effort department. Paul has gone out of this way to give you some great direction. Do you have a fear of failing for a week? This is not a costly real-life neon sign, you just adjust it. You received many good points, now get the courage to do it.

      Just remember the lower the cost of the initial bait, the more members you receive. When you have enough members/customers, give special offers. It is easier to get $10.00 one thousand times, then to quickly make $10,000 in your market.

      Rick gave excellent comments. All will go to waste, until you start. If you fall, so what? You will be smarter.

      I do not think you need any more advice about writing, you got $500- $5,000 worth.

      None of us can predict and guarantee your sales. However, if the market is not there, your copy work became a great learning tool.

      Let me know when you get a big enough kick in the butt. Few are fortunate to start at the top.
      Hey

      I'm actually very confused as to what discount to give for initial memberships.

      I just want to get this project up ASAP.

      Karan
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Hi Karan,

        I reviewed. Unfortunately, it still needs a lot of work.

        My biggest criticism is you have to get to the point quicker. You have about 8 seconds to capture your reader's attention and imagination.

        Think clear... quick... compelling... and more personal.

        On a good note, you're getting closer.

        - Rick Duris
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        • Profile picture of the author Karan Goel
          Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

          Hi Karan,

          I reviewed. Unfortunately, it still needs a lot of work.

          My biggest criticism is you have to get to the point quicker. You have about 8 seconds to capture your reader's attention and imagination.

          Think clear... quick... compelling... and more personal.

          On a good note, you're getting closer.

          - Rick Duris
          Hey Rick.

          I shall refer back my library and my teachers to condense and improve on my headline. But, this will take some because I don't have my school open on weekends.

          Karan
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