If you have a sec, could you help with my first squeeze page?

I think you've done a nice job. I would have actually signed up but my hard drive is already loaded with stuff I've never even looked at. Good luck!

Thank you all so much!

Some of you have been really helpful. Particularly Eric, Kate, and a few others.

Some of you were encouraging, and I really appreciate that.

Loren, I respect your abilities. So when you say, "you could make the same claim with half the words" I'd love to see an example. Your post is helpful because I know I'm not doing something right, but it doesn't help me in any other way.

As for video fbivens, I'm currently working solely from mobile broadband, and it's not an option for now. But, it way be in the future. Thanks!

Anyway, I woke up there now, took a quick look at the page after reading your suggestions, and saw a few things I didn't like myself.

So others may learn from this, I'll note them...

I changed, "As a global recession looms darkly over the world..."

To, "As a global recession approaches..."

I know I'm going to battle with changing the way I write when trying to sell. If you can get your point across in less words without losing anything, use less words. Get to the point, JK!!

I changed, "...this is actually a time of opportunity." and removed the word 'actually' as it's probably not necessary.

I changed, "More particularly, they told me..." to "Specifically, they told me..." as again, I think it's more simple.

I changed, "Only here, exclusively in this free report..." to "Exclusively in this free report..."

I removed this completely, "Well known people like Daniel Scocco, Gayla McCord, Amit Agarwal, Neil Morgan, and J.D. Roth." as I think it's unecessary. If they don't know names like Michel Fortin, Darren Rowse, and Jeremy Schoemaker, then most likely the other names won't be known either.

I changed, "Can you afford to not know what they are?" to, "Get it now for FREE while you can!"

As for the headline, Gary Bencivenga suggests to put your 'big promise' inside an 'IF'.

So I went with,

"If You've Got an Email Address, You're About To Learn 'Secrets' That Most People Will Never Know About How To Really Succeed Online..."

For now, I'm going to change it to,

"If You've Got An Email Address, You're About To Learn 'Secrets' That Most People Will Never Know About Making Money Online..."

I have been toying with,

"Free Report Reveals Little Known
Secrets Online Entrepreneurs Use
To Make a Living On The Internet!"

Any more help appreciated!

JK

The Great Depression line is actually a great opener so I would definitely gut the first three paragraphs.

I think all the bullets are ok but they need to be reworded, bit on the wordy side.

In face, that is your only real flaw with your writing. You are a good writer and it's hard to not write in the way that you know how. I know, I had the same problem but you gotta get to it more succinctly in copy.

way better. If you want to punch it up, since you are
quoting yourself, put your mug up there, looking straight
out. Faces are a "stopper".

Want to see how a real expert does it?

Look here: CA$HVERTISING

How about using a pain/problem in the headline instead of the same old , same old " discover the secret" blah blah blah...? I think its okay, but I think you can do better!

It sounds almost too "hyped" to me, but a general hype in the headline..

And pain will normally offer a better response than a pleasure. try it out..

If you want to keep the headline, maybe you can be a little more specific in it? Its rather general.

Since you're report is about how to make money in the current economy then you can use that in the title and/or as a theme threw your entire sales process. The current economy must be a pain to your market, right?
try the pain (problem/solution ) pleasure in the headline and body.

Maybe you can write more compelling reasons to opt in now with your bullet points and make them more visible? Sometimes its good for a capture page to speak to one specific problem and offer that one specific solution, which I don't feel you stress enough..

Also, you say that during the great depression the most millionaires were made in history. I looked online and couldn't see how many millionaires were made then- and it may contradicts with my figures. Do you know how many millionaires were made then?

I may be wrong, but from the info I have in 1991 there were 3.6m millionaires in the US. In 2001 there were 7.2m millionaires. That would be 3.6 million millionaires in 10 years equaling an average of 360,000 new millionaires created each year.

I found it from Paul Pilzers book The Next Millionaires. I highly recommend the book, although some might not agree with the 10 million new millionaire prediction- if you follow his outline, you shouldn't go wrong..

And im only nit-picking, because you requested it

Sorry for delay in reply, but I don't agree with playing safe. Test have repeatedly shown that the extra trust produced as a result of a face shot looking straight at the reader should outweigh any perceived neggies that you may have.

All pro copywriters will tell you that you are better to get potential objections out in the open and handled in your sales letter. If you don't you can be sure that a very high proportion of your readers will be thinking that objection and you will never have a chance to handle it before they cruise on somewhere else.

So although the natural tendency may be to sweep this type of thing under the carpet and hope that it doesn't come up, the far better option is to actually sit down at the planning stage and come up with the definitive list of potential objections and then sit down and work out how to handle them.

Then work out how to work these objections and their answers (tagged to a major benefit each time if you really want to score big) into your copy. Then sit back and relax a little as you can now feel confident that you have the content to handle any question a prospect may come up with.

Here's another thought for you; almost any perceived neggie can be turned in to a positive. e.g. Look too young. Your copy (suggestion): "Although some clients have mentioned how young I look when they met me for the first time, they soon were commenting on the many benefits that they received from my fresh original approach to tackling [enter an example of a major problem here that your prospects will often come across). This meant they [add graphic description of benefit they get from working with you]"

Sorry for long reply, hope it helps!

It depends on who he is targeting...

That sounds so unoriginal.. need to add spice to it. plus, I prefer using pain/problems , but thats just me.

The op should probably redo the headline a few times wiht different angles and just test. Then he can tell us how it went and what worked best for him..

Thanks for noticing

Out of all the posts you read, how many sig links do you click on?

Ya gotta try everything in this game

JK

Yep that made me change mine - I admit it!

Hey dude! Been busy lately, and haven't been on the forum.

Thanks for the compliments on the video. I used Sony Vegas. I've used nearly all the major video editing softwares and I really think Vegas is the best all-rounder. Easy. Powerful. Not sluggish.

I'll try and get a few testimonials. It's a good idea.

I used (believe it or not) WordPress to do this squeeze page.

I learned all my CSS/HTML skills from the WordPress platform, and I default to using it for pretty much everything.

Not sure how you could really do it with no knowledge. That would be pretty hard.

JK