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Updated Sales Page: Is Anything Missing?

by Infinite Shades of Grey
4 replies
Hey Warriors-

Just got accepted by CB and want to make sure the sales page is up to snuff.

Don't hold back - I'll take the punches (so the kids don't have to).

Total Bully Solution

Be Excellent!
#missing #page #sales #updated
  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Hi ISoG (You should let us know your real name...),

    I can see you've put a lot of effort into the product and sales page.

    Problem is... your sales page isn't really there yet.

    You've got a lot of the right stuff... but it's written very ineffectively. Since you're dealing with a very sensitive issue here, you have to make sure you're 100% on the money.

    I'd also say you need a hook. You've got a great product here (seemingly), so it shouldn't be hard to find something killer. You need to let us know more about you and your credibility - what exactly makes you qualified to teach this stuff.

    You've got some great testimonials, which is cool - but it's just not enough.

    In this scenario I would consider possibly doing a "case study" where you can go in-depth into one of the situations presented in your testimonials. Just a thought.

    Overall the page needs a fair bit of work. Kudos on your effort though.

    -Dan
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    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author jukeboxhero
    1. Really weak headline-"vanquish bullies"? Have you ever heard even one parent say they would like to "Vanquish a bully"? Immediately shows a disconnect from the reader and you lose them from the get go.

    2. Add some padding to your tables to make them easier to read

    3. What's with the bold intro... bolding is for highlighting a point NOT highlighting the entire sales letter.

    4. If my child is being bullied this is the last things I'm thinking about...
    "Have you ever wondered why one tree will reach for the sunlight, growing strong and true, while another simply fails to thrive? How two children with similar circumstances can take such radically different paths? Which path is your child on?

    5. What's with those weird box covers they look like PLR on crack?

    6. You need to get in touch with your audiences primary emotions then drive home 1 big promise... this page basically confused me blind.

    7. "Keep Reading For The Dramatic Conclusion To This Seemingly Ordinary Encounter" If the conclusion is really that dramatic shouldn't I just know?

    Good effort but way off base in terms of getting a clear message across to your market about what you can do.
    Signature
    If Copywriting Legends Like John Carlton, Gary Halbert and Even Franky Kern Recommend

    >>>> This <<<<

    Shouldn't You Pay Attention
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  • Profile picture of the author Infinite Shades of Grey
    Hey Dan-
    thanks for taking the time to evaluate it. unfortunate that it doesnt seem to come together. any one else want to jump in?
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  • Profile picture of the author Infinite Shades of Grey
    Thank you for your input jukebox- those are some specifics i can take action on. appreciate your input greatly. what else?
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