[Closed--Thanks!] Grade Me! Grade Me!

by Jason Kanigan

Posted: 13 years ago 13 replies

COPY WRITING

Hi guys and gals,

Here's the draft (link deleted--the copy is 'in the shop') for a WSO I'm releasing shortly.

It's for helping people improve their offline sales results (ie. selling over the phone or in person...not the Internet). There has been interest in this topic, the DISC profile, in the Offline forum. My info product has been sent around to a few key people and gotten good feedback.

Comments on the copy appreciated! (Ready with that fork for Mal...)

#grade

Andrew Gould 13 years ago

Hi Jason,

I've only time for a few quick thoughts:

You need to make the benefits clearer, scanning it I don't have a clue what's in it for me. Even in the body copy and bullets you're too vague with the benefits.

And this goes doubly for your headline, what's "DISC", why should I care, who's this for?

What is it you're actually selling? PDFs, videos, MP3s, etc?

It seems a bit odd to only introduce yourself at the close.
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travlinguy 13 years ago

D+ And that's generous.

WSOs are a special kind of pitch. They don't need to be nearly as developed as letters outside of this community because you already have warm and even hot buyers here.

You have WAY too much above this line: Have You Been Frustrated and Confused by the Actions of Other People When Selling?

I understand you're going for the problem/solution play but most people buying WSOs won't spend the time. Tell 'em the problem briefly and then get to the solution. You can eliminate about 90% of the copy above your second paragraph header and you should.

The problem: Most people in sales screw up because they don't take the time to build rapport before pitching the prospect. The solution, my product. Take no more than 100 words to illustrate the problem with not getting rapport. Then go into benefit-oriented detail on how your course or whatever it is quickly and easily shows them how to get rapport.

I'd definitely get rid of this line: These Secrets Aren't for Offline Newbies...

You're going to alienate a huge part of your audience with it. There are better ways to let them know what your secrets are all about.

As Andrew mentioned, your personal bio stuff needs to come right after you present the problem up top. And it needs to be brief. Let them know who you are and why you're qualified. Two, maybe three lines at most.

I read through this and have only a vague idea what I'd be buying. You have no headline to speak of. If I were you I'd scrap it entirely and start over using the AIDA approach. Good luck.
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RickDuris 13 years ago

I appreciate clarity and honesty of your copy.

Unfortunately, it's not the type of copy that will get a lot of sales as a WSO.

First, it's abstract. It doesn't really hit home.

I think it would work as a direct mail piece to a list of sales managers with some minor modifications. But not to fellow warriors.

To appeal to fellow warriors, you're going to have to go for the jugular. There's really no other way of saying it.

That means striking the part where you say things take effort.

That means overall dispensing with paragraphs, and instead using bullets to a fault.

That means hammering home how much money they could make if they knew what you knew.

That means wielding the call-to-action as if it was a sledgehammer.

That means using repetition liberally because these guys are skimmers.

That means liberal use of clever, eye-catching graphics.

What I suggest you do, is take a look at some of the most popular WSOs. And look for patterns of presentation. The best of them have it down to a science.

If you study them, you'll find other patterns, because I've only listed the major ones above.

WSOs demand a rather unique hybrid of copy. It becomes evident once someone points it out to you.

Good luck with your WSO,

- Rick Duris
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- max5ty 13 years ago
  
  Good advice from Rick
  
  Thanks
  
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The Copy Nazi

Banned 13 years ago

So...Its copy for a WSO. On Offline selling secrets. That starts with some boring-ass yarn about some bozo you're pitching and he's not biting. Something to do with DISC - whatever the hell that is. Some more boring stuff. And then bullet points - including this gem -

[You'll learn how to]Communicate clearly with others

And yet - you're not "communicating" here are you.

Junk this drivel. Start again. Go watch "The Sopranos" and get a scenario from there - somebody's pitching Tony or he's pitching somebody. Start with "Remember when Tony Soprano was in Italy and..." - or whatever the yarn is. Then tie it into whatever it is you're flogging. Be descriptive. Describe what your characters are wearing. Their mannerisms. The sights and sounds around them. Entertain us.

Or resuscitate the original story - bring it to life. Like -

"It was hot. So friggin hot guys were frying eggs on their cars. Not really...but they coulda been. Kids had cracked the fire-hydrants all the way up Lexington Avenue. I'd only had to walk a few minutes from my car and already there were sweat-rings under my arms.

My guy was sitting in his tiny office with a clapped-out "Made in Mexico" air-con screaming its head off in the window but not making much difference. He was on the phone and working his computer at the same time. The last thing he wanted to do was talk to a salesman. I knew that. So I needed to make a connection fast."

Bit more interesting than -

This prospective client kept blabbering on about the effects of my service on people, and ignoring all the facts and figures I had ready to prove how valuable it was.
I tried again to return his attention to the rock solid details of what I had to offer. He clearly got bored, staring out the window. I felt more and more frustrated–just about ready to scream at this guy. Why wasn’t he getting it?!

p.s. the correct grammar is "pain-free profits" NOT "pain free profits". And "yes" there is a difference.

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The Copy Warriors 13 years ago

- I'd expand the headline out a little bit more to specify that they'll build rapport with offline clients. "Building rapport" is a valuable objective in tons of different fields, so you're not really flagging any particular type of reader with the headline as it is.

- I'd cut back the story beneath the "I almost lost it" sub-head to 2-3 paragraphs. As others have mentioned, people in the WSO just want you to get to the point.

- Refer to the fact that this is about offline sales in your first sub-head.

- Flesh out the section under the sub-head that starts with "Have you been frustrated..." You start a series of bullet points after the sentence "if you've ever been..." I think this is a good approach, but be sure to follow the "if," up with a "then," so as to maintain a logical train of thought. Right now the structure sort of leaves people hanging.

Those are just a few things i'd change, but on the whole, i think it was a great read that would get at least some people to order. Just in need of a few tweaks.
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- Mark Andrews Banned 13 years ago
  
  Hello Jason
  
  Sales copy as you know is all about persuasion. Persuasion of what? Emotion.
  
  So, I read your main headline...
  
  Build Rapport Fast With DISC!
  
  The effect of this main headline on my emotions? It leaves me bewildered. Flummoxed even...
  
  ...asking myself, "What the hell is this guy going on about? What's in this for me? And what the hell is DISC? And why do I even care?"
  
  But I persevere...
  
  ...and read the next sentence down...
  
  "I Almost Lost It..."
  
  What are my emotions telling me Jason? What is my subconscious mind communicating to my conscious mind on reading this?
  
  I'm thinking...
  
  "DISC? Lost it? Lost what? WTF? What is this (prat) going on about?"
  
  Out of sheer stubbornness I continue to read down below...
  
  ...and see this...
  
  This prospective client kept blabbering on about the effects of my service on people, and ignoring all the facts and figures I had ready to prove how valuable it was.
  
  The effect on my mind on reading this? One massive yawn.
  
  Your introduction, the main headline, the sub main headline, your first sentence is screaming at me by now... B-O-R-I-N-G-G-G-G-G!
  
  And what do I do? I click out in an instant.
  
  Total time on page? 5 seconds.
  
  What does this tell you Jason?
  
  Kindest regards,
  
  Mark Andrews
  
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Jason Kanigan 13 years ago

Awesome, guys, thanks for the feedback! Made me laugh & smile!

I did this up in about an hour and didn't even go for one of the major things I usually do (People don't buy what you do; they buy why you do it). It's a draft, and a quick one. I wanted to see how well this direction would work.

@Andrew: I kept the self-introduction to the close because I wanted to explain what was in it for my reader up front, not fill up the real estate with "myself."

@TravelingGuy: I want to eliminate part of my audience. This isn't going to go for $7 or whatever: it's for people with some offline experience who want to do a whole lot better, and will be priced higher. So some money-hungry kid isn't my target. But perhaps the price itself would do that. Your summation of 'the problem' was succinct and I like it.

@Mal: I had that fork ready for you to stick in it. Your style is a lot more visceral than most. I'm not gonna stick a hyphen in my business name, but I appreciate your feedback.

But I think the most important thing I got (thanks Rick) from your opinions is that WSO copy needs to be different from regular copy.

That being said, guys...

I was privately invited, before the holidays, to rewrite an already successful WSO...and it's pulling much better than before. I should go look at that...because an eye-catching graphic was put up front...and I did use a lot of bullet points.

All your feedback is appreciated & thanks for taking the time to type it up! It's going to make for a much better end result that helps many Warriors. Now that I explained the audience and price point, does anyone have a different opinion?

I'm off to rewrite!
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Jason Kanigan 13 years ago

Hi Mark, interesting feedback.

Well, my web page has to be called something, so that's what I called it. I guess I should change it to "draft" because that's not my intended headline.

Somebody posted the "I almost lost it last night" headline recently as an example of an awesome starter (I think it was in a newsletter). It was appropriate for the frustration people in this situation feel. So I nicked it.

Since you don't recognize the situation, you probably aren't in my target market. That's fine. Thanks for the feedback.
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- Mark Andrews Banned 13 years ago
  
  No I'm not your target market Jason...
  
  ...but I do offer and have offered professional copywriting critiques for quite a long time now.
  
  It's not like I'm coming to the table with no direct experience what works and what doesn't work.
  
  If you think your WSO sales copy is good enough to pass the acid test, go for it. Prove us all wrong. The proof will be in the pudding whether or not it converts. I strongly suspect in it's current form - it will not convert.
  
  Don't take a copywriting critique personally Jason. You should know better than most that any comment here given is for your own good. It's not personal.
  
  Just take the advice offered on the chin and accept it for what it is. I have no ulterior motive other than to try and help you.
  
  In this current form, your copy is rubbish. I didn't get past the introduction. I was reading it from the perspective of placing myself in your target markets shoes. Not from my own perspective.
  
  And I can pretty much guarantee to you... not many people are going to find your intro anywhere near enticing enough to want to continue reading down below to find out more - what's in it for them...
  
  The attention span of most people is extraordinarily short. If you don't grab their attention in the first few seconds in the WSO Forum, you've lost them. And they won't come back.
  
  As Rick stated, look at the very successful WSO's, they've got the format and the science of writing a highly effective WSO down to a tee.
  
  Compare your rather pitiful example alongside them, how do you think it matches up by comparison?
  
  Whether you like it or not (and I suspect the latter), copywriting is all about persuasion of your target audience emotions.
  
  Every word you write in sales copy will do something in the mind of the reader. They're either going to feel completely neutral in their mind on reading your words. They're going to be attracted by the words you write...
  
  ...or they're going to be repelled by your chosen words. That's emotion for you.
  
  It's your job to attract the emotion which builds up a strong desire for your product. If you don't do so, you just won't get many sales.
  
  Don't deceive yourself ever Jason... every word, every sentence, every paragraph conveys emotion in copywriting. Like a light switch...
  
  ...you can either inadvertently switch your target market emotions off or switch them on. Obviously... you want to switch them on as much as possible.
  
  The more you switch their emotions on, like a light bulb going off in their mind - the better chance you have of directing your readers into a direct course of action of your choosing.
  
  Always ask yourself Jason, what is this word...
  
  ...what is this main headline...
  
  ...what is this first sentence...
  
  ...what is this 2nd sentence...
  
  ...what is this paragraph...
  
  ...what is this sub main headline...
  
  ...what is this bundle of words...
  
  ...what is this etc etc etc...
  
  ...all going to do in the mind of my target audience?
  
  What are all of my words doing to the emotions of the person reading my sales copy?
  
  Am I influencing their emotions positively or negatively?
  
  Am I switching them on or am I switching them off?
  
  Think about written persuasion like this and your copywriting skills will improve dramatically.
  
  Best,
  
  Mark Andrews
  
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Jason Kanigan 13 years ago

@Mark: Sorry, I think you misunderstood. I didn't take it personally. Like I said to you, "Put up a target and expect it to get shot at." I put up targets and they get shot at. It's OK. You're one of the top guys in this forum, along with Mal and the rest. I'm very pleased at the caliber of people who responded to my request for feedback. I'm rewriting right now.
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- Mark Andrews Banned 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by kaniganj
  
  @Mark: Sorry, I think you misunderstood.
  
  There's the power of emotion right there, Mark grins.
  
  All is good. No problem.
  
  Kindest regards,
  
  Mark Andrews
  
  Thanks
  
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Jason Kanigan 13 years ago

Incidentally, most of the work I do is with salespeople and sales managers...so it's not surprising my first draft would speak to them, is it?

I totally get it that writing to Warriors is different, and that's why I asked for the feedback. Obviously I know now, thanks to you guys, that I have to change my style for this market. When the rewrite is ready, I'll open it up and you can tell me if I hit the mark this time or not.
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[Closed--Thanks!] Grade Me! Grade Me!

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