Destroy my mojo again - need critique

I think your headline needs work...

"How much is not having a product costing you annually?"

Maybe just a little change like...

"How much is NOT having a product costing YOU?"

That has a little more punch, I think.

It's generally good to use capitalization or bold etc. to indicate where the emphasis is...so your reader "hears" your copy as if it were being stated out loud. (In headlines especially.)

Also... what the heck is a "lead magnet"? I see it's a $7 report but it's unclear whether I get the $7 report from you or if it's something I create myself. That had me confused at the beginning...and confusion is a complete turn off... but I did keep reading... and I think the rest of the letter really is pretty good... it's fast and clear... and your offer is very attractive... $0 to try it, $11 to buy it. (I may even take you up on it.)

And... have you indicated/explained what separates YOU (or your offer) from others who offer to show how to create and sell info products? This is something that should be made clear very near the top...as in your headline or lead. It might refer to something about the "Sherlock" system... or maybe something valuable and relevant in your personal experience.

Hope this helps!

-Scott

Hi Scott!

Thanks for the ideas.
I'll definitely split-test against the capitalized version.

I will also cover the other two suggestions (now I also see it): clarify the "lead magnet" thing and what separates my method from the rest.

Thanks again!

Alex

Hi Mark!

Good point concerning the bonuses.
I was thinking about adding more of them before, but thanks to your idea I'll kill two birds with one stone: create more urgency AND make the whole package more valuable.


Ok, I think I fixed the "$7 report confusion" issue. Thank you guys!

I'll meditate on how to express the uniqueness of the product

Alex

Alex,

This is looking promising, but needs polish. Print
it out and go over it with a red pen and you'll get
a fresh take.

For some reason the letters in the headline are
squeezed together on my monitor, which makes
them harder to read than is optimal.

'Give me 5 minutes and I'll show you' sets you
up with a challenge, although I know the line
may be found in swipe files. I might, as an
alternative, use 'Would you be interested in
learning how you too can add $50,600
to your annual income - while working part-time
hours and, making the world a better place?

I hate being addressed as 'my friend' by someone
I don't know, you would lose me there! Instead,
why not try - 'Relax, let me I explain how this
works'.

Advertising, hosting, autoresponder and such
costs will be taken care of in the first stage of
the process described in my report "How to create
money-making information products fast."

The caption 'Live the Internet lifestyle! There's
Nobody To Control What You Want.' isn't quite
right, but I would have to sleep on it to come
up with a better replacement.

'Knock 2 years off your learning curve in 20 minutes -
save time, money and energy that you'd be coerced
to invest if you were to learn it on your own." This
sentence is too complex . . . you're selling a simple
system, so your sales grammar must be simple too.

"#1 - Mindset. A mental loop that, puts you in jail of
your own retardedness" - this needs rethinking, not
simply because some prospects may have handicapped
members in their families, but also because it's not
clear enough.

Also, although your report might expose #1, it
doesn't expose #2, #3, and #4 in the same way. I
think #1 might be reframed into a benefit, something
like:

#1 'Mindset: [x] mental steps are revealed that
can release you from limiting beliefs and habits.

I don't care much for the headline 'The Deal', I still
don't know you well enough to make a deal, but I
may want the information in your report.

'This brand new report is offered at just $10 for
a time limited period whilst I receive customer
feedback. Once I know that all the grammar and
punctuation is perfect, and my customers start
to provide testimonials the price will go up to
$20. You, of course, will receive up-grades to
your copy of the report, should any be necessary.

I've set up a PayPal button for you - it's below
click on it to order. You will not be charged for
14 days, so you may approve the book at your
leisure. Your satisfaction is guaranteed.

You might insert this in a graphic, as I do in this
example: 28 Reasons to Understand the Psychological
Power of Photography.

Alex, this is forum level feedback. There's lots
I haven't considered within your letter, but
simply assumed you know what you're doing.

I hope you find these comments useful.

Stephen

It lacks credibility. $56,000. Right. You talk like creating $47 products is like learning to drive. It isn't.

You've got a big time overuse of the ellipsis. You've also got lots of grammatical errors. "There's simple statistics..." Should be There're... There are plenty of others as well. And don't listen to people who say that doesn't matter because it does, especially if your target market is writers.

If the $56,000 promise doesn't put them off, a product creation course sales pitch loaded with this stuff will. Here's another weird statement: "#1 - Mindset. A mental loop that, puts you in jail of your own retardedness" Huh?

I'm also wondering why you don't talk about how you're making a killing selling the slick products you claim your buyers will be creating. I don't know who you feel your audience is but this letter is really weak. Whoever it might be you need to tighten it up so it's believable and it flows. Good luck

Creating a product that commands a $47 price tag is NOT easy. It's unethical to imply it is.

I'm not disagreeing that everyone should be positioning themselves to generate passive income by selling their own products, but this isn't the right way to go about it.

First of all...

You're talking about flooding the marketplace with value-packed products. That worries me. Sure, you'll get the "get rich quick" crowd (potentially) interested, but what about the people who want to create REAL products?

The bottom line is...

There are so many objections to becoming a product creator. You're not hitting the subject matter or emotional triggers that will draw your prospects in (IMO.)

You're also failing to build the bigger picture.

What happens when I grab that $50,000 (make a more believable number BTW) that's waiting for me on the table? What kind of lifestyle do I get to live? What choices become available to me that I'd never get a taste of when I'm grinding it out everyday - trying to make a living?

No mention of any of this?!?!

Hmmm...

I've personally created various ebooks/guides and make a passive living from them. So what you're saying is possible. But you need to build more credibility and highlight the benefits of doing the extremely hard work of becoming a legit product creator.

Mark

Stephen, travlinguy, Mark and Ewen, thank you for the critique.
It will take some time to digest, I will do my best.

Stephen, your comments are very useful. Thank you.

Ewen, do you mean that I'm "telling them they are wrong" in the headline? "You're so silly, you're losing money as we speak" - that kind of message?

Alex

... is similar to a pause in writing. I'd recommend you remove that pause in your first sentence. Give me 5 minutes... Right there is where you are ramping up to get their blood pumping... so they'll stay interested.

I'd also back up those calculates in your sub-head. Saying my calculations makes it sound uncredible. I'd also look at that headline.

What are you getting at? It's hard to give specific advice because the problem is a lack of clarity. So, the solution is to get more clarity yourself before writing it... Who is this piece being written to? Does not having a product really make sense to them in the way it's being shown?

I write for this market so I'd say no. There's definitely a better way to construct your headline.

I'll stop there because if you need anything, it's work on the opening of the ad. The rest doesn't matter unless it gets read.

this has definitely improved since before. Glad to see your keeping at it, mate.

I wish you the best,
Dante

Hi Art!

Thanks for the input.
It seems, I messed up with the coma. $5,5 meant $5.50. I'll fix it right now.

I wish I could charge only once, but PayPal doesn't seem to allow that. The type of this button is subscription with trial. And subscription, by definition, should last more than one payment cycle.

As for the something for nothing... I did it intentionally because I really don't want people to risk anything. It's not just about the sale, it's more about the good will. If they don't like it, they don't pay. I think, that's fair. Also, it forces me to create such a product that people would be happy to reward me with the money, but not in "donate if you like" kind of way.
Anyway, we'll see how it goes. The jury is still out.