Sales Letter Critique

I didn't really notice anything wrong with it. There are a few areas that I'd tweak to help with the flow of the letter, but I'd say you're ready to test it out. Try it out on a segment of your subscribers, and then tweak it if needed and then send it to the rest.

Lee, i didn't get a chance to look at it in-depth... but i'd drop the $5 bill part at the end.

I get what you're trying to do... using the Gary Halbert "dollar bill" grabber... but that's usually used at the beginning, as an attention-getter.

here, for some reason, it just rubs me the wrong way when i look at it through the eyes of a potential prospect. it's almost too hypey and too good to be true.

just my thought, but i'd drop it and just really highlight the overwhelming benefits again in the PS... you'll build more trust, cred, and likability that way instead of claiming you're gonna make it rain $5 bills on them....

Unfortunately, the piece is not strong enough. The offer & opportunity need to be IRRESISTIBLE.

A more compelling call-to-action and greater sense of urgency.

Right now, the way the piece is structured, it's basically "we're going to charge forever, for what you've been getting for free."

There are several ways to address the opportunity:

1. Compare yourself to the Yellow Pages.

Everyone knows Yellow Pages charges through the nose. The results are usually pathetic. Except for emergency-type services.

Offer a better deal than Yellow Pages. Compare yourself to them. Comparably, give the current customers a bargain.

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2. Denominate the value they're getting.

Let's say for example they get 500 leads to their website a year and they convert 10% on a $300 sale on average. That's $15,000 of which they paid only $497.

Not too shabby.

Obviously the numbers may vary, but have them put a pencil to it. If you can back up your position with hard facts about THEIR click-through-rate, even better.

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3. Restructure your advertising rates to be ala carte or create advertising packages, then grandfather the current clients in at preferential pricing.

For instance, if they want to add a video, that's normally extra. But because they're current clients, you'll include it at no charge.

Give them a reason to feel comfortable recommitting to you.

If you decide to go this route, ALWAYS offer a free basic listing. Then you can always upgrade them later using special one-time offers. (And that's in fact what we're doing here. Giving them an irresistible one-time offer.)

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4. Instead of telling them "a major upgrade including a fresh new look and updated management system that makes it even easier to manage your listing," tell them how you're planning on rolling out a major advertising campaign to double visitors to the overall site over the next 12 months.

Which means all things being equal, they'll experience double the views and visitors to their website.

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5. As a part of their re-commitment, offer to gift them marketing, advertising and copywriting training so they can get more leads to their website and convert more prospects.

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I'm sure there are additional ways. Others will probably chime in.

- Rick Duris

PS: Make sure you're following up the letter with personal one-on-one attention.

PPS: Consider sending a sequence of letters addressing the above.

Hey Lee,

another thought... i've been having good luck lately with letters that start out with....

"10 Good Reasons a Listing in the Barringtons.com.au Directory Can Increase your
Sales, Profits, and Cash Flow..."

and then, you pick out the 10 most overwhelming benefits they get... make them rock-solid, killer benefits, and list them and give a little "end result" benefit that they get with that feature.

so, for example, maybe reason #1 says...

1. You get a one page listing with as much content as you want. What this means for you is, this content will increase your search engine rankings, which in turn will increase potential leads, sales, and revenue.

then, Lee, you simply think of the 10 most overwhelming benefits they get with a listing, and spell them out and put an emotional, end result benefit with each.

so at the end, the prospect has just read 10 ways you can help them increase their sales and profits... so they already feel like you've left them better off.

You should know I'm writing this from the perspective that *I'm seriously jealous.*

Barrington Tops Accommodation - Home is a diamond in the rough. The user interface is clunky but could be great. The search capability needs a lot of work.

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1. For the basic listing, give them 50 words or so, no keywords, no pictures, one link, no videos. "Free" is just a "complimentary listing."

Make everything else extra. Or put together advertising packages. Then let the upsell games begin.

Remember, these advertisers are competing against each other. Major leverage there.

There's no way they are going to be out-advertised by competitors, unless they're so exclusive they don't need to advertise or they're cheap.

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2. Partner with an online advertising expert in Australia, someone who knows the language, areas and customs. Offer their services at every opportunity. You can probably find someone here on WF. (Maybe ideally someone who's local and speaks from the heart about the area.)

It would be easy to set up a deal. Offer to recommend their services to write the directory listing. They can charge whatever they want to charge to the client.

In return, they do trainings for you for free for your clients. You'd be sort of like a sponsor.

Let me put it another way:

I have a client. To put it bluntly, they're rent-a-CFO consultants. They're brought in by banks to help their Clients sort out financial strategic stuff.

They are paid by the Client. But the recommendation is from the bank who supplies their credit lines and banking services.

What they do is put on "lunch and learn" seminars for the bank's Clients. Banks love it because it is an opportunity to add value to their Clients.

You could do similar. It'll be a very big opportunity for someone.

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3. I *LOVE* the mobile idea. It's perfect for what you're trying to accomplish. And eventually, the majority of your traffic will come from mobile.

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Again, you have a very lucrative opportunity. But it'd be easy to sub-optimize and leave money on the table.

Your current letter doesn't do the opportunity to advertisers justice. They don't see the value yet in your letter.

But I'm positive they will when you do it right. And they'll gladly pay you for being listed and putting their best foot forward.

Good luck,

- Rick Duris