Prospecting Email--Whadda' You Think?

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I've been doing a lot of reading, writing and hanging around on this forum. I find the bright lights of Copywriter town irresistible and I'm ready to try my hand at doing some writing for the web.

Like most people here, I know a fair amount about what's required to move a site up in the ranks. I'm going to launch my career by contacting small business owners and offering SEO and copywriting services. Following is a mailer/email that I've put together and I'd be interested in your thoughts. My wife says it's too wordy but John Carlton has convinced me that if they find it appealing they'll read it. Thanks in advance (and in arrears) for all your help.

Jerry







































#copywriting #emailwhadda #prospecting
  • I basically like this. But there are three things you should consider. I'll get to those in a moment...

    Before you send this out keep in mind that no matter how much you stick to CAN-SPAM rules this approach is still basically viewed as spam by many people. So keep in mind that some business owners may come unglued since you are making yourself an easy target for complaint by using a real email address and real contact details--unlike true spammers.

    Some of us hate spam more than others, myself included: http://www.andrebell.com/too-much-spam-6-13-05.jpg

    ...so be careful.

    That said, now to your copy.

    ===

    I like this headline. Problem #1 - most people don't know whether a site is truly making money or not. They just don't know. But for those who do know and who care this is a good headline. No pain no change.

    'Three (things) are essential for your website to provide you with the value you expect from it.'

    Good basic sentence but your verbs should be a little stronger, but not over the top, since this is b2b. Provide is a weak verb. 'Value' is weak and too subjective.

    Oh. You should not give the three answers right away. Instead make your reader wait for the answer, as I did with my opening to you i.e. "I'll get to those in a moment..."

    Also, "things" is often a bad word to use in sales copy, especially when the 'thing' is the center of focus. The word does not in and of itself paint a picture of what you are speaking of.

    I like that you credential-ized yourself via your 'Why Me' section. And I like the quote from the dentist. Likely other business owners feel the same way. They can identify with that quote. Rework the paragraph. Lead with the quote. Don't put the quote at the end. It is strongest part of that paragraph. Would be a shame for the reader not to see the quote.

    Use of 'do not know how' is condescending. No one wants to be told they are stupid or lacking in knowledge.

    The 'Find an expert and let them manage your site for you...' is not very strong offer at all. In the minds of business owners someone has already managed the site, that is how it go online. And perhaps they are paying monthly fees now for site management. At least in their eyes you are offering what they are already paying for. You need an irresistible offer. Not more of what they believe they already possess.

    'it deserves to be administered by a professional--that's me.' -braggadocios since you are not yet proven to be deserving of anything.

    The 'Why Me' section has too much "I" and 'me'. Should be more reader focused. Or at the very least, feature the value you've offered to affiliate product owners. Not to yourself.

    'Something Free From Me to You' - Read Irresistible Offer if not already done so. Offering a free eval is smart. The wording and offer doesn't speak of 'value' to recipient. Sounds more like a sales pitch to push hiring you than unbiased feedback. Make it sound like they are getting something for nothing. Not just a pitch explaining 'how we can work together.'

    "This is just a ruse to get in my store and start selling me a bunch of services I don't need!" - Good use of defusing possible objection. I'd word this differently though.

    Call to action should suggest something more than 'If you feel my free website analysis might be of value.' You sound unsure. As if you expect the reader to read between the lines of what isn't said to determine if such is valuable or not. At this point it is not. You have not sold them on a reason to call you.

    The P.S. is supposed to be used to reiterate your strong offer. Something you've already addressed in the main message. Should not be used to introduce anything new. You should move your years of experience to the main message. And word the message differently.

    The P.P.S. is more bragging. Where's the proof?

    The P.P.P.S. suffers the same as the P.S. The offer belongs here. Not a testimonial.

    By the way, when I said 'there are three things you should consider', I used that line to get you to read the full message. And to illustrate how to toy with your reader's mind. The goal is to force them to read the entire message. There really are more than three 'things' to work on in this letter.

    Your letter is a good start. Just needs some work.

    Andre
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
    • [1] reply
    • I basically like this, as a sales letter. But there are three things you should consider. I'll get to those in a moment...

      Before you send this out keep in mind that no matter how much you stick to CAN-SPAM rules this approach is still basically viewed as spam by many people. So keep in mind that some business owners may come unglued since you are making yourself an easy target for complaint by using a real email address and real contact details--unlike true spammers.

      Some of us hate spam more than others, myself included: http://www.andrebell.com/too-much-spam-6-13-05.jpg

      ...so be careful.

      That said, now to your copy.

      ===

      True. But not for an unsolicited email.

      I like your headline. Most people though don't know whether a site is truly making money or not. They just don't know. So for most, your headline won't work. But for those who do know and who do care this is a good headline. No pain no change.

      Misquoting you: 'Three (things) are essential for your website to provide you with the value you expect from it.'

      Your verbs should be stronger. But of course not over the top, since this is b2b. 'Provide' is a weak verb. 'Value' is weak and too subjective.

      Also, you should not list the three answers right away. Instead make your reader wait for the answer, as I did with my opening to you i.e. "I'll get to those in a moment..."

      Also, "things" is often a bad word to use in sales copy, especially when the 'thing' is the center of focus. The word does not in and of itself paint a picture of what you are speaking of.

      I like that you credential-ized yourself via your 'Why Me' section. And I like the quote from the dentist. Likely other business owners feel the same way. They can identify with that quote. Rework the paragraph though. Lead with the quote. Don't put the quote at the end. It is strongest part of that paragraph. Would be a shame for the reader not to see the quote.

      Use of 'do not know how' is condescending. No one wants to be told they are stupid or lacking in knowledge.

      The 'Find an expert and let them manage your site for you...' is not very strong offer at all. In the minds of business owners someone has already managed the site, that is how it go online. Perhaps they are paying monthly fees for site management. If so, in their eyes you are offering what they are already paying for. This is not an irresistible offer.

      'it deserves to be administered by a professional--that's me.' -braggadocios since you are not yet proven to be deserving of anything.

      The 'Why Me' section has too much "I" and 'me'. Should be more reader focused. Or at the very least, feature the value you've offered to affiliate product owners. Not to yourself. As one other warrior mentioned, there's no wiifm.

      'Something Free From Me to You' - Read Irresistible Offer if not already done so. Offering a free eval is smart. But this offer falls flat. The wording and offer do not speak 'value' to recipients. Sounds more like a sales pitch to push hiring you than unbiased feedback. Rework your offer to sound like your reader is getting something for nothing. Not just a pitch explaining 'how we can work together' because at the moment they have no interest in working with you. You are soliciting them.

      "This is just a ruse to get in my store and start selling me a bunch of services I don't need!" - Good attempt to defuse a possible objection. I'd word this entire section differently though.

      Call to action should suggest something more than, 'If you feel my free website analysis might be of value...' You sound unsure. As if you expect the reader to read between the lines of what isn't said to determine if such is valuable or not. At this point it is not. You have not sold them on a reason to call you.

      Traditionally the P.S. is supposed to be used to reiterate your strong offer. Something you've already addressed in the main message. Should not be used to introduce anything new. You should move your years of experience to the main message. And word the message differently.

      The P.P.S. is more bragging. Where's the proof?

      The P.P.P.S. suffers the same as the P.S. An offer or scarcity belongs here. Not a testimonial.

      By the way, earlier when I said 'there are three things you should consider', I used that line to illustrate how to toy with your reader's mind. The goal is to force them to read the entire message. Unfortunately there really are more than three 'things' to work on in this letter.

      Your message is a good start -- as a letter not an email. Needs some work.

      Andre
      • [ 1 ] Thanks
  • Jerry,

    I tend to agree with your wife and might save your more lengthy correspondence to send in a letter by mail after the prospect has agreed to accept your information.

    Here's a short email that worked for me as a lead generator to get the business to accept my letter by mail:












    • [ 2 ] Thanks
  • A couple things:

    1. The copy is too long for an email.

    2. It takes too long to get to the WIIFM? (What's in it for me?) part of the copy... which means the reader is long gone by then.

    3. You start talking about yourself a lot towards the middle of the copy. Focus on the reader and how he'll benefit from your service.

    4. If you're going to mail this, you buried a potential headline in your PPS:
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
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    • You should test.

      But I'll make a prediction: It'll fail.

      It's the wrong strategy.

      You're trying to close them on you and your services, when you should be trying to generate leads for you to close at a later point.

      - Rick Duris
      • [ 3 ] Thanks
      • [1] reply
  • Here's an idea i thought of...Write some copy that really doesn't have anything to do with YOU at all at first. You could send a letter with your same headline, really hammer down the message that they are missing out on revenue from their website, then ask if you can send them a FREE report. Maybe a SASE included or a website to visit for the response. If they respond THEN send them your pitch... maybe even include some real basic info about their existing website... "You rank HERE, if you ranked HERE you could potentially make a lot more money and here's why." Then at the end, pitch your business.

    Never tried anything like that before myself but I just think your potential client is going to need 2 sells on this..you'll need to sell them on the idea that all this "Stuff" is ACTUALLY important to their business, and then sell them on you.

    Might be way off base but just my $0.02.
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
  • Thank you all so very much for your thoughtful and thorough inputs. I'm happy to not have been verbally chastised but the prospect of mastering the subtleties and nuances of a word here, a phrase there, etc. seems a bit daunting.

    This is the first time I've hung anything out in front of the forum and frankly, I'm a bit taken by the generosity of those of you who have (and will) reply. I just got more education than I've gotten up to this point reading a stack of books. Thanks again--I'll be back!

    Jerry
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
  • Hi jgrink,

    There is no doubt that email works but it shouldn't come across as a sales page or pitch... not just because it is unsolicited.

    Also reading your thread immediately brought to mind what Ogilvy said, "The consumer isn't a moron. She is your wife".

    Sorry. Couldn't resist it :-)

    In my humble opinion she is quite right.

    The wordiness apart, the entire email makes you sound like a desperate salesman looking the close the deal.

    Instead your email [the message] should make the receiver say. "Wow, I didn't know that! I am glad I received this info." Your desired response from the receiver should be, "This guy was very helpful."

    It may be an unsolicited mail but turn it around to make it look like an unsolicited help from a generous stranger with no strings attached.

    This kind of things melt people.

    Now, what is this info in the email? It is your pitch minus the pitch.

    I think you are quite there with what you are trying to say. But I really think you should tone down both the length of your copy as well as the 'salesy' tone.

    The most important part to me in your present mail is this...

    ***********************
    Is Your Website Making Money For You Or Taking Money From You?
    These 3 things are essential in order for your website to provide you with the value you expect from it:

    1. It needs to be found.
    2. It needs to be viewed.
    3. It needs a call to action.

    *********************

    You could play around with this part & craft your copy in the light of what i mentioned above.

    Note: Your email shouldn't necessarily be written like a sales page or an ad. Just make it read like a personal letter/email.

    After you have caught the attention and interest of the reader with the above, quickly & shortly hint how you can make things better for him.

    For instance,

    *********
    Email subject: Is your website making or breaking your business?

    Hi [name]

    Ideally, a website should get more customers & make more profit for a business.

    But that is often not the case. How about your website?

    If it is not, that's because of the 3 usual culprits.

    And they are bad for business.

    1. The search engines can't find it
    2. As a result, your customers can't find it
    3. When they do, they don't buy from it

    NOTE: By now, you have made the reader think about his website vis-a-vis the 3 culprits. Even if he don't, the next section of the email should quickly offer the solution [No hire me NOW or I am blah blah] or just make a compelling offer without pitching.

    For instance [you can cook up an offer here],

    How do you solve that? How can your website make your business, and not break it?

    As a Search Engine Optimization (SEO) expert & a web copywriter I understand this concern.

    So I have prepared a free report to make your website more profitable. You can download it here.

    [Or... Our new start-up now offers a free SEO consultancy for business owners with no obligations whatsoever. However, it is limited to just a few businesses. You can call us or email us now to know more etc......]

    Sincerely,
    [Name]
    [Designation]
    [Company name]
    [Website link]
    [Contact details]

    *****************

    Hope it helps.

    And yes, I know it completely deviates from what you originally had.

    But think of it as the other email that you could split test the original against.

    Go with whichever works and build on it.

    And all the best with your venture.
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    • Why email it?

      Send it in the post. You'll get a much higher response rate. And if your letter is good, it'll pay for itself many times over.
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  • ejunkie, I really like the idea of turning it into a personal letter format. And I very much appreciate all the time you put into your suggestions; you practically wrote the letter for me!
    Hugh, I've been considering sending it snail mail as suggested by another respondent above. Thanks very much for your input.

    Jerry
  • Be careful not to teach, or use your own jargon. For example, the beginning struck me as odd because it feels like you're teaching the prospect how things work (list of 3 things), plus you're using industry terms like "call to action". An email is not the appropriate place to teach.

    I didn't read much of the rest, but my eyes WERE drawn to the "I don't want to think about websites--I'm a dentist!" line. That line is emotionally significant and something your readers WILL connect with.
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    Prospecting Email--Whadda' You Think?

    I've been doing a lot of reading, writing and hanging around on this forum. I find the bright lights of Copywriter town irresistible and I'm ready to try my hand at doing some writing for the web. Like most people here, I know a fair amount about what's required to move a site up in the ranks. I'm going to launch my career by contacting small business owners and offering SEO and copywriting services. Following is a mailer/email that I've put together and I'd be interested in your thoughts. My wife says it's too wordy but John Carlton has convinced me that if they find it appealing they'll read it. Thanks in advance (and in arrears) for all your help.