Hi Adam,

First of all your copy isn't all that bad. It covers the basics - it's got some empathy, and yes, you design websites.

But your people probably get inundated with this type of "So what? - everybody says this, I've heard it all before" type of pitch.

It's trying very hard to say something enlightening. But isn't managing it. It's not nearly compelling enough.

It's too easy just to "pass it by" Because it's a bit bland. There's not enough substance and far too many generalities - with virtually no tangible enticing details.

It coughs and splutters too much.

You don't want that.


Make everything flow flawlessly. In logical order. Don't bounce the readers about. Make it interesting, enthralling and enjoyable to read.

You want your letter to be the best part of your prospects day. Making them go "Wow - this is exactly what I need, I really do want these results and I want them now"

The headline should be about the one thing your prospects really do need - more sales.

Then progress from that key trigger. Tell them exactly how you'll achieve this.

And never give a feature without highlighting the benefit.

The benefits you're aiming for are -

Objective positive benefits

Problem solving benefits

Positive emotional benefits

Emotional relief benefits

Use more subheads and make them magnetic - pull people into the copy.

Power up the bullets - use a magnum not a spud gun.



What to do is -

Put yourself in the shoes of the client (actually in a winery they may not wear shoes).

Anyway.

Rewrite the whole piece asking yourself - one thing - what do the clients most want to hear?

Then tell them. Concisely, specifically and professionally - make them realize and prove why you are the only website designer they should use. They already have one so why are you leagues better?

Don't make it boring - sell with empathy with a dash of entertainment.

Miss out any stuff that doesn't interest them. If you are going to tell a story - make it really fascinating. Remember your prospects only care about themselves.

Make an "limited" irresistible offer - one that nobody in their right minds can refuse.

I like the guarantee - really hammer it again in the P.S.


Steve


P.S. Others should pop in and give you more "how to do it" techniques.

Adam you are trying to do too much with this.

When selling tangible things which people can hold in their hands
or at least touch, then you can write a long form sales letter.

When selling services that are intangible, like what you are offering,
then you have to take baby steps.

It could be just a personalized hand written note saying something as simple as..

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Eve, your website has sparked an idea I think you'd like,
and I'd like to quickly run it by you.
Call me on 021 6969 09
Cheers Adam
BTW love your 2006 Chardonnay
-----------------------------------------------------------------

That's your lead generation letter getting you talking with decision makers.

Talking with prospects should be the outcome you want.

And what I've shown you is a way to do it.

Best,
Ewen

P.S. Keep sending them out to your list of wineries you would love to work with.

This is a stinker. Dud headline...followed by the cheesy salutation "Dear Fellow Wino" (or whatever it was)...followed by very clumsy copy. So inept it scares me.

Bite the bullet and hire a pro.

A simple change of your headline to something as simple as



will get more attention with the addition of a verb

You are "courting" these clients. You're looking to
take the business away from somebody else, so while
this is done and that's business, you should make
an offer that gets them thinking maybe you have
an edge their present supplier lacks.

A lot of businesses have webmasters resting on their
laurels maintaining a 10 year old site and collecting
a monthly fee that is outlandish by today's standards.

You need to make a better offer compared to the
person they've used before. Don't assume their current
supplier is up on the game of IM though. Chances are
good some of these dudes are collecting a mid-to-high
4-figure annual paycheck just to make an occasional
update and troubleshoot as needed; basic webmaster
stuff.

Just make it simple and direct to the point. Emphasized why your product is different from your competitor and focus on that.

Adam, one suggestion: I would try to add some testimonials to both your lead gen efforts and your site. You have enough success stories in your portfolio. Get some good testimonials and put them everywhere, even your email signature. Maybe interview your good customers on video and post some of those on your site.

[DELETED]

So sorry guys! You're the best! I didn't realize people were commenting. Just got an email today from the forum. I'll read them all now.

When I used to "court" architects for my fabrication
business I would mail these cheap text-laden postcards
with an offer of a free info-packet. Basic lead generation
marketing. Only a tiny percent will request the packet,
but then you send them something with a "thud factor"
in the mail and they realize you really care about detail...
and then they realize they really care about detail...
and then they realize that the guy they've been using
doesn't... and then you get a call.

Loren,
I forgot to mention that I agree with your whitepaper thought.
My plan in this case is an email that cliffhangs, getting them to my website, where they'll see the letter or a video powerpoint where I speak the letter.

I'm starting to think I really need to rewrite, and I think Ken is right on.
Do you guys agree with Ken?

Excellent psychology though, Loren. Thanks!

I have just spent literally 10 minutes to come up with this headline which in my opinion is more interesting than your own:



However, it still would not be recommended by anyone in this thread, although they may comment that it is a more interesting alternative than even your latest attempt.

Blime... I like the mention of a system.

ewen... I'm not much of a talker. I wrote the letter in the hopes that it would boost my conversion rates in the end. I was hoping to build enough desire in my prospects to get a higher number to call me. It would help if they were already sold before they call. I suck at this. Any bit would help

Video promotion is the best way to get results (i.e., 55 times more likely to get a PR1 ranking). What you could actually do is to create a wine website first, get it to PR1 (pre-done & ready to use) then approach your potential customer with your offer. I expect though you are strapped for time & probably too impatient for this idea. Anyway, I reckon you are learning quick about most IM things as I am. the only way we truly benefit in anything is to experience something by our own action (good or bad) & learn from it. There again we need to be careful not to go out like a bull in a china shop because it could do us more long-term harm than good. After all we do not want some viral message going around that we are totally greenhorn, while we need to promote our brand professionally from the word 'go' & never before we are actually ready.

Agreed, Blime.
I think what I'm getting from all of the advice above is that I should just casually craft an email to my prospect list that tells them what damage a bad website does to their brand, what they gain by having a great site, mention how expensive my competitors are, then invite them to call me for a free consult or visit my website.
Does this sound about right?

List my rates on my site?

Adam,
I reckon that is a good plan to be getting on with for sure. Like me you are wary of telephone communications especially because we are not proven salesmen either. Not enough confidence & all that. Everyone has made really important contributions in this thread & so now I guess you will just have to re-tweak your approach with less over-selling, feature testimonies where possible & seriously consider outsourcing to a copywriter when you can. Then you could use the latter for your original approach more confidently. In this example then too much info can work against you.

I love IM it is like playing a real hard game of word-chess every day with potentially consequences that keep that pressure flowing & interest glowing.

Adam, this might help your long-term marketing--here is a good resource that talks about positioning your business in the marketplace:

The 10 Commandments of Power Positioning | Michel Fortin on Copywriting, Marketing, Business, and Life

You can read it there or download the report for free. The author is a respected copywriter and marketing consultant. He works with a lot of independent business owners.

You guys have all been amazing!
I'm totally rethinking my approach.
Thank you thank you thank you!
"I'll be back"! <---said like Arnold

My primary problem is I wouldn't read past the headline as a reader, which makes the rest of the copy obsolete until you get that in order. I

"Here’s The #1 Way To Quickly and Effortlessly Give Your Website A Breakthrough Facelift...That Breathes Class & Distinction, And It Won’t Even Break The Bank!"

Just read this again and ask yourself where the benefit is. It's not spelled out clearly, I have to read between the lines. Assume that your reader is lazy and needs it spelled out in clear, black and white language. Remove everything that doesn't do that.

That's a start.

I thought it was a very good attempt and the feedback, for the most part, is constructive and helpful.

I love the visual of "breathing life into" a wine website. Everyone knows you open a bottle and let it breathe so that's nicely done.

Very good (and free) help here. Take the best, ignore the rest and good luck to you!