Sales letter from Heaven? or Hell! (UPDATED)

by Severin Banned
9 replies
Hi there
I'm just getting ready to embark on an offline business designing mobile websites and I have reached the point where I need to do the sales letter. It will be mailed out locally, I've learnt a few tips about using a hand-written envelope, askew postage stamp, attention grabbing headlines etc but writing the copy is driving me mad!

I'm used to writing, I write fairly long and heavy proposals for arts projects but this is my first exercise in an actual sales letter. I don't want it come across as being too hard or salesy, in fact my desired intention is to get appointments and calls-the quality of the sites and service I offer will hopefully close the sales for me.

I would really appreciate your input on whether you think I'm on the right track or to just ditch it and rethink.

By the way, it'll be mailed with a newspaper clipping talking about the importance of mobile web and penetration into the market.


[edit]If you want to increase your profits in as little as 5 days, then you need to read this letter.[edit]

Dear...........................

Did you know...
1 in 4 mobile internet users abandon a regular web page that takes

more than 4 seconds to load.

It seems like everyone has a mobile phone nowadays and every day more and more people are using them to search, shop and socialize on the internet. In fact by as early as next year, more people will access the internet on phones than on pc's. This is an incredible statement of where our culture is headed. The time is now to capitalize on this phenomena.

50% of mobile users abandon a page if it doesn't load in 10 seconds...
...And 3 out of 5 won't even return to that site

We can see that you've got a nice website but have you seen it on a phone? If not, here's a picture I took...

INSERT IMAGE

[edit]And here's how it could look...

INSERT IMAGE[edit]

There are some fundamental differences with the behaviour of internet users who use the 'desktop' internet and those who use their phones. The first and most important is that while desktop users are quite happy to browse for information, mobile web users actively search for information.
The thing is mobile users don't want to scroll all over the place looking for your information, they want your important data RIGHT NOW, they want to be able to find you RIGHT NOW and most importantly they want to be able to call you RIGHT NOW.
Furthermore, any design thoughts you put into your website are completely lost on a phone unless it is specifically optimized for the mobile internet.

Just imagine being able to:
  • Attract more business.
  • Keep visitors on your site.
  • Let you customers call you with the click of a button.
  • Share your site in innovative ways.
  • Allow seamless connection to social media.
...And that's just for starters!

A mobile website will help increase your business... Guaranteed!

Its a big claim I know, but its also a proven one. There is no doubt - people are searching and using the mobile internet right now, maybe even looking at your site but if yours just isn't up to scratch they'll move on to a site that is. Its vitally important to provide your customers with an easy and positive experience that will make them want to do business with You.

[edit]FOR THIS WEEK ONLY...
Give us a call in the next 7 days for a very special 20% introductory discount. We will show you how a professionally designed custom made mobile website can look & feel and most importantly, what it can do for your business success. Will will also be happy to answer any questions you may have on this exciting technology. .


Our custom made mobile website designs take advantage of all the benefits of a mobile phone. We can incorporate a 'click to call' button, maps, GPS, contact forms, all your social media links and much more. We will evaluate your existing site and can tailor our design if wanted to compliment your site for seamless branding. We can accomplish all this in a professional and timely manner for much less than you think.[edit]

And not only that, but:
  • We can show you other exciting ways to interact with your customers.
  • Share our extensive new media and marketing experience.
  • Suggest ideas on how to ramp it up further.
  • Help you take advantage of this massive wave.
We are confident that you will not find a better mobile web design service, a more complete package or a more competitive price anywhere.

[edit]Our guarantee to you: Test drive your new mobile website for 30 days, if you're not satisfied that it can add value and convenience to your business we will gladly refund you.[edit]

Talk to us today to arrange a convenient meeting and let us
help you go mobile.

O1234 5678910


Best regards ...........................................

Ps. Last year over 85 percent of new handsets were able to access the mobile web. Today in the US and Europe, 90 percent of mobile users have an Internet ready phone.




So there it is. Your thoughts will be invaluable
Thanks
Sev




#heaven #hell #letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author sammytay67
    This is brilliant. I love how you start out with the statistics in the beginning for that attention grab right away. A+ idea and execution.
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    • Profile picture of the author Severin
      Banned
      Thanks Sammy, I really appreciate it. I've put a lot of effort into this but I'm still a bit unsure about a couple of parts, hence my post.

      Sev
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  • Profile picture of the author DavidG
    You don't give me a reason WHY this is important to my business.

    So start off with something like - "If you want to double your profits in as little as 3 days, then you need to read this letter."

    Then you can segway into the stats and how it's relevant to me as a business owner.

    Remember - you want to SELL what people really want.

    You don't want toothpaste to prevent cavities - you want the white teeth.

    You don't want a mobile website - you want to double or triple your profits.

    Remember - disney doesn't sell rides.




    regZ
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    • Profile picture of the author Severin
      Banned
      Originally Posted by regZ View Post

      You don't give me a reason WHY this is important to my business.

      So start off with something like - "If you want to double your profits in as little as 3 days, then you need to read this letter."

      Then you can segway into the stats and how it's relevant to me as a business owner.

      Remember - you want to SELL what people really want.

      You don't want toothpaste to prevent cavities - you want the white teeth.

      You don't want a mobile website - you want to double or triple your profits.

      Remember - disney doesn't sell rides.
      Thanks RegZ
      Thats a really good point, I love the disney analogy
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  • Profile picture of the author Hans Klein
    Hi Sev,

    A big note for you...

    You need to work on crafting a better offer... what it is that you're going to give the prospect when he/she responds to your letter.

    For instance, your offer might be...

    * A free evaluation where you show them if their site is or isn't already mobile compatible.

    * A free website where you get a cut of the hosting... or a free wordpress theme where you upsell them to get all the good stuff.

    * Maybe a basic mobile website is already built... and the client just needs to call you for a consultation to get it customized and to buy it.

    * A real risk-free guarantee where the client gets to test out the site for a month before he/she is billed... or simply a 30 day money-back guarantee. Whatever takes the risk away.

    Also... explain why it's urgent that you get a response. For instance, maybe you're only going to service 1 business like theirs in the area. So, if they don't respond, you're going to go to the competition.

    Currently you say, "We'd like to offer to show you how a custom made mobile website can look & feel and answer any questions you may have on this exciting technology. We will analyse your existing site and can tailor our design if wanted to compliment your site for seamless branding."

    This is very weak. Explain the urgency and why this is an offer you don't want to miss-out on. Look at what other successful offline business consultants are offering and give your own twist to create a business model that works for you.

    That said, you've got some things that might work... like taking a picture of the client's existing site. Even better would be an "after" picture so he/she can see the difference.

    -Hans
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    The Montello Group
    Copywriting | Publishing | Training
    Your Premier Conversion Collaborative
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    • Profile picture of the author Severin
      Banned
      Hi Hans
      Thank you very much for the very constructive advice. I think you nailed it completely, the part where I make the offer was the hardest bit for me to get down, and I had a nagging doubt that it was the weakest part. How about I make some kind of week long discount offer to get them to reply quickly? I can certainly inject some urgency into the letter.

      I like the before and after pic idea, its a bit more work to undertake but I can definately see the benefit of it from the clients perspective.

      Thanks again for some very good advice
      Sev

      EDIT: I've taken the very good advice and updated my original letter to reflect this.
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  • Profile picture of the author BHeard
    Can we see the update
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    • Profile picture of the author Severin
      Banned
      Originally Posted by BHeard View Post

      Can we see the update
      I've updated and edited it straight onto the original post, to make it clearer where and what has been changed I've marked the edits.

      Thanks
      Sev
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  • Profile picture of the author behar
    hi Severin,

    have you had any luck with your letter? i'm about to reach out to local businesses about mobile sites too but my concern is this - if they already have a site, they already have a designer. so - they will most likely get in touch with him once they get the sales letter. so not sure how to go about that
    Signature
    no question is a dumb question
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