My first sales page.. looking for some advice

14 years ago

Originally Posted by ash1ey

Well I always knew it was going to be tough but i didn't expect it to be this tough!

Had a bash at writing my own copy for a product I decided to make and after a little run on adwords, I discovered.... it sucks!

Can anyone tell me why it's so bad? foolproofmoneymachineXcom

I guess I might just have to pay someone to re-write or do a full critique if it don't start converting soon.

Hey, the lay-out looks ok to me! However I have a few suggestions for you:
1. The space between your image header and "Too Busy... ...Online" is a bit too big. Visitors decide in 3 seconds whether they stay or not. So make sure the formatting above the fold is perfect.
2. Your proof of payment is a bit vague. It's also not clickable for a full size image. People want to see real proof. Not proof that is edited and cropped.
3. I think you need some demo websites to show to your visitors, this will surely increase your sales.

[ 1 ] Thanks

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Cheers,
Elion Makkink

Become an SEO Hustler too at seohustlers.com

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ash1ey

14 years ago

Thank you, really appreciate it

Thanks

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ash1ey

14 years ago

Killed the big space, added some more proof in form of adsense screenshot and added a couple of example websites

Thanks

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bukriv

14 years ago

Here are some minor typos I noticed...

Corrections are in parenthesis.

I know how your(you're) feeling right now...

Your(you're) one of thousands of people

...searching for other ways to make money then(than) doing my actual work.

I went from being depressed with my job and having no money. To being happier then(than) I have ever been with more money then(than) I knew what do with. (The momentum is broken. Should be one sentence.)

Learn How To Build Website's(websites) Like a(A) Pro In Just A Few Click's(Clicks) Of The Mouse. --- consistency with the capitalization

And I'm not just talking about a one page website, were(we're) talking multi-page professional looking websites in just a few clicks of the mouse.

[ 2 ] Thanks

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ash1ey

14 years ago

bukriv, thank you!

Thanks

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travlinguy

14 years ago

You have no headline, nothing to draw your visitors in. Your copy is unexciting. Whatever it is you're selling here isn't clear. Your descriptions are vague. You have six bullet points up there and only one (the one about flooding a site with free visitors) is actually good enough for a bullet. The rest are awful.

Consider hiring a copywriter. One other thing, create a Warrior Forum sig file and put your link in it. You can do that as a newbie here. Good luck.

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1 reply

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ARSuarez 14 years ago

Ashley,

The proposition headline is very strong when done right.

That being said, this headline does not succeed in that goal.

Try using more specificity: "Give Me 2 Hours A Day, And I'll Show You My Secret To Making $323 A Day" or something. I wouldn't go TOO high. Sometimes, you have to water it down a bit to maintain believability.

The farther you go from what they feel comfortable mentally, the more difficult the sale will be.

The deck copy "go on to quit your day job" is awful. It's like saying, "Hey, you might, just might, be able to quit your job. Not sure, though. But maybe."

Uh uh.

"This secret will let you stroll into your boss' office 5 months (or sooner) from today, and casually say 'I quit' with no fear or worry about financial Armageddon knocking on your door"

Not great, but you can see the impact is much different.

As for your lead-in - "Too Busy Making A Living" - trash it. Jim Rohn and others played it out. It would work better as a lead - the first sentence of your body copy, after the salutation.

For the lead-in, get more credibility, "After X Years of Searching And $X In Debts... With X Months Of A Bank Account In The Negative... Ashley Russell Can Finally Say..." And then your headline.

The back-breaking effort of the journey to get to the point you're in builds credibility. Specifics sell.

So, here is what your lead-in, headline, deck, and we'll say your lead of body copy could look like (and you judge the impact):

After 3 Years of Searching And $5,451 In Debts... With 4 Months Of A Bank Account In The Negative... Ashley Russell Can Finally Say...

"Give Me 2 Hours A Day, And I'll Show You My Secret To Making $323 A Day

This secret will let you stroll into your boss' office 5 months (or sooner) from today, and casually say 'I quit' with no fear or worry about financial Armageddon knocking on your door

Dear Friend,

If you're too busy making a living to actually make any money...

If you're sick and tired of living paycheck-to-paycheck, delaying your bills for the next month because you can't pay them now...

If you avoid driving your car too often to save on gas money...

If you feel like your struggling every day to push against a financial brick wall...

And if you're tired of reading about all these people getting richer than Midas on the internet - but can't figure out how...

I'm about to give you the keys to the kingdom, so you'll forever leave that life behind."

You get the idea. Hit some emotions - make them think about what their life is like right now. Those concerns are REAL concerns. I went through them. I know what it's like to have no money and how much it limits your life.

Tap those buttons- but don't over do it. You're not trying to make the reader wallow in self pity. But you want to get him riled up.

In another thread, maximum said, "You want to raise your reader's blood pressure by 50%."

Great advice.

Best,

Angel
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- ash1ey 14 years ago
  
  ARSuarez by far the best feedback I've gotten so far from the few forums I've posted on. Thank you very much for taking time to reply.
  
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ash1ey

14 years ago

travlinguy thanks for your comments, i will take them on board.

I would like to hire a copywriter eventually but I don't have the funds available for the kind of copywriter I want to hire

It's something on my to do list tho, just have to wait a while.

Thanks

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

Cookie-cutter site that looks and reads like a million others and just screams "BS". Don't give up your day job cause this turkey's never gonna fly. Word.

Thanks
1 reply

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ash1ey

14 years ago

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

Cookie-cutter site that looks and reads like a million others and just screams "BS". Don't give up your day job cause this turkey's never gonna fly. Word.

Day job? What day job?

Thanks
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bukriv

14 years ago

Originally Posted by ash1ey

Day job? What day job?

I think what he basically meant was your sales page will not sell anything.

Frankly, I believe you just need to improve it then test it out.

Thanks
2 replies

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ash1ey 14 years ago

Originally Posted by bukriv

I think what he basically meant was your sales page will not sell anything.

Frankly, I believe you just need to improve it then test it out.

Ah ok cool. Well that's just his personal opinion i guess.
- Thanks
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scrofford

14 years ago

Originally Posted by bukriv

I think what he basically meant was your sales page will not sell anything.

Frankly, I believe you just need to improve it then test it out.

Well duh! Isn't that what you are supposed to do with everything in your sales letter? TEST, TEST, TEST.

So how would YOU improve it? What would you do to make it so that it brings in hundreds of thousands of dollars?

Personally, I think the letter looks like all the other crap letters that are out there about MMO. The headline sucks...Give me 2 hours a day, and I'll give you my secret to making $224 a day online. Um that just doesn't grab me. It bores me. I would click off right there.

I'm not an expert, but I know that I don't want to write copy like that!

Thanks
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ARSuarez

14 years ago

Originally Posted by scrofford

Personally, I think the letter looks like all the other crap letters that are out there about MMO. The headline sucks...Give me 2 hours a day, and I'll give you my secret to making $224 a day online. Um that just doesn't grab me. It bores me. I would click off right there.

The proposition style of the headline is good. It could definitely use improvement.

"Give Me 2 Hours A Day, And I'll Show You How To Make $1,500 A Week Online... Even If You Only Have $75 To Your Name"

That is much stronger.

Or,

"Give Me 4 Months... And I'll Make You $25,000 Richer!"

You just have to get creative.

Regards,

Angel

Thanks
2 replies

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ash1ey

14 years ago

Scrofford of course it isn't going to grab your attention if your already in to internet marketing. Anyone whos been around long enough will have seen all the other hyped up **** out there promising $100K a month so $200 a day isn't going to interest you really is it?

One thing I maybe should have made clear in the beginning was that I'm not just going to try marketing this online. I am actually going to focus more offline, aimed at people who have no clue about MMO.

If the copy didn't suck do you think I would be on a forum asking for advise?

ARSuarez, thanks again for all your help i really do appreciate it.

Thanks
1 reply

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scrofford

14 years ago

Originally Posted by ash1ey

Scrofford of course it isn't going to grab your attention if your already in to internet marketing. Anyone whos been around long enough will have seen all the other hyped up **** out there promising $100K a month so $200 a day isn't going to interest you really is it?

One thing I maybe should have made clear in the beginning was that I'm not just going to try marketing this online. I am actually going to focus more offline, aimed at people who have no clue about MMO.

If the copy didn't suck do you think I would be on a forum asking for advise?

ARSuarez, thanks again for all your help i really do appreciate it.

It should ALWAYS grab your attention! Just because you think you've seen it all because YOU are in the MMO niche, doesn't mean you can't come up with something creative and that will just flabergast and draw in your reader. Be creative!

And if you are going to send letters offline to people, all the more should the headline and letter be something that pulls the reader in and makes them not be able to put it down.

Just to let you know, your headline should be your biggest benefit of your product. Your letter really needs to grab them and cause them to see that you have the solution to their problem.

Thanks
1 reply

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ARSuarez

14 years ago

Originally Posted by scrofford

Just to let you know, your headline should be your biggest benefit of your product. Your letter really needs to grab them and cause them to see that you have the solution to their problem.

This is a fallacy from someone who is not - as you have said you're not in previous posts - an expert.

Here's why:

1) Using a big benefit immediately communicates that you are selling and will alienate a large percentage of readers in many markets

2) A Big Benefit can easily screw up, because you must know the EXACT benefit which resonates deepest. And if there is just one misunderstanding in the research, you'll lose 99% of the readership

3) Big benefits are played out in some markets, depending on their sophistication. They've seen every big benefit in the world and now scoff at them or are becoming increasingly skeptical. In this case, you need a large amount of credibility to offset the skepticism - skepticism made stronger by Big Benefit headlines.

Big benefits can still work in many cases cases, in many markets. Or, if you're John Carlton (who uses story headlines more than big benefit) and know how to hit the Benefit Button with a hammer, go for it. But a headline is only supposed to get the reader to read the deck. The deck to read the opener/lead. On and on.

Intrigue/Curiosity are more powerful than "big benefits," as has been said since John Caples wrote Tested Advertising Methods.

Gary Halbert's famous Tova Borgnine ad: "Famous Actor's Wife Swears, Under Oath, There is No Illegal Sexual Stimulant In Her New Perfume."

News + intrigue/curiosity + implied benefit.

I really hate this whole "shock them out of their zombie like state" thing. It's like you're supposed to put an electric current in your headline. And as a result, people go over the top and completely screw up.

Headline is for one thing. Just one: get attention.

That's it. Not to sell the product. Not to "shock them" or "awe" them. Get their attention and interest them to read the next word. Word to word. Word to word. Word to word. Word to sale.

In addition, a proposition headline is still highly effective, because it has built in credibility. The idea that "OK, so this isn't a free ride - I have to put some time/effort into this."

Not meaning to be antagonistic. But I keep seeing people put up headlines with huge, unbelievable benefits - and then they wonder why it's not converting.

Regards,

Angel

[ 2 ] Thanks
1 reply

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scrofford

14 years ago

Originally Posted by ARSuarez

This is a fallacy from someone who is not - as you have said you're not in previous posts - an expert.

Here's why:

1) Using a big benefit immediately communicates that you are selling and will alienate a large percentage of readers in many markets

2) A Big Benefit can easily screw up, because you must know the EXACT benefit which resonates deepest. And if there is just one misunderstanding in the research, you'll lose 99% of the readership

3) Big benefits are played out in some markets, depending on their sophistication. They've seen every big benefit in the world and now scoff at them or are becoming increasingly skeptical. In this case, you need a large amount of credibility to offset the skepticism - skepticism made stronger by Big Benefit headlines.

Big benefits can still work in many cases cases, in many markets. Or, if you're John Carlton (who uses story headlines more than big benefit) and know how to hit the Benefit Button with a hammer, go for it. But a headline is only supposed to get the reader to read the deck. The deck to read the opener/lead. On and on.

Intrigue/Curiosity are more powerful than "big benefits," as has been said since John Caples wrote Tested Advertising Methods.

Gary Halbert's famous Tova Borgnine ad: "Famous Actor's Wife Swears, Under Oath, There is No Illegal Sexual Stimulant In Her New Perfume."

News + intrigue/curiosity + implied benefit.

I really hate this whole "shock them out of their zombie like state" thing. It's like you're supposed to put an electric current in your headline. And as a result, people go over the top and completely screw up.

Headline is for one thing. Just one: get attention.

That's it. Not to sell the product. Not to "shock them" or "awe" them. Get their attention and interest them to read the next word. Word to word. Word to word. Word to word. Word to sale.

In addition, a proposition headline is still highly effective, because it has built in credibility. The idea that "OK, so this isn't a free ride - I have to put some time/effort into this."

Not meaning to be antagonistic. But I keep seeing people put up headlines with huge, unbelievable benefits - and then they wonder why it's not converting.

Regards,

Angel

(I changed and updated this post so it doesn't seem like I'm calling Angel out...just disagreeing.)

First off, I don't agree...this is how I see it and how I've learned...

1. Your biggest benefit SHOULD be used in your headline. Your thinking that you don't want anyone to know you are selling something is completely wrong.

If you are driving the right traffic to your offer, then the people who come to your site will KNOW you are selling a product and read further because they are INTERESTED in the product.

2. Including the biggest benefit in your headline DOESN'T screw up anything. Yes you need to know your product well enough to KNOW the biggest benefit to those you are targeting.

You also need to test to see what is working and what isn't. So you need to try different headlines to see which one is pulling in the most people.

3. Yes you should use a lot of credibility, but we are talking about the headline and how it should have a big benefit amongst other things. Credibility comes later.

The headline should also educate, intrigue, and create an interest. I don't think that would create skepticism. On the contrary, it would make people want to read more!

The headline isn't just to get the attention of the reader...It's to get them to read the first sentence of the sales letter. That's it. If you stop and think about that, you will see what I am saying is correct.

This headline that the OP has is boring. It doesn't create any interest and it is very cliche.

Thanks
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Pusateri

14 years ago

Originally Posted by scrofford

1. Your biggest benefit SHOULD be used in your headline. Your thinking that you don't want anyone to know you are selling something is completely wrong.

If you are driving the right traffic to your offer, then the people who come to your site will KNOW you are selling a product and read further because they are INTERESTED in the product.

I haven't used a benefit driven headline since my days in the weight loss niche pre-y2k. That's when I learned better.

Most benefit headlines appeal to reason, not emotion. Reason is a low octane fuel when it comes to driving the reader to take action (i.e. read further.)

Intrigue/Curiosity gains easier entry into the prospect's head.

Not saying my way is the only way, but in the words of 50 Cent, "I get money."

Originally Posted by Ross James

I guess at the end of the day. You're right... Opinions are like assholes we all have them...

My JV football coach used to say that, but added, "and nobody wants to hear about nobody else's."

It was the pre-internet days and we were all naive.

Mark

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1 reply

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scrofford

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Pusateri

I haven't used a benefit driven headline since my days in the weight loss niche pre-y2k. That's when I learned better.

Most benefit headlines appeal to reason, not emotion. Reason is a low octane fuel when it comes to driving the reader to take action (i.e. read further.)

Intrigue/Curiosity gains easier entry into the prospect's head.

Not saying my way is the only way, but in the words of 50 Cent, "I get money."
Mark

But wouldn't you want benefit, intrigue, education, and interest rolled up all in one ball of wax in the headline? I mean if you could get all of that in the headline, wouldn't that make an excellent headline?

Thanks
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Pusateri

14 years ago

Originally Posted by scrofford

But wouldn't you want benefit, intrigue, education, and interest rolled up all in one ball of wax in the headline? I mean if you could get all of that in the headline, wouldn't that make an excellent headline?

If you can get all that done without using conjunctions or commas you might have something.

Attention is the key and your headline is the ignition. It's only job is to start the engine of the selling vehicle. It doesn't have to put it in gear and drive ten miles down the road.

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scrofford

14 years ago

Originally Posted by ARSuarez

The proposition style of the headline is good. It could definitely use improvement.

"Give Me 2 Hours A Day, And I'll Show You How To Make $1,500 A Week Online... Even If You Only Have $75 To Your Name"

That is much stronger.

Or,

"Give Me 4 Months... And I'll Make You $25,000 Richer!"

You just have to get creative.

Regards,

Angel

I disagree...It sounds just like everything else out there. You want your headline to be unique and grab the readers attention...to almost shock them out of their zombie like state because of all the other crap they have read on the internet about the subject.

I see it all the time..."Give me just _ hours a day or _ months and you will be a millionaire or so much more richer." This kind of thing has gotten cliche and is boring.

Thanks

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ash1ey

14 years ago

Changed the headline a bit now, what do you think?

Thanks
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ARSuarez 14 years ago

Hi Ashley,

It might be better to change the headline to "$500 a Week... Completely Online." Or maybe increase the sum a bit. I'm not sure if this amount of money will tickle the greed glands well enough.

The deck is VERY clunky. I had to read it 2-3 times before I realized some of the things had been moved around. It sounds too robotic.

"This secret will let you walk into your boss' office... just 3 months (or sooner) from today... And confidently say "I QUIT!" Without Fear of Financial Armageddon knocking on your door."

Read the one above aloud, and then read the one you have up online.

The best judge of copy is the sound of it when spoken.

Best,

Angel
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maximus242

14 years ago

No let me ask you a question.

If you knew without a doubt, with 100% absolute certainty that you could spend $40 and 2 weeks from now you would be making $200 a day on autopilot. Would you spend that $40? If you were 100% absolutely certain and guaranteed that you would make $200 a day on autpilot?

OF COURSE!

Youd have to be a f*cking mental patient to not do so. The problem is lack of belief not lack of promise. Doesnt matter if its $10,000 or $100, nobody buys without belief.

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Ross James

14 years ago

Hey everyone,

I am just curious, is there anyone who has become successful...I guess guru status successful...although I hate that name "guru" who both writes there own killer copy for their own info products?

The reason I ask is that I am working on ramping up my business and learning copywriting, and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed lol...lots to learn and do!

Do I just need to decide to be one or the other? A Copywriter or product creator? I would really like opinions on this please. Thanks in advance!

Scrofford you wrote this not a month ago.. You've got some big big balls calling out Angel on here like you have.. I have been watching your posts... I too was as profoundly excited about copywriting as you are when I first started and came on here full of the same piss and vinegar you're showing off...But please.. spare us.. Angel has years more of empirical real-world copywriting experience than you do.. I think he knows what he is doing here.

Thanks
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scrofford

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Ross James

Scrofford you wrote this not a month ago.. You've got some big big balls calling out Angel on here like you have.. I have been watching your posts... I too was as profoundly excited about copywriting as you are when I first started and came on here full of the same piss and vinegar you're showing off...But please.. spare us.. Angel has years more of empirical real-world copywriting experience than you do.. I think he knows what he is doing here.

I don't think I have big balls calling Angel out. I don't agree with him. I just think that what he said wasn't correct. I don't think it matters who has years vs not as far as if someone is right or wrong. There are a lot of people who have been doing this forever who suck at it. I'm not saying Angel sucks at it at all. I just don't agree. Should I cower in the corner and keep my mouth shut since I am new if I don't agree and it goes against everything I have been taught?

If I am wrong then I am wrong, but I don't think I am in this situation. Everyone can learn from everyone else. It doesn't matter how long you have been or have not been doing something. You can still learn.

I wasn't "calling him out" as you put it. I just disagree. So what? At the end of the day does it really matter?

Thanks

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Ross James

14 years ago

I guess at the end of the day. You're right... Opinions are like assholes we all have them...

But the difference between you and someone that has made money from his opinions is that one you can trust more than the other to work. Will yours not work? Who knows, maybe you're just a salesletter away from the next cash sucking whale on clickbank..

My point is, since you're new... sit back, relax and before you call someone that is a professional copywriter...like Angel... not an expert... Think, do I even know what an expert is...? Can I put myself in the position of one to know that I can tell them from the loser or wannabes? Chances are since you're not in the position of one... You can't.

Good Luck

Thanks
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scrofford

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Ross James

I guess at the end of the day. You're right... Opinions are like assholes we all have them...

But the difference between you and someone that has made money from his opinions is that one you can trust more than the other to work. Will yours not work? Who knows, maybe you're just a salesletter away from the next cash sucking whale on clickbank..

My point is, since you're new... sit back, relax and before you call someone that is a professional copywriter...like Angel... not an expert... Think, do I even know what an expert is...? Can I put myself in the position of one to know that I can tell them from the loser or wannabes? Chances are since you're not in the position of one... You can't.

Good Luck

Ok, accepted...good advice.

Thanks

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ShaLiam

14 years ago

Originally Posted by ash1ey

Well I always knew it was going to be tough but i didn't expect it to be this tough!

Had a bash at writing my own copy for a product I decided to make and after a little run on adwords, I discovered.... it sucks!

Can anyone tell me why it's so bad? foolproofmoneymachineXcom

I guess I might just have to pay someone to re-write or do a full critique if it don't start converting soon.

Copywriting 101:
Tell them what you are going to tell them. (Open or hook)
Tell them. (Body)
Tell them what you just told them. (Close)

Copywriting 102:
Don’t sell benefits, sell features, entice and close with benefits, example:

Experts Say: “The X7 Washing Machine Is the Best At Cleaning Clothes While Paying For Itself With Less Water & Electricity”, And Our Customers Agree!

This new x7 washing machine has a special agitator like no other machine (feature)
The special agitator allows the x7 machine to get your clothes cleaner while using less water and has shorter wash cycles so you use less electricity, saving you time (benefit) and saving you money (benefit). Our clients who bought the new x7 and have owned it over a year tell us the machine paid for itself because; their electric and water bills decreased while their clothes last longer. They were able to use the extra time they had to have fun with the money they saved (testimonials give power to your close, not your features).

The x7 Special Agitator can provide you with cleaner clothes, less time, water and electricity needed, just like our other happy customers, so all you will have to worry about is what will you do with all your extra time and money, click here for immediate delivery

Copywriting 103:
Write your copy putting different emphasis on or leaving out the different underlined words, same with the bold words. In some copy add more about the features in other copy add more about the benefits. When you have an ad that works, get rid of the others and promote, promote, promote. And always A.B.C. = Always Be Closing, not everyone wants to read all your copy or tons of testimonials, more often than not if you are solving a problem or filling a need they want to buy so don’t talk (or word) yourself out of a sale, by placing the buy button only at the bottom, add buy oppertunity two more times.
© ShaLiam all rights reserved.

Thanks
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Ross James

14 years ago

Originally Posted by ShaLiam

Copywriting 101:
Tell them what you are going to tell them. (Open or hook)
Tell them. (Body)
Tell them what you just told them. (Close)

Copywriting 102:
Don’t sell benefits, sell features, entice and close with benefits, example:

Experts Say: “The X7 Washing Machine Is the Best At Cleaning Clothes While Paying For Itself With Less Water & Electricity”, And Our Customers Agree!

This new x7 washing machine has a special agitator like no other machine (feature)
The special agitator allows the x7 machine to get your clothes cleaner while using less water and has shorter wash cycles so you use less electricity, saving you time (benefit) and saving you money (benefit). Our clients who bought the new x7 and have owned it over a year tell us the machine paid for itself because; their and electric and water bills decreased and their clothes last longer. They were able to use the extra time they had to have fun with the money they saved (testimonials give power to your close, not your features).

The x7 Special Agitator can provide you with cleaner clothes, less time, water and electricity needed, just like our other happy customers, so all you will have to worry about is what will you do with all your extra time and money, click here for immediate delivery

Copywriting 103:
Write your copy putting different emphasis on or leaving out the different underlined words, same with the bold words. In some copy add more about the features in other copy add more about the benefits. When you have an ad that works, get rid of the others and promote, promote, promote. And always A.B.C. = Always Be Closing, not everyone wants to read all you copy or tons of testimonials, more often than not if you are solving a problem or filling a need they want to buy so don’t talk (or word) yourself out of a sale, by placing the buy button in the copy two more times.

Another blind squirrel trying to chase an acorn...

What does this offer the OP? Nothing that she or he hasn't already read on the internet.. This place is about giving useful information, USEFUL. That is, Hey this works and this doesn't change it because I'm an actual copywriter and can back it up with conversions i've made in the past.

Thanks
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ShaLiam

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Ross James

Another blind squirrel trying to chase an acorn...

What does this offer the OP? Nothing that she or he hasn't already read on the internet.. This place is about giving useful information, USEFUL. That is, Hey this works and this doesn't change it because I'm an actual copywriter and can back it up with conversions i've made in the past.

Wow, another add nothing, smart ass comment from a self described asshole - Ross James. I have been a successful marketeer for 20 years Ross, the guy asked for help and I offered the basics, stuff he seems not to know or he would not be asking. You learned these things maybe a of a couple of weeks ago and think you are entitled to your opinion. Even though you read the latest flash in the pan guru article, you have never contributed a positive comment about anything here, you just lurk waiting to flame insults to other commentors. So take your psycho-sycophantic comments and shove'm up your "opinion-hole", the rest of us would like to accomplish something.

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Ross James

14 years ago

Originally Posted by ShaLiam

I have been a successful marketeer for 20 years Ross, the guy asked for help and I offered the basics, stuff he seems not to know or he would not be asking.

So you've been a successful marketer for 20 years... Wow... That tells me a lot...

By successful do you mean...a successful copy pasta? Sure looks like you copied that from an article somewhere... since below you go on talk talk about reading goo roo articles...

You learned these things maybe a of a couple of weeks ago and think you are entitled to your opinion. Even though you read the latest flash in the pan guru article, you have never contributed a positive comment about anything here, you just lurk waiting to flame insults to other commentors.

..Where do you get your articles from? That you copy and paste on the warrior forum.. Are they your own? Cool.. but offer something of relevance next time that's all.

So take your psycho-sycophantic comments and shove'm up your "opinion-hole", the rest of us would like to accomplish something.

What's with all of the ass fetish people on here.. I can't believe how much of this talk goes on here.

Such excitement!

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ShaLiam 14 years ago

Well Ross let's play put up or shut up. You find an article that I copied I have to leave the forum forever, and if (WHEN) you can't, you leave the forum forever. Use copyscapre, google, bing, yahoo,etc. The copy 101 section is as old as Aristotle. A.B.C. is a line from Glenn Gary Glenn Ross and has been part of the sales bible for years. You have 24-hours, so you'll have to put your lurk & flame activity to the side. While you're at it why don't you add a link to a single bit of "USEFUL" information you have ever posted in this forum. Here is a good headline.

Marketer Throw-down, Loser Is Banned & Labled A Duche
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Ross James

14 years ago

Originally Posted by scrofford

Ok, accepted...good advice.

Trust me it's good advice...Why? Because I too made the biggest asshole out of myself on here when I first started posting here... Took a course, thought I knew it all... Damn was it a good course in hindsight.. But still left a lot to learn.. And I only realize that now when I compare what I know to the experience some of the copywriters on this board have...HUGE difference.

Ross

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David Rosa

14 years ago

If you know nothing about copywriting, I congratulate you for this. although there are many things which need some repair, a lot of people would not even get this far.

I've personally adapted John Carlton's Way of writing. The headline is one of the last places I get to first. The first is the great market research, followed closely by the unbelievable USP.

After you understand the hurt and frustrations of your market, you can create your message. In doing so there is no guesswork. It seems like you have an understanding, but may need some fine tuning.

Stay away from vague words. I don't like to use step-by-step, or easy(as compared to what). Certain words like those are used all the time, break out the thesaurus and wow the reader with exciting words.

Paint a fun exciting picture within the readers mind. Make sure the bullets are benefits and if there is a feature, make sure the benefit is mentioned right next to it.

Your close is kind of weak. It is only about 1.4 sentences. Don't be afraid to TeLL your readers what to do. there are often many times where sales letters fail horribly, because the reader simply had no clue what to do at the end. (oh yes it was a nice letter, now what...*crumple*)

You did a pretty good job with the bonuses, but I think the descriptions should be better for them, to give them a reason to buy the product SOLELY for the bonuses.(it's happened, I've done it)

Regardless, test it, create your own checklist and make it happen.

You are on the right track, just keep working at it.

Take Care,
David R.

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Ross James

14 years ago

Yeah pretty much. Except my version would of been...And they all stink.

-Ross

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maximus242

14 years ago

I thought the same thing about AR's headlines too but heres the thing. In some markets those headlines could do quite well if the author had strong credibility. For example, if John Reese had a program that said:

Give Me 4 Months... And Ill Make You $25,000 Richer!

Then came out with some kind of expensive $5,000 coaching program which guaranteed to make you at least $25,000 in the next 4 months a lot of people would say..

DEAL!

But if you had a little ebook with no proof that said that, people would tell you to kiss their asses.

If Warren Buffet came out with a book that said Give Me 4 Months And A Thousand Dollars... And I Guarantee You Will Be $25,000 Richer. People would be fighting over that book.

Its about belief, you can say huge claims as long as they will be believed. Its all about human psychology.

Its not just what you say its the context of where and how it is said. Some copy will pull amazingly well for a guru and fail miserably for an unknown chump. Look at John Reese, he doesnt even bother with testimonials and sells like hell. He has other, more powerful forms of proof, such as celebrity, social proof, and a personal brand with a high degree of trust.

So really whether or not these headlines would work is all relative and dependent on numerous factors, not just the ones ive named. It is the customer, not the copywriter, who decides what is a good headline.

Also I should point out that AR's headline is ripped from a headline by Clayton Makepeace which mailed in the millions. I dont nessecarily think he did a perfect job of ripping it but as long as you could back up your claims and had enough credibility up front you could do very well.

Furthermore if you look at current control packages online you will see they make much larger claims than the ones AR just made.

Opinions are irrelevant, the marketplace decides what is good advertising.

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Ross James

14 years ago

Dude you won... I can't beat that headline...Where do I hand over my account? ... You've defeated me with both your 20 years as a marketer and copywriting 103 article.

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