Sales copy critique request

Hi Dmitry

Without taking too much time to read through the whole thing, the main thing that sticks out for me is a headline that does not work.

It's not really clear enough, I mean I know about leveraging, lists, and so on and it still took me a few seconds just to figure out what it meant...and on the internet this is deadly.

You and I know what the benefits of this are, and many of your readers will too, but you cannot ask them to figure it out for themselves. You have literally a tiny fraction of a second to grab their attention (and this has been tested and proven) and your headline must state clear benefits. Yours is OK, better than most web pages, but there is a lot of room for improvement.

Try

"Give me a customer list of 50 and I'll give YOU the profit-pulling-power of a customer list of 100,000 guaranteed"

"How to get 100,000 hungry prospects without resorting to spamming"

"Makes finding JV partners easy"

Thanks Brian- I've been thinking about making the headline stronger and to-the-point... I'm just so much "into" the project that I've kind of forgot what the whole thing was about.

Thanks Dorothy!

The thing is this page is intended for people who already have an idea of what ListAlliance is about and have been (most likely) personally approached by me or some other member.

So I wanted to keep the "selling" down - eg. these are not biz-opp seekers but more serious business owners, so I believe they want the benefits and facts instead of hype.

So maybe in my attempt to keep it "professional" I've made it sound too complicated, boring and "dry".

I'll try to liven it up a bit by removing all the clutter, making it sound simpler, and emphasizing on the benefits.

Just uploaded a new version with some fixes... would you care to check it out?

2.) There's not a "story" here. Personally, I've been burned a few times by list-building tools (among other things). I think telling your story--and the how and why of the creation of ListAlliance--would go a long way towards building (or strengthening) a relationship with your readers. It would also provide some credibility and a sense of how this product could work for the prospect.

3.) As someone pointed out, testimonials are key. Especially if you can get very, very specific ones about you and the ListAlliance product and how it transformed someone's business. Hard numbers always help--i.e. , "My list went from 2,000 to 50,000 members almost overnight...and my profits went up 340%! by the end of the first week!" and so on.

Let me know if you have any other questions. I'm always happy to lend a hand with copy questions.

Paul

Something copywriter Bruce Wedding said on a forum has stuck in my mind lately - "Hype is a claim without proof".

I'm paraphrasing here, but if you can back up what you say, then be as outlandish and fantastic as possible.

It's good for your bottom line.

-Dan

- easy JV's is a very IM kind of term so hopefully this is going to only internet marketers beacuse JV in the headline could take many menas just like IM. If this was a different board I would say intenet marketer because it also stands for instan messange.

overall I have to go through to much work to read and understand what your doing. it's no obvious, it shows claim after claim. Then I have to spend time clicking and scrolling around FAQ's. It's not convicing me at all.

You might want to make a wall of testimonials that take up right side of the page so as I read all I see on the side is a flood of testimonials. That might provide more confidence instead of having a page that takes me away from the sales letter. Like I said, you make me work to go through it as it is.

I looked at the "new" version of your sales page. Here are a few tips:

1) Your headline -- Advertise Your Product to 100,000's Hot-Hungry Leads -- is grammatically incorrect and awkward to read.

Instead, say something like...

Advertise Your Product to Over 100,000 Hot, Hungry Leads.

Notice that "Hot" and "Hungry" should be separated by a comma, not a hyphen. In a headline, the period is optional, but I think it adds something in this case. You can omit it, but -- whatever you do -- don't replace it with an exclamation point. They are massively over-used in copy. (More on that below...)

2) I don't like the left-justified column (of text). With the type of header design your page uses, I would make it centered. Of course, that's a subjective point.

I also don't like the dotted-lines in the header graphic. Again, subjective.

Finally, I don't like that the header graphic doesn't span the entire width of the page (there's a gap at the right edge). It looks like a simple html problem, but detracts from the otherwise clean look.

3) There's a button at the bottom of the page that says something about a tutorial -- but there isn't one. Confuse them and you'll lose them.

4) I would go through the entire page and simplify the copy, as Dot astutely pointed out.

5) Stop yelling! You're using too many exclamation points! If you were speaking to someone face to face, would you scream at them?! At the start of your copy, you're trying to convince them that your offer isn't about hype, while at the same time using the one symbol that is most identified with hype! Yes! It's the exclamation point! (See how annoying that last paragraph was to read?)

6) I don't like the "Click here to join for free" link-text that follows the headline (to the right). It's distracting. At that point, you want all attention on your headline. It's too early to ask them to sign up. (Sign up for free for what? They don't really know yet, do they?)

I would say your copy (the new version) is still in the draft stage. Keep working it.

Regards,

Johnny