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Critique my sales email please

by SteveLondon
22 replies
Hi all, I'm a long-time lurker, first-time poster. Currently a freelance journalist and now moving into blogging and hopefully more marketing-oriented areas.

Direct mail is an area I'm keen on exploring, and I've been reading up on all things Drayton Bird and Bob Bly.

But I guess there comes a time when practice overtakes theory... so below is my first attempt at a mailshot, for an imaginary outsourcing company, based in the UK.

I'd really appreciate some expert feedback, constructive or destructive, if any of you have the time?

Thanks

Steve

Subject: Does your sales and marketing need a boost?

Hi <name>

Imagine if you could put all your energy into developing your business and increasing profits, focusing on what you do best -- and being able to tap into specialised support when you need it.

Selling and marketing is hard when you're the owner... I've been there, and I know sometimes you need tailored, professional backup. That's why I'm writing to you, to offer the support of my team of sales and marketing experts, who have the knowledge, experience and contacts to support you to succeed.

What makes them expert?
  • UK-based, with local knowledge, local contacts, and a comprehensive understanding of local markets.
  • Available on weekends and from 6am-10pm every day.
  • Each expert has 5-10 years' sales and marketing experience. You can employ them as consultants, contract them for a specific project, or on a trial basis to see how they fit in.
  • People that are ready to work from day 1, accustomed to using their initiative and quickly getting to know and understand products and markets.

Want to know more? Visit our website: <url> or call me on 1234 and we can discuss what you may need.

Whether it's finding customers, planning and executing strategies,preparing and delivering presentations, organising events, or generally getting results, I have candidates ready and available. You can interview a selection or hire immediately.

This way you instantly:
  • Gain qualified, experienced employees.
  • Save time on lengthy recruitment processes.
  • Get a fresh pair of eyes to help you look at challenges in a different or more objective way.
  • Flexible contracts tailored to your aims and situation.

And there's more...

We're giving a 10% discount to new customers until the end of May. Why?

The economy is recovering, and, having operated through recessions before, our experience tells us businesses which act now will be the ones that achieve and sustain future growth.

Want to know more? Visit our website: <url> or call me on 1234 and we can discuss what you may need.

You may be thinking, "Who are you and why should I trust you", so here's what some of our clients are saying about us:

<testimonials>

We rely on our established and carefully cultivated network of sales and marketing contacts to benefit our clients for the long-term. It doesn't make sense for us to jeopardise this for a quick sale and the risk of damaging your brand. That's how we build solid relationships, based on integrity, professionalism and mutual benefits.

Visit our website to see how we have helped others... then call us.

To some clients, we're an outsourcing company, to others we're a reserve team, available when necessary; to others, we're a consultancy, providing expert insight and strategic advice. You decide what's best for your business.

Steve

PS Our 10% discount is valid until the end of May.
#critique #email #sales
  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Not a bad start. Definitely not horrible, just a bit overdone and leaning toward snooze-a-palooza.

    The foundation is there, but you're probably going to need a ground-up rewrite.

    You've got to get a better, more compelling subject line. Something that makes them think, "yes! I need to click". Everyone and their mom is promising help in boosting sales. How will you be different? What are your special strengths?

    But you've got to be careful - if you focus on yourself up-front, you've lost your audience.

    Bring that second section where you're talking about finding customers and how you can help your clients up to the top and lead in with that. Once reordered, get through there and tighten and strengthen.

    This isn't just helping someone increase business. You're helping them put food on the table. Get more done with less work. Enjoy more free time. Tap into that stress/desire that every business owner and freelancer knows.

    Tighten your offering with something irresistible about your team. For instance, this is pretty much fluff:

    People that are ready to work from day 1, accustomed to using their initiative and quickly getting to know and understand products and markets.

    What does that MEAN?

    Do you want someone who is ready to work from day 1 (which I kind of expect from anyone I'm PAYING), or do you want someone who knows which questions to ask to make sure the project gets done the right way? This is off the top of my head and a bit rushed, but I know if you think about it you can get to the HOW of how your team helps, followed by the WHY of how they're qualified to provide that help.

    Personally, 10% doesn't motivate me to call. And I'm not really even the coupon clipper kind. If you want to pull them in on discount, it better be a damn good offer.

    I'd advise against the discount personally, because it can trigger people to wonder why your prices are so high unless you reframe it a little better.

    And keep in mind - email = short attention spans + scanning. Tighten, tighten, tighten. People aren't going to read something long unless they find it entertaining or beneficial.

    That's all I've got time for, but I'm sure others will chime in.

    Kudos for having the balls to throw it on out there. Some of it may be painful, but every little bit helps you get stronger.
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    • Profile picture of the author SteveLondon
      Thank you! All that feedback is great. The "tap into their desire" seems to be the element that I think I would struggle with. I need to reread my Cialdini book...

      The "don't focus on yourself upfront" point is interesting as I thought I would need to show my credentials first, an "allow me to introduce myself" part?

      And food for thought on the discount as well... thanks again, I really appreciate it.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    This has no redeeming features at all. None. Total turkey.
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    My name is Angie. I'm a copywriter and I specialize in X, Y, Z. I attended BSU and got my Master's in BS. I've won eleventy billion awards and all kinds of people think my shit doesn't stink.

    You want my help, or not?





    ....point being, if I don't know who you are (i.e. if you're not Metallica writing me a personal letter), I don't really care about you unless I know how you can help me. You're just another person trying to get me to part with my money.
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  • Profile picture of the author jjosephs
    Ah, I used to be a journalist. Critical difference here- big stuffy intellectual words score you you no points in this field.

    This reads like a faceless tech support manual. Manuals are good for one thing... Making you feel dumber than the author.

    To illustrate, I'll put on my reader with ADD hat:

    "Put all your energy into..." No thanks! Too hard.

    "That's why I'm writing to you," You're not writing to me. You're a liar and a robot.

    to offer the support of my team of sales and marketing experts, who have the knowledge, experience and contacts to support you to succeed." Are they robots too by chance? They don't sound very human.

    And now a brief list sales-repellent phrases. Kill them and burn the remains:

    * What makes them expert?

    * Our experience tells us businesses which act now will be the ones that achieve and sustain future growth

    * Get a fresh pair of eyes to help you look at challenges in a different or more objective way.

    * Whether it’s finding customers, planning and executing strategies,preparing and delivering presentations, organising events, or generally getting results, I have candidates ready and available. You can interview a selection or hire immediately.

    * We rely on our established and carefully cultivated network of sales and marketing contacts to benefit our clients for the long-term
    Signature
    Marketing for ACTION & REACTION.
    Roll Out "The Cannon"
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    Originally Posted by SteveLondon View Post

    Subject: Does your sales and marketing need a boost?
    You just lost everyone straight away. It's a stupid question that gets you put in the bin.

    You have to demonstrate you know what the company you're reaching out to REALLY wants. This kind of abstract garbage screams, "We want your money! We're broke! We don't know what we're doing!"

    Originally Posted by SteveLondon View Post

    Imagine if you could put all your energy into developing your business and increasing profits, focusing on what you do best -- and being able to tap into specialised support when you need it.
    Again, vague... non-specfic... cliche. If you're going to ask your prospects to "imagine something," you've got to paint a specific picture. Otherwise, it just makes their head hurt and want to get your pitiful marketing out of sight ASAP.

    Originally Posted by SteveLondon View Post

    Selling and marketing is hard when you're the owner...
    Nope. Presumptuous. Irrelevant. Not an objection you want to tackle. You don't know your avatar.

    Originally Posted by SteveLondon View Post

    I've been there, and I know sometimes you need tailored, professional backup.
    Really? Give me an example. And it better be EXACTLY what I'm going through. Zero room for guessing even slightly wrong.

    Originally Posted by SteveLondon View Post

    • UK-based, with local knowledge, local contacts, and a comprehensive understanding of local markets.
    • Available on weekends and from 6am-10pm every day.
    • Each expert has 5-10 years' sales and marketing experience. You can employ them as consultants, contract them for a specific project, or on a trial basis to see how they fit in.
    • People that are ready to work from day 1, accustomed to using their initiative and quickly getting to know and understand products and markets.
    What the hell are you even offering me? What do these abstract bullets mean... to me? Nothing. NEXT!

    Originally Posted by SteveLondon View Post

    Want to know more?
    Their answer? Nope. 'Cause they didn't even get this far.

    Originally Posted by SteveLondon View Post

    Whether it's finding customers, planning and executing strategies,preparing and delivering presentations, organising events, or generally getting results, I have candidates ready and available. You can interview a selection or hire immediately.
    What type of marketing?

    Is this letter supposed to be an example of what you can do for me? If so, you have no business... getting anywhere near my business.

    Originally Posted by SteveLondon View Post

    This way you instantly:
    • Gain qualified, experienced employees.
    • Save time on lengthy recruitment processes.
    • Get a fresh pair of eyes to help you look at challenges in a different or more objective way.
    • Flexible contracts tailored to your aims and situation.
    You're still not saying anything. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Zilch.

    And there's more...

    Originally Posted by SteveLondon View Post

    We're giving a 10% discount to new customers until the end of May. Why?
    10% off of what?

    You're offering vague, broad services that give me no idea about what you can specifically do for my company... or a produce massive ROI.

    Originally Posted by SteveLondon View Post

    The economy is recovering, and, having operated through recessions before, our experience tells us businesses which act now will be the ones that achieve and sustain future growth.
    You mean by providing clear solutions to a hungry niche?

    Yes?

    Then show me you can do that in your own copy, first.

    Originally Posted by SteveLondon View Post

    To some clients, we're an outsourcing company, to others we're a reserve team, available when necessary; to others, we're a consultancy, providing expert insight and strategic advice. You decide what's best for your business.
    Which is it?

    Expert insight and strategic advice?

    Or do I decide?

    Mark
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    • Profile picture of the author SteveLondon
      Thanks for the advice, really appreciate it!

      I've redone the email (just once more, I won't keep rewriting it and expecting guidance every time) so I wondered what you thought of this approach?

      Subject: Want more profits, expertise and time?

      Hi <name>

      I'd like to offer you instant access to a pool of experienced, effective and flexible UK sales and marketing experts -- on your terms and based on what you need, whether it's more sales, a brand new marketing strategy, support with pitches or presentations, or something else.

      Each expert has a minimum of five years' sales and marketing experience, with specialisms in various sectors, from retail to banking to IT to public.

      Are the experts any good? I've checked their references, and verified all the successful campaigns, increased sales, increased brand awareness, and all the other successes they've told me about. Don't take my word for it -- check out the testimonials on my website: <url>

      How does it work?

      We're a UK outsourcing company, specialising in supplying sales and marketing professionals. You let me know what you need and I supply a selection of candidates for you to choose from. Along with:

      Convenience - you decide how long to contract them for. If a project succeeds early, or you want to end a contract, you can do that with a week's notice.

      Insight - experts are UK-based, giving you an instant advantage over competitors using overseas outsourcing companies with little local knowledge.

      Speed - I only use candidates that have proved they can quickly get to grips with your project, understand your aims and objectives, and easily assimilate with your existing team

      Results - all my experts HAVE to demonstrate previous successes in sales and marketing. I'm talking proper successes, with measurable outcomes, and actual figures showing where and how they've made a difference. I'll give you these details, along with a contact number for the client if you want to verify them, when you are choosing your candidate.

      What's the catch? You will need to spend a little time to brief them, but that's all. If you're not happy in any way with the expert I've sent, let me know and I'll supply you with another selection on the same day, all ready to start work within 48 hours.

      To see what others are saying about my team of experts, and to find out more about the ways we can help you, please visit our website: <url>

      Or feel free to give me a call on 1234.

      Thanks for reading; I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

      Best,

      Steve
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      • Profile picture of the author jjosephs
        Steve, with all due respect, it's a sinker. It reeks from the bottom up with the sterilized corporate feel that creates distance and distrust. Sales needs to eliminate distance.

        If this was the "about us" of an IT website then whatever, but this is meant to make paper. Copywriting is so far removed from the corporate-speak you're used to writing, you don't even know what to do with the feedback.

        Let it go and give it to a copywriter.
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        Marketing for ACTION & REACTION.
        Roll Out "The Cannon"
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        • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
          Originally Posted by jjosephs View Post

          If this was the "about us" of an IT website then whatever, but this is meant to make paper. Copywriting is so far removed from the corporate-speak you're used to writing, you don't even know what to do with the feedback.
          If you mean void of any emotion... and convoluted sentences that say a lot - without saying a damn thing...

          Then YES!

          Mark
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      • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
        Originally Posted by SteveLondon View Post

        Thanks for the advice, really appreciate it!

        I've redone the email (just once more, I won’t keep rewriting it and expecting guidance every time) so I wondered what you thought of this approach?

        Subject: Want more profits, expertise and time?

        Hi <name>

        I’d like to offer you instant access to a pool of experienced, effective and flexible UK sales and marketing experts — on your terms and based on what you need, whether it’s more sales, a brand new marketing strategy, support with pitches or presentations, or something else.

        Each expert has a minimum of five years’ sales and marketing experience, with specialisms in various sectors, from retail to banking to IT to public.

        Are the experts any good? I've checked their references, and verified all the successful campaigns, increased sales, increased brand awareness, and all the other successes they've told me about. Don’t take my word for it — check out the testimonials on my website: <url>

        How does it work?

        We’re a UK outsourcing company, specialising in supplying sales and marketing professionals. You let me know what you need and I supply a selection of candidates for you to choose from. Along with:

        Convenience - you decide how long to contract them for. If a project succeeds early, or you want to end a contract, you can do that with a week’s notice.

        Insight - experts are UK-based, giving you an instant advantage over competitors using overseas outsourcing companies with little local knowledge.

        Speed – I only use candidates that have proved they can quickly get to grips with your project, understand your aims and objectives, and easily assimilate with your existing team

        Results – all my experts HAVE to demonstrate previous successes in sales and marketing. I’m talking proper successes, with measurable outcomes, and actual figures showing where and how they've made a difference. I’ll give you these details, along with a contact number for the client if you want to verify them, when you are choosing your candidate.

        What’s the catch? You will need to spend a little time to brief them, but that’s all. If you’re not happy in any way with the expert I've sent, let me know and I’ll supply you with another selection on the same day, all ready to start work within 48 hours.

        To see what others are saying about my team of experts, and to find out more about the ways we can help you, please visit our website: <url>

        Or feel free to give me a call on 1234.

        Thanks for reading; I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

        Best,

        Steve
        Hi Steve,

        Welcome to Warriorforum

        I can see you're making an effort to take our advice. That's more than 90% of the "please critique my copy" people do on here, so good for you.

        Here's what you're missing though...

        If You Can Get Someone to Dream, You Can Get them to Buy

        You're working too hard to persuade your reader, and it’s because you haven’t made them WANT to believe you yet. That's your FIRST job. If someone wants to believe something bad enough, they’ll completely abandon rational thinking and look for any and every piece of information they can find to support that belief.

        And the more they want to believe you, the less you have to work to make it believable.

        I realize there’s some high potential for abuse on this point ^, but it’s true...and I don't care how sophisticated you think your prospect is either.

        EVERYONE is more inclined to believe your REASONS if you can create the desire.

        Case in point, "normal" people spend BILLIONS on “eat all you want and still lose weight,” products and “simple, push button money making system” products on CLickbank, in the backs of magazines and on late nigh infomercials.

        Ever wonder where are all the people who buy that stuff? They’re not sitting around on clouds eating grapes and listening to harp music on a forgotten island, far away from normal society. They’re behind desks, working jobs that require a high level of intelligence and rational thinking. Some of them have spouses and kids and normal lives in the real world. Yet, many of them are buried in debt because they buy stuff for EMOTIONAL reasons.

        That’s why the weight loss sales pages that promise gain without pain outsell the "rational" pages.

        Your first job isn’t to sell the product. Your first job is to get them to dream, to imagine the end result they want OR the negative experience which they want to escape...or both.

        If you can make this inner experience more profound and more clear and loud than the insecurities and the obstacles on the outside, the sale is practically in the bag. Then, you can pile on your reasons so they can give themselves permission to take action.

        Dan Kennedy's book "Making Them Believe" has more on this, but there's enough on this thread to get you thinking in that direction.
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        • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
          Originally Posted by sethczerepak View Post

          If You Can Get Someone to Dream, You Can Get them to Buy
          First off...

          Seth, there's a WSO in your post. I'm not sure if people quite understand how frickin' brilliant the stuff you just said is. (And what it implies when a copywriter sits down to join a conversation already happening in their prospect's minds.)

          Anyway...

          Steve,

          I mirror what Seth said - in terms of trying to apply the feedback. It's rare 'round these here parts.

          Here's my thinking...

          You get to decide the conversation that takes place in your letter (or how you enter the conversation you want to lead.)

          You're not doing that.

          You're playing into marketing/advertising cliches and sterotypes.

          If you want to trigger REAL emotion, you have to intimately describe the circumstances your avatar is experiencing. You're so far away from doing that.

          I'm going to be totally blunt...

          There's nothing that gives me the impression you could help me make money... or that you actually know what you're doing.

          I don't see you demonstrating expertise as a copywriter OR a marketer.

          It might be there. Maybe you're a great marketer. I don't know. Because your copywriting skills are horrible. (That's not a personal jab at you. Just reality.)

          My advice?

          Get yourself interviewed by a copywriter and have him or her give you genuine feedback on your ability and offer.

          Your ability to actually help companies make more money needs to be clear. It isn't right now.

          But it's going to take you years to reach the point you're trying to start at.

          Mark
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          • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
            Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti View Post

            First off...

            Seth, there's a WSO in your post. I'm not sure if people quite understand how frickin' brilliant the stuff you just said is. (And what it implies when a copywriter sits down to join a conversation already happening in their prospect's minds.)
            Funny that you'd mention that, it's already created as an upsell to my copywriting course.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ba1cL-IFSnI

            No WSO yet, but you've got me thinking now.
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            • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
              Originally Posted by sethczerepak View Post

              Funny that you'd mention that, it's already created as an upsell to my copywriting course.

              https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ba1cL-IFSnI

              No WSO yet, but you've got me thinking now.
              Just watched the whole thing.

              Interesting stuff. How's it converting?

              A couple things...

              1) Why not blindly demonstrate the technique from second one?

              2) I personally wouldn't use the music. I found it difficult to focus on your voice.

              Mark
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              • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
                Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti View Post

                Just watched the whole thing.

                Interesting stuff. How's it converting?

                A couple things...

                1) Why not blindly demonstrate the technique from second one?

                2) I personally wouldn't use the music. I found it difficult to focus on your voice.

                Mark
                One of out three on average.

                Haven't tested it without the music, I'll try it.

                Just curious...how would you pull off 1)?
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                • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
                  Originally Posted by sethczerepak View Post

                  One of out three on average.

                  Haven't tested it without the music, I'll try it.

                  Just curious...how would you pull off 1)?
                  Instead of using the "turn off" all your distractions bit, I'd think about how to epitomize the execution of your secret.

                  I feel like you get to really define what "the desire to believe" means and sounds/looks like.

                  I really like how you address the standard stuff copywriters aspire to connect with (i.e. benefits over features, joining the conversation, etc.)

                  ...but I feel like you're missing the opportunity to show prospects the actually execution of The Desire to Believe, then pointing out how you used it when you introduce the secret.

                  I know it naturally comes across.

                  Again though...

                  You get to define the technique.

                  You opened a loop in the beginning, right?

                  I know what an open loop is.

                  It would be cool if I knew what the D2B technique looked like in execution (not muddled in with a bunch of other approaches.)

                  Just my take.

                  So much potential.

                  And maybe this is fine as an OTO. Just my feedback.

                  Mark
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                  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
                    Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti View Post

                    Instead of using the "turn off" all your distractions bit, I'd think about how to epitomize the execution of your secret.

                    I feel like you get to really define what "the desire to believe" means and sounds/looks like.
                    Mark, you must be speaking on behalf of the universe because I was just thinking about this on my jog yesterday. Honestly, I think the damn thing is underpriced for what it offers. It could probably use an overhaul.

                    I've been reading how faith operates in the brain and body and thinking of some new ways to describe it. It's tricky, because we're talking less about a specific technique and more about creating an emotional state.

                    You know how you drink one or two beers, and suddenly you fee like:

                    1) You're 10 feet tall and bullet proof.
                    2) The future is full of hope
                    3) Everything is going to be okay.

                    You have the courage to do things you'd never do sober. It's as if every fear and insecurity vanished like a stain of glass on a mirror. It's like when you hit the WSO section, start reading something interesting, all the time telling yourself "It's okay, I won't buy..." 3 minutes later you're clicking the buy button thinking "how did that happen?"

                    Same thing happens when you sit down at 8pm to talk with an old friend who you haven't seen in years. The conversation gets rich and before you know it, it's 3am. Hours have gone by without you even noticing. It's a euphoric feeling created by releases of dopamine and seratonin, starts in the Insular Cortex and spreads through the body.

                    My original version was a screencast of me demonstrating the techniques and showing them examples. One bloody sale out of dozens of views...so I decided to cut out the examples and use the technique itself in the video. I suspect it's because seeing the techniques, it's too damn easy to assume "Oh, I know this already, I don't need this..."

                    But the techniques are only the tip of the iceberg. The truth is, it's DAMN hard to describe D2B without sounding like one of those cats in "The Secret." It has very little to do with your writing skills and more to do with your state of awareness (<-- See? lol). Anyway, I've got some new things to think about this weekend.

                    Maybe I'll post the WSO copy here and see what kind of beatings I take.
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        • Profile picture of the author splitTest
          Originally Posted by sethczerepak View Post

          .

          If You Can Get Someone to Dream, You Can Get them to Buy

          You're working too hard to persuade your reader, and it's because you haven't made them WANT to believe you yet. That's your FIRST job. If someone wants to believe something bad enough, they'll completely abandon rational thinking and look for any and every piece of information they can find to support that belief.

          And the more they want to believe you, the less you have to work to make it believable.
          My spidey sense tells me this is some valuable sh*t.

          Thanks for the insight!
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  • Profile picture of the author jimbo13
    Originally Posted by SteveLondon View Post

    So below is my first attempt at a mailshot, for an imaginary outsourcing company, based in the UK.
    I'm sure you won't be getting someone to interview you for obvious reasons.

    Your letter has no feeling for the same reason.

    Your letter would be 10x better at least if it was really your company and had been going for a few months.

    You would have adapted your business model, bagged a few clients and had some feedback.

    You would know why you set it up, what you did to get where it is, know who is buying from you, for what reasons and what benefits were derived.

    So you would write a letter based on reality.

    Then it can be critiqued.

    Write about something real even if it is not a company as I guess you do not want to start one.

    Pretend this is your school homework circa 1980.

    Write a letter to local businesses explaining the benefits of having a fax machine and what to do to get further information.

    One sheet of A4 to be handed in next Wednesday or it is double detention!

    That is the typical sort of thing one had to do at school back then.

    Then get that critiqued into how to make it persuasive enough to get response.

    I bet your letter, and those of 7 million school kids, would be a lot more interesting than your example don't you?

    Dan

    PS: Change fax machine for anything else you like that you own in your house and use frequently.
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  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    Steve,

    One way to see what works is to learn from other great emailers.

    For me, Matt Furey, Ben Settle, and Frank Kern have easy going, conversational-style
    emails that also do a great job of info-taining and selling.

    I'd get on their lists and see how the pros use email... right now yours is WAY
    too boring and dry for anyone to get past the first line or two.
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    MILLION Dollar Copywriter Offering Written Sales Letter or VSL Script Worth $5,000 - Just $500!
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  • Profile picture of the author splitTest
    SteveLondon, imho you're not a bad writer -- it's just that you think copywriting is something other than it actually is (SELLING). It's less about "sounding" great than giving tight fists impetus to hand over their cash.

    You might want to write your letter to a single person rather than an audience -- and a skeptical person at that. What would you say to an individual? What would their objections be? What would they say back? What problems do you guarantee to solve for them?

    You're also missing crucial details, like who are these experts you speak of? If they're experts, what are their names and credentials? You say you've vetted them, but who are you? etc. etc.

    I think you need to be more granular, focusing the extra detail on sales principles like overcoming objections, social proof, making your reader identify with you, etc.

    You might also want to strengthen your offer... Guarantee? Freebie? Something to get them to bite right now?

    ...There's my 2 cents. Thanks for posting the letter though, you're helping us all learn from heavyweights here.
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    • Profile picture of the author SteveLondon
      Thanks again for all the feedback, it has really got my brain working overtime (and my hard drive filling up with copywriting-related pdfs).

      This thread has made me understand that one (of many) things I must work on is shaking off the British "stiff upper lip" culture that is splattered all over my copy!

      Once I've done that I'll move onto the many other things you've pointed out...

      Much appreciated
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