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Bad Jokes

by KimW
29 replies
  • OFF TOPIC
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I was cleaning up some old files today and ran across a text file named bad jokes.
I don't have a clue where I got it from,but if you read below you will see it was aptly named.
Enjoy!
One Liners....
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    I do not have a sophisticated sense of humor, I guess - I was laughing out loud at some of those.
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  • Profile picture of the author solardave
    Some of them are not that bad!
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  • Profile picture of the author Patrician
    yeh i guess 'bad' meant 'good' just like it does today --

    i thought they were almost all funny.


    thanks kim -
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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    LMAO - I needed that. Got page two handy?
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    Sal
    When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
    Beyond the Path

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    • Profile picture of the author Steven Wagenheim
      Well, at least one person here recognizes bad humor when he reads it.

      That is 2 minutes of my life I am never getting back.
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      • Profile picture of the author Tina Golden
        Well, Steve, whose fault is it when you read a thread that is clearly marked as bad jokes?

        They were definitely groaners but I'll be repeating a few

        Tina
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      • Profile picture of the author MikeAmbrosio
        Originally Posted by Steven Wagenheim View Post

        Well, at least one person here recognizes bad humor when he reads it.

        That is 2 minutes of my life I am never getting back.
        Don't feel bad Steven. I am sure you have written many a posts that a reader might say the same thing after reading it.



        (That was my "bad joke" contribution)
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        • Profile picture of the author Steven Wagenheim
          Originally Posted by MikeAmbrosio View Post

          Don't feel bad Steven. I am sure you have written many a posts that a reader might say the same thing after reading it.
          Yuh think? LMAO.

          And I wish this forum would stop rearranging the emoticons. They're
          never where I last left them.
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          • Profile picture of the author Oleg Cherkasky
            You want a bad joke? here's one about Hugh Hefner.

            "Hugh Hefner Is so OLD that he invented a new sexual position called a 96.
            Its where you turn around and FART on the back of each others head." - Gilbert Gottfried
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            • Profile picture of the author Oleg Cherkasky
              "An armless, legless girl is lying by the beach crying.
              A man passing by stops and asks her why shes crying.
              She says 'My whole life I have never been kissed', so the man gets down on his knees, kisses her than gets up and starts walking away.
              Now the girl is crying twice as hard, the man asks 'why are you crying now?'.
              The girl says 'my whole life I have never been f***ed'.
              So the man picks her up, tosses her into the sea and says You're f***ed now!'" - Gilbert Gottfried
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              • Profile picture of the author Oleg Cherkasky
                I'm with my girlfriend in a car, she says "kiss me where it smells".
                So I drove her to New Jersey.
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                • Profile picture of the author glchandler
                  You want a bad joke? here's one about Hugh Hefner.

                  "Hugh Hefner Is so OLD that he invented a new sexual position called a 96.
                  Its where you turn around and FART on the back of each others head." - Gilbert Gottfried


                  "An armless, legless girl is lying by the beach crying.
                  A man passing by stops and asks her why shes crying.
                  She says 'My whole life I have never been kissed', so the man gets down on his knees, kisses her than gets up and starts walking away.
                  Now the girl is crying twice as hard, the man asks 'why are you crying now?'.
                  The girl says 'my whole life I have never been f***ed'.
                  So the man picks her up, tosses her into the sea and says You're f***ed now!'" - Gilbert Gottfried


                  I'm with my girlfriend in a car, she says "kiss me where it smells".
                  So I drove her to New Jersey.
                  These easily fall into the "bad" category----however that category is BAD TASTE! ----definitely synonymous with POOR TASTE.

                  My vote would be to take them elsewhere.
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  • Profile picture of the author CurtisN
    What's brown and sticky?

    A stick.
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    Curtis Ng (blog) - Product Launch Manager
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  • Profile picture of the author Gale10
    My husband says I am easily pleased but I do love bad jokes. Especially a play on words. This is one of my favourites:

    A man knocks on the door and says "can I come in and talk to you about your carpets?"
    I thought to myself - Oh no, its Je-hoov-ahs Witnesses!

    See, I am laughing right now!

    Ruth
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  • Profile picture of the author Rezbi
    A gorgeous woman gets into the elevator and sees Donald Trump. She squeals, "Donald Trump. Oh, I'm your biggest fan! Can I give you a BJ?"

    Donald Trump goes, "What's in it for me?"
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  • Profile picture of the author Jagged
    A guy runs into a phsyciatrists office ....yelling...I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee....the Dr. says......calm down, calm down.....your just "too tense" (two tents)

    **I was very drunk at the time I heard this....I laughed for an hour.....why I don't know...
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  • Profile picture of the author Lawrh
    Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?


    In case he got a hole in one.
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    “Strategy without action is a day-dream; action without strategy is a nightmare.” – Old Japanese proverb -

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  • Profile picture of the author CDarklock
    A little boy and a clown are walking through the woods.

    The little boy says, "I'm scared."

    The clown says "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
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    "The Golden Town is the Golden Town no longer. They have sold their pillars for brass and their temples for money, they have made coins out of their golden doors. It is become a dark town full of trouble, there is no ease in its streets, beauty has left it and the old songs are gone." - Lord Dunsany, The Messengers
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    • Profile picture of the author MarkAndrews IMCopywriting
      [DELETED]
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      • Profile picture of the author Oleg Cherkasky
        Two flies are sitting on a piece of sh*t, one fly farts, the other goes "Hey I'm eating here!".
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    • Profile picture of the author CurtisN
      Where do you get virgin olive oil from?

      Ugly olives.

      Damn...just noticed that the op already has one like this
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      Curtis Ng (blog) - Product Launch Manager
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    • Profile picture of the author CurtisN
      What do you call a bee that produces milk?

      Boobee
      Signature
      Curtis Ng (blog) - Product Launch Manager
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  • Profile picture of the author Sumit Menon
    This is lame but I couldn't stop laughing the first time I read it on FB:

    "And Then God Created Saturn... He Liked It. So, He Put A Ring On It."
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  • Profile picture of the author Sumit Menon
    Goldfish #1: Do You Believe In God?
    Goldfish #2: Of Course I Do! Who Do You Think Changes The Water In The Bowl?
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  • Profile picture of the author CDarklock
    A man walks into a country bar and orders a bowl of cow manure.

    The bartender scratches his head, but sends one of the busboys out into the nearby pasture to get some cow manure. He delivers this to the customer, who happily grabs a spoon and eats it, then asks for more. So he sends the busboy out again.

    Midway through his second bowl of cow manure, the man gets a horrified look on his face and vomits all over the floor.

    Wondering what could possibly make a man who eats cow manure physically sick, the bartender says "What's wrong?"

    And the man says "There was a hair in it!"
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    "The Golden Town is the Golden Town no longer. They have sold their pillars for brass and their temples for money, they have made coins out of their golden doors. It is become a dark town full of trouble, there is no ease in its streets, beauty has left it and the old songs are gone." - Lord Dunsany, The Messengers
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  • Profile picture of the author noodle2005
    When is a car like a frog?
    When it's being toad

    What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
    Cliff

    What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?
    Bob

    All utter rubbish
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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    From another old book - 101 sick jokes for every occasion.

    "Mommy Mommy - I hate my sister's guts"
    "Shut up and eat what you are served"

    "Mrs. Fletcher - Can Bobby come out and play baseball with us?"
    "Why that's so mean. You know Bobby has no arms and legs"
    "Yeah we know - but we need a second base"

    "Mommy Mommy - can I play with Grandma?"
    "You dig her up one more time.........."
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    Sal
    When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
    Beyond the Path

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    • Profile picture of the author serrac
      Mummy Mummy, Can I lick the bowl clean?

      No, you'll just pull the chain like everyone else...
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  • Profile picture of the author Gvargas
    wow i remember those kinds of books with silly jokes in them lol
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  • Profile picture of the author Rezbi
    I found this lying around:

    A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

    After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

    Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "****, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
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