The Joke Thread

Thanks you for the post.
Hi guys, Im a newbie. Nice to join this forum.

An angry mother takes her son to see the doctor and asked, "Can a 9 year old boy perform an appendectomy?"
"Of course not", the doctor retorts impatiently.
The mother turns to the boy and says "See, what did I tell you? Now you go put that back!"

Since winter is on the way, here's "Diary of a Snow Shoveler". It's long, but worth it if you visualize it while reading. Enjoy!


Just to brighten up your day, in case it is raining.



Diary of a Snow Shoveler...


December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma
Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came
along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a
white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have
so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never
want to see snow again.
l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our
neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped
to-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,
but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I
didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
Which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I
hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own
living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches
of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again.
I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck
for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole
is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she
nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did
but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6." Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch
who drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner
and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at
a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight
the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our
presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate
the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit
him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I
think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life"
one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was
all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came
after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me 1,400 to replace all
my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, he is now
suing me for a million dollars not only for the beating I gave him, but also
for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home
to her mother.
9" predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Q: What grosses millions of dollars every Sunday this fall, yet has consistently delivered horrible content?

A: The 2010 NFL Season.

Aw snap, I totally went there. Did anyone watch the Bears vs. Redskins game? It was terrible.

A man sitting in a bar and weeping....
Bar Tender: Why are you weeping?
Man: I am drinking......to forget a girl, but i forgot her name.

I would tell some jokes, but i guarantee they would offend everyone in the WF and likely get me lynched lol

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

Hahaha awesome jokes!

Only in America.. do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke.

Ha ha!! it is funny enough to make me laugh.

i like this thread because this thread give chance to laugh.
very good and funny jokes present here.
thanks for posting jokes here...

nice ! Thanks !

If your urine is sweet, you're diabetic...

If your urine is sour, you're acidic...

However if you taste it, you're a lunatic.

Why do coyotes howl?

Square turds.

Talk about self image:

A little boy was talking to himself as he walk through his backyard, while wearing his baseball cap and holding a ball and bat. He shouted, "I'm the greatest baseball player in the world!". Then he tossed the ball into the air, swung and missed.

He then picked up the ball and tossed it the second time. He again shouted, "I'm the greatest baseball player in the world!", swung the bat again, and missed.

He paused for a second, grab the ball, and examined it carefully. Then he threw the ball the third time, and again he said, "I'm the greatest baseball player who have ever lived!". He swung the bat very hard....and he missed. That was the equivalent to three strikes and being out.

"Wow!", he shouted. "What a pitcher!"

A very succesful, high-flying marketer passed away and as his soul floated serenely into the afterlife, he wondered where he would end up, heaven or hell? Indeed, as soon as St Peter hove into view, he urged the venerable arbiter to clear it up quickly.

"For once in my life, let's cut to the bottom line, St Grandad. I won't try and sell if you don't try and spin. Hot or cold?"

"Oh, you're a marketer? Well, my son, as with all marketers, the choice is yours."

"No kidding?"

"No kidding, son. Let's take the tour. Where do you want to see first?"

"Since we're already here, let's take a look at paradise."

So through the Pearly Gates they went. It was exactly as one would expect.
"Hey, this is exceptionally serene. I was gonna put myself into a place like this. If it wasn't for the old ticker, you know?"

"It grows on you too," came back St Peter. "Just when you think you've heard the whole repertory of the Celestial Choir, an even more beautiful chorus comes along. You'll love it here."

"Whoah! You know, I think you're right but I wanna see this from every angle, OK. No disrespect, but a deal's a deal, right? Let's take it downstairs."

Off they went to Hell, and to his amazement he was led through a succession of bars and clubs, each better than the last, each more and more packed with people literally having a hell of a time. Music, drinks, amazing food, gorgeous women. The tour ended and they found themselves in front of the Pearly Gates once more. St Peter asked for the salesman's final decision.

"Hey, don't get me wrong, Heaven's great, I mean it. The thing is, your holiness, I think the other place is more me. I was never one for ascetic contemplation, for one thing. And anyway, that's what my life was like anyway, so I'm gonna with what I know, OK? Thanks, though."

So down he went to hell, where he was thrown into the fiery pits, flayed, burned, chained to the wall of a cave, taken down, pokers, pliers, the works.
"Hey! What about the parties? The wild lifestyle? Hedonism?"

"Oh, that?" said an attendant demon. "That was just something the boys from Marketing put together."

A man went to buy a parrot. The pet shop owner pointed out three identical parrots and said, "The parrot to the left costs £500 ."


"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.


The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."


The man asked about the next parrot.


"That one costs £1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the LINUX operating system."


Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.


"That one costs £2,000 ."


"And what does that one do?" the man asked.


The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Boss."

your mama's so old, her birth certificate says expired.

Hello Daryl. Yes, it's great to laugh and to make other people laugh. I love a good sense of humor. Here's 3 quickies.

Q-Did you hear about the guy who died drinking milk?
A-The cow fell on him!

Q-Did you hear about the guy who died raking leaves?
A-He fell out of the tree!

Q-Did you hear about the guy who broke his neck washing his face?
A-The toilet seat came down!

To Your Success,
Live-Love-Laugh
Brad Marcus

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Sherlock wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, open your eyes and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"And what does that tell you," Sherlock asked?

Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and likely trillions of planets. Philosophically, it reminds me of how small and insignificant we are. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. And, it seems to be about 3 AM. What does it tell you, Sherlock?"

"Watson, you idiot, it tells me someone has stolen our tent right out from over us."

"If human being turns to fish, what happen to fish?"

Fish will be more than now

Ok you've really got me going now

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You go up to her and say, "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?"
That's Direct Marketing.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You give your friend a buck. She goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?"
That's Advertising.

You go to a party and see an attractive girl across the room. You somehow get her mobile number. You call and chat her up a while and then say "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"
That's Tele-Marketing.

You go to a party and see an attractive girl across the room. You recognize her. You walk up to her, refresh her memory and get her to laugh and giggle and then suggest, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"
That's Customer Relationship Management.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You stand straight, you talk soft and smooth, you open the door for the ladies, you smile like a dream, you set an aura around you playing the Mr. Gentleman and then you move up to the girl and say, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"
That's Hard Selling.



You go to a party, you see an attractive girl across the room. SHE COMES OVER and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?"
Now THAT is the power of Branding.

The Optimist says, "The glass is half full."



The Pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."



The Marketing Consultant says, "Your glass needs re-sizing."

Ok i've saved the best one for last:

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked: "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story? In Marketing, if you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your ass good-bye.

I'm having a good laugh! Thanks to y'all!

I think i've gone and found the best joke ever:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”


The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

I once went out with two anorexics Two birds one stone

Ok, this might be dirty....

A young man was walking down a well worn path and he saw a sign that read, "if you could make my horse laugh I will give you $100". Curious as to why someone would want their horse to laugh, and especially why they would pay $100 for it, he decided to go try. He asked the old man with the horse why he wanted his horse to laugh, and explain that his horse had been sad because the only female horse he had left died. So the young man went up to the horse, whispered something in his ear, and the horse started whinnying with laughter. The old man was astounded, wondering what the young man had whispered in the horse's ear, but gave him the $100 and the young man left.

A couple of days went by and the young man was walking along the same path, and saw a different sign, "If you could make my horse cry, I will give you $100". Thinking how easy it was to make those first $100, he went back and talked to the old man. He asked why his horse needed to cry, and the old man answered, "well, ever since you came, my horse hasn't stopped laughing and I haven't been able to take it into town".
So without further ado, the young man went over to the horse and whispered something in his ear, and made a quick gesture to his pants. Suddenly the horse stopped laughing and started crying.
Astounded again, the old man decided this time he would get an answer as to how quickly this young man was able to change the mood of his horse. So he asked the young man first, "how did you make my horse laugh?"
"Simple," said the young man. "I told the horse that I had a bigger penis than him."
The old man thought about it for a second, and then proceeded to ask,
"how did you make my horse cry?"

The young man said, "I showed it to him."

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

I dialed a wrong number and got the following message on the Voice Mail: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

My son has this on his phone: "Hi, you reached H____'s phone, I'm either texting, too busy to answer or I'm just ignoring you."

Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and I'd hate to look like a fool!
7. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

There's more if you want?

I just got back from Russia and the city is insane. The transition from Communism to Capitalism gave some people an undeserved boost in their money. The families that benefited from this transition are called the "New Russians."

Two "New Russians" meet on the street.
One says to the other: "Nice Neck Tie."
The other one says: "Oh- you like it, I just got it and paid $500 dollars for it at the shop across the street."
The other responds: "You are so stupid! You could have bought it over here and paid two times the amount!"

Top internet maketing pick up lines.

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

Q : What do you get when a pervert becomes an accountant?

A : A bigger amount of fixed assets recorded.

I have no joke for you, just share

A priest and a nun were returning from the church convention when their car broke down. They had it towed to the local garage and faced the fact that they'd have to spend the night in a motel. There was only 1 motel in town and it only had 1 room available. So they had a problem.

'Sister ,' said the priest, 'I dont think the lord would mind, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this 1 room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the
bed,'

'I think that would be ok,' said the nun.

They prepared 4 bed and each 1 took took their agreed place. 10 minutes later the sister said, 'Father, I'm terribly cold,'

'Ok,' said the priest, 'I'll get up n get you a blanket from the closet,'

10 minutes later the nun said, 'Father I'm still terribly cold,'

'OK sister,' said the priest, ' I'll get up n get you another blanket,'

10 minutes later , the nun said, 'Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the lord would mind if we acted as man and wife for just this one night,'

' You're probably right,' said the priest , 'Get up and get your own damn blanket,'

***Oldie but goodie***

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a
parrot.




'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'





'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

A smart child A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Harry both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Harry replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Harry: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to color her hair so
she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.


After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,

"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.


Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

This is no joke, it's absolutely true:

There are three kinds of people in this world.
Those who know how to count, and those who don't.

Who's the 3rd?????????

I can't seem to think of any that aren't dirty, but this was one that was pretty good.


A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

Once there was a couple who were about to get married.

The guy went to his fiance's house to get the decorations for the wedding party done. While they were fixing balloons on the ceiling, the family found out that there was a lack of balloons, as well as tape to stick them up. Thus, the girl's parents together with the girl went out to purchase the needed materials.

That left the guy and his future sister-in-law alone at home. Just 5 minutes after they went off to get the materials, his soon-to-be sister-in-law started to strip. She took out her shirt, her skirt, and ultimately her underwear, revealing everything. Then she did a hooking action with her index finger as a sign to beckon the guy to follow her, and she strut off to her room.

The guy immediately walked out of the house and to his surprise, there stood his parents-in-law and his fiancee.

"Congratulations my son! You passed the test. I now give you my daughter's hand in marriage."

Whew, fortunately that happened before he could grab the condoms from his car.

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.

Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop.

My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other.

"Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

A 75 year old lady says to her husband, "You know what, I think I'll go to the doctor and get a checkup."

Her husband says, "Sure, thats a good idea dear."

So she makes an appointment to see Dr. Levine, a gynecologist, and explains that she has not had a checkup in 25 years.

Dr Levine tells her to get undressed and put on a gown so he can check everything out.

The Doctor puts his hand under her gown, lifts her right breast and tells her to say, "99"

She says "99"

"I see nothing wrong there," says the Doctor. He then puts his hand under her gown, lifts her left breast and repeats, "Say 99"

She says "99"

Dr. Levine says everything seems ok with this one also.

"We might as well check your other vitals, lay down on the table and put your feet in the stirrups."

He puts on the rubber glove and some KY on the glove and is checking her private parts for any signs of lumps, etc. Once more he tells her, "Say 99"

She says, "one, two, three.........."

Wow i got cramps after lauging such sunny stuff lolz

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her."

He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn't know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

That was a nice funny thought.
Thank you for sharing............

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.

Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?"

He said, "...Scr*w him .........give him a dollar."

The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."

I was in a hospital with a doctor friend. An old man walked in and said, "Please can you check my body? The doctor ran a medical test on him and told him the old man that he is suffering from High Blood pressure due to excess intake of alcohol.

The old man asked the doctor,"Please can you change the ailment for me because I don't think I can ever stop drinking?"

How silly! Thanks for sharing. I just read a dirty joke in another thread.

A guy is out hunting and gets shot in the arm so his pals take him to the doctor to have the bullet removed.
The doctor tried to give him anesethetic but the man refused.
"Look, you don't realize how bad this is going to hurt without numbing it" the doctor insisted.
"Doc - it ain't gonna be that bad, just take the durned slug out, will ya?" the man retorted.
"Sir - I realize you want to seem in control for your friends, but nobody is going to think less for you for having some pain relief. This can be an excruciating ordeal."
"Nah, I'm okay, really. Just get that bullet out of me, PLEASE" the man again insisted.
"But sir........" started the doctor.
"LOOK DOC", said the man, "I know all about what pain is. Ya know, the second worst pain I ever felt was when I was out hunting and had to take a dump....so I squats down in these bushes............and a bear trap catched me by the scrotum. Just take the durned bullet out of my arm please."
The doctor is visibly shaken and shudders..."Oh my GOD. That was the SECOND worst pain?" he cries. "What on earth could have been worse than that"?
"Oh", replies the man shaking his head. "That was when the slack ran out of the chain."

Steve Wagenheim is a gentle soul and had never been hunting before. He started to worry about the state of the world, though, and decided for the good of his family he should learn to hunt. KJ and Michael Mayo said they'd be more than happy to take him on their next hunt with them.

So off the three went into the forests one week-end together. KJ told Wags that if they all got separated to shoot into the air once and wait for 10 minutes. If nobody came by then, shoot twice and wait another ten minutes then shoot three times and that should give them a chance to find him by that time.

As the day wore on, sure enough, the group got separated. Steve shot into the air once, then sat down by the stream to rest and daydream in the beauty of the woods for a few minutes. Ten minutes later he shot into the air twice, then sat back down and had a snack from his pack. Ten minutes later he was becoming worried and shot into the air three times hoping that his friends would locate him quickly.

He was just getting very worried about how to find his way back out to the car on his own after not paying the attention he should have to his direction the way in. He turned to look for which way to go when he saw Bill and Mike strolling up the path toward him.

"Oh Thank God!" he cried merrily. "I am so glad you found me..........I was almost out of arrows."

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

hahaha.....all this sure make me laugh a lot
thank you all....
btw, i just want to say hello to everyone...
i'm new to this forum....
love it.....tyvm.

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?"

Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget.

The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons.

When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done.

She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me.

I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class todays word is DEFINITLY, can anyone use the word in a sentence."

Little Susie stands up and say "The sky is DEFINITLY blue."

The teacher says; "Not necessarily Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."

Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.

The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?"

Johnny says " I have a question."

OK lets hear it, says the teacher.

Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?"

The teacher says, "Well no they don't."

Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINITLY just **** my pants!!!"

wow nice jokes I mean it can change someones moods and ambiance by just reading this warm and mind playing jokes. Thanks for posting this can start my day with a smile.

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't
realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the
driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my
first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)

1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

3. Saftey Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6. Farmer Bill Dies In House

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?

9. Stud Tires Out

10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over

12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again

13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands

14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

15. Eye Drops Off Shelf

16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree

25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

30. War Dims Hope For Peace

31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

35. Deer Kill 17,000

36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy

42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire

43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply

44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing

50. Air Head Fired

51. Steals Clock, Faces Time

52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

53. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni

54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board

55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction

57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

-----------------------------------

"Now that doesn't look like a foot"

Thought the sock.

-----------------------------------

I lost my wedding ring yesterday. Had a brief look under the sofa but wasn't really bothered, so my wife told me to look harder.

I've shaved my hair and bought a new Nike tracksuit, but I still can't find it.

-----------------------------------

My attractive female neighbour is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is.....purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

Husband: You know honey, from this day on, I promise to stop my gambling addiction.

Wife: (gives him a raised eyebrow) Yeah, right...

Husband: Wanna bet?

John was in a bar looking very dejected.

His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, “What’s wrong?”

“It’s my mother-in-law,” John replied, while shaking his head sadly. “I have a real problem with her.”

“Cheer up,” Steve said. “Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law.”

“Yeah,” John answered. “But I got mine pregnant.”

Making me laugh all morning, guys!

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

An archaeologist in Egypt was taking a walk in the town square one morning.

He had to get back to the hotel for a meeting but had forgotten his wristwatch.

He was walking by an old man sitting on a low stool by his camel and asked if he knew the time.

The old man slowly reached over and pushed the camel's testicles to one side and then released them, letting them swing to a stop.

"10:27" he said.

The archaeologist was stunned as he had never seen someone tell time like that before. He rushed back to the hotel to find his colleagues and then brought them back to the town square to find the old man.

Having found him again, the archaeologist said, "I will give you this $50 bill if you'll show me how you tell time.

The old man pocketed the $50 bill and said, "OK, kneel down here with me and put your head close to mine.

Now swing the camel's testicles out of the way.

Now, can you see the clock on that building over there?"

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Harrison ha ha if you go back through this thread you'll see the exact same joke off me LOL Good joke though.

hahaha
made my day
thanks

Two flies were buzzing around when they stumbled upon some dog poo. The first fly told the second to land on it and eat some, so they did.

While they were busy munching, one fly poke the other one and spoke.

Fly1: Buddy, I think I'm gonna fart...

Fly2: Do it somewhere else! Can't you see I'm eating?

Little Johnny walks into the bathroom and sees his mother having a shower. This is the first time he's ever seen a female naked before, and he's curious as to what the hairy thing is.

"What's that thing Mum? he says pointing to it.

Mum, thinking quickly, replies "That's my sponge".

A few days later, Johnny sees his mother again in the shower. This time though, she's shaved herself.

"Mum", says Johnny, "What happened to your sponge?"

More quick thinking from Mum, she replies "Oh, I lost it".

Later on that day Johnny runs into the house.

"Mum, Mum, I've found your sponge. The woman next door is washing Dad's face with it."

A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple
scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked,
"That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found
my wife in bed with my best friend.

"Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple
scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house."

As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So
what did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in
the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her
stuff and to get the hell out."

"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your best
friend?"

"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad
dog!'"

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.


He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and says,

'Nope...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

I don't know if this will be funny but i'll try this joke.

A man parked his car on a sidewalk one sunny day just near a store. When he came back, he saw a traffic enforcer towing his car. the enforcer said that he parked his car where the sign said " no parking on both sides"

The man angrily answered back, "but i didn't park on both sides!. I only park on one side! "

is it funny? hope so.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Funniest joke in the world;

note: courtesy of my own dear mom Andie


A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."



Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.
Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!



BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE "LIGHT"!

Did you here about the blind surgeon doing his first ever circumcision????

He got the sack

A friend of mine is into voodoo acupuncture. you don't have to go, you'll just be walking along the street and go......Ooh, that's better!

I try not to think about the past.........it just brings back so many memories.

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop....

Do you want me to teach you a method that only takes 3 minutes to learn and has the potential of making you an extra $100/day?

If yes, please send $100 to my account. I only accept one client per day and it will only take 3 minutes of your time.

:p

- Can I borrow that book of yours "How To Become A Millionaire"?
- Sure. Here you are.
- Thanks, but half the pages are missing.
- What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?

hahahhaahaha Nice guy`s

I agree that sometimes we should make jokes also. That will make our day different.

> After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
> Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
> preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most
> women - she loves to browse.


Yesterday my dear wife received the following
> letter from the local Target.
> Dear Mrs. Harris,
> Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
> store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
> of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris,
> are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
> 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
> people's carts when they weren't looking.
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
> intervals.
> 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
> women's restroom.
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
> 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
> leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
> that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
> time and costing the company money.
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
> layaway.
> 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
> 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
> children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
> blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
> and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
> called.
> 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
> mirror while he picked his nose.
> 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
> the clerk where the antidepressants were.
> 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
> the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
> 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
> using different sizes of funnels.
> 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
> yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
> 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
> assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
> 15. And last, but not least:
> 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
> then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
> the clerks passed out.

I literally lol'd at some of those, thanks!

" My wife has been walking a mile a day for the last 3 years.....


and now I don't know where the hell she is."

Ok....Here's a joke all you psychics out there should get a kick out of....



















ROFLMAO.....hope that wasn't TOO off-color for you.

A Mexican and a White guy get killed in a car accident. When they get to the Pearly Gates the White guy says God I gotta know are you Black or white and God says Buenas Dias.

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say, "Oh my God...."

The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class:

"Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. Then replied, "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal."

The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.

Lilly put up her hand. "Yes, Lilly?" asked the teacher.

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

"Very good. Thanks, Lilly," said the male teacher.

He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: "Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:

First, you have NOT done your HOMEWORK.

Second, you have a DIRTY mind.

And thirdly, I fear, one day in future, you are going to be sadly disappointed. (because no other part expand to 10 times of its usual size)"

can't believe i spent an hour on this thread.

What do you call it when a blond dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial Intelligence.

Why are there no brunette jokes?
Blonds would have to think of them.

A man dies and goes to Hell. The Devil meets him at the gates and says "There are three rooms here. You can choose which one you want to spend eternity in".

The Devil takes him to the first room where there are people hanging from the walls by their wrists and obviously in agony.
The Devil takes him to the second room where the people are being whipped with metal chains.
The Devil then opens the third door, and the man looks inside and sees many people sitting around, up to their waists in garbage, drinking cups of tea.

WHICH ROOM WOULD YOU CHOOSE???
Choose before scrolling down.

The man decides instantly which room he is going to spend eternity in and chooses the last room.
He goes into the third room, picks up his cup of tea and the Devil walks back in saying "Ok, guys, tea break's over, back on your heads!"

As we approach the end of another month - I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat **** in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my ass.


AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a Toonie dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . .


Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet. thanks a lot! :-)

In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.

And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but do not use Windows.

And God said - It is not good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.

But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?

And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.

And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless--since Windows could replace it.

So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.

And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him--What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered--I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to!

And God said to Bill - Because of what you did, you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.

And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.

And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User, you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."