My Daughter Doesn't Need To Have a Boyfriend Until She's At Least 18!

13 years ago

God I hope for you that this was just a fun rant with no seriousness to it. Well, more actually I hope for HER that you are just being funny.

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thunderbird

13 years ago

Originally Posted by HeySal

God I hope for you that this was just a fun rant with no seriousness to it. Well, more actually I hope for HER that you are just being funny.

I'm not sure what restrictions we'll set on our son (now a toddler) when he becomes a teen. I hitchhiked alone across Argentina when I was 15. I wouldn't let him do that.

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Sunfyre7896

13 years ago

Originally Posted by thunderbird

I'm not sure what restrictions we'll set on our son (now a toddler) when he becomes a teen. I hitchhiked alone across Argentina when I was 15. I wouldn't let him do that.

This reminds me of a guy I heard on the radio right after that rich kid had to be rescued trying to sail around the world by himself with his parent's permission. He was only like 15 or something. Anyway, that topic came up and this guy called in and he said that at 17, his parents gave him money to go to Europe for the summer and maybe longer. He said, "They gave me $200 and said you Better Make It." I died laughing for about ten minutes. "You better make it." I respect you for being able to do that, but to tell your kid that they better make it is just too much.

And at least TL didn't say until she's 30.

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Kurt

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Sunfyre7896

This reminds me of a guy I heard on the radio right after that rich kid had to be rescued trying to sail around the world by himself with his parent's permission. He was only like 15 or something. Anyway, that topic came up and this guy called in and he said that at 17, his parents gave him money to go to Europe for the summer and maybe longer. He said, "They gave me $200 and said you Better Make It." I died laughing for about ten minutes. "You better make it." I respect you for being able to do that, but to tell your kid that they better make it is just too much.

And at least TL didn't say until she's 30.

There you go TL...For her 16th birthday buy her a sail boat and have her be the youngest girl to sail around the World TWICE by herself.

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thunderbird

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Sunfyre7896

This reminds me of a guy I heard on the radio right after that rich kid had to be rescued trying to sail around the world by himself with his parent's permission. <snip>

There is no way I would have gotten permission for my adventure. Lots of what I did was without my parents' knowledge or permission, as was also the case with at least 90% of my friends, especially the ones with strict parents.

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TLTheLiberator

13 years ago

Originally Posted by HeySal

God I hope for you that this was just a fun rant with no seriousness to it. Well, more actually I hope for HER that you are just being funny.

It's gong to be a bummer for her and I hope she doesn't turn out gay or a wild woman, but we feel it's best to proceed this way.

We're going to talk to the other parents and see if we can get a partnership on this matter.

If none of her BFFs can have a boyfriend it makes it easier for all of them.

All The Best!!

TL

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seasoned

13 years ago

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

It's gong to be a bummer for her and I hope she doesn't turn out gay or a wild woman, but we feel it's best to proceed this way.

We're going to talk to the other parents and see if we can get a partnership on this matter.

If none of her BFFs can have a boyfriend it makes it easier for all of them.

All The Best!!

TL

Your daughter is THIRTEEN. and she hasn't let you know? Dream on about the partnership! Are ALL her friends the SAME age and do all parents agree on the same age?

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MikeFriedman

13 years ago

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

It's gong to be a bummer for her and I hope she doesn't turn out gay or a wild woman, but we feel it's best to proceed this way.

We're going to talk to the other parents and see if we can get a partnership on this matter.

If none of her BFFs can have a boyfriend it makes it easier for all of them.

All The Best!!

TL

This literally made me laugh out loud.

You are really going to try to talk her girlfriend's parents into not letting their daughters have a boyfriend until they are 18?

One thing I have witnessed with parents... they do not like to be told how they should raise their kids.

I don't picture these conversations going well. Or, the parents might say yes to your face but have no intention of making their daughters stick to that.

Oh, and you're also taking the chance of her friends ostracizing her because of this request. If any of the other parents actually do agree to such a ridiculous request, their daughters will blame you and your daughter for their new restrictions.

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TLTheLiberator

13 years ago

Originally Posted by MikeFriedman

This literally made me laugh out loud.

You are really going to try to talk her girlfriend's parents into not letting their daughters have a boyfriend until they are 18?

One thing I have witnessed with parents... they do not like to be told how they should raise their kids.

I don't picture these conversations going well. Or, the parents might say yes to your face but have no intention of making their daughters stick to that.

Oh, and you're also taking the chance of her friends ostracizing her because of this request. If any of the other parents actually do agree to such a ridiculous request, their daughters will blame you and your daughter for their new restrictions.

Glad to be of service.

No one's going to try to tell other parents how to raise their kids and...

I understand this is a most sensitive subject that most be handled delicately.

We'll see how it goes.

I think there's a good chance the dads will be on board.

BTW...

I once sold 2 home security systems in one day in your town of York PA.

We were from the D.C. area but we also had a office in York.

We were authorized ADT sub-contractors.

The big boss wanted us to go door to door in York.

I hate going door to door - anywhere.

All The Best!!

TL

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MikeFriedman

13 years ago

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

Glad to be of service.

No one's going to try to tell other parents how to raise their kids and...

I understand this is a most sensitive subject that most be handled delicately.

We'll see how it goes.

I think there's a good chance the dads will be on board.

BTW...

I once sold 2 home security systems in one day in your town of York PA.

We were from the D.C. area but we also had a office in York.

We were authorized ADT sub-contractors.

The big boss wanted us to go door to door in York.

I hate going door to door - anywhere.

All The Best!!

TL

LOL... Yeah, door-to-door in York would not go over so well. Too many cranky people here.

I lived outside of DC for about 5 years in the Laurel/Beltsville area. Do not miss that area one bit.

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tryinhere 13 years ago

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

I think there's a good chance the dads will be on board.

With 2 teenage daughters ( one now just in the 20's ) I read this and thought you were having a joke, but it seems you might be serious, so on your comment above i think there might be a very high chance many dad's will also give you a bit of a funny look.

At this age girl or boy I'd guess its about letting go more than holding on, these kids are young and finding out all about the world, they are past the age of needing trainer wheels on life and parents holding onto their seat as they peddle life's journey.

This is an age where your needed for guidance, understanding and as a role model for how they should live and lastly to be there with words of support when they make the occasional blunder (that they will do), not to hold them in tighter.
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princeofirf

13 years ago

In my country girls dont have Bf ...
i am 18yr old boy and i dont have and never had GirlFriend ...
Having relationship before marriage is considered very very bad in Our Country ..

Is is Good or Bad ......?

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hardraysnight

13 years ago

Originally Posted by princeofirf

In my country girls dont have Bf ...
i am 18yr old boy and i dont have and never had GirlFriend ...
Having relationship before marriage is considered very very bad in Our Country ..

Is is Good or Bad ......?

I am sure a girlfriend is better than that stated in your sig.

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Thomas

13 years ago

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

My Daughter Doesn't Need To Have a Boyfriend Until She's At Least 18!

She may not NEED a boyfriend, but she probably will have one anyway, regardless of what you do.

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ThomM 13 years ago

Good luck with that
Seriously, good luck with that.
One of the heaviest burdens I carried raising my girls was remembering what I was like at their age
We let them sorta date while teens, but I always had a talk with the boys first.
I'd tell them I remembered what I was like at their age and if they touched my little girl very bad things would happen to them.
Then I'd smile and say "Always remember. I've been to prison and I don't mind going back".
Don't really know how well that worked, but it sure was fun to watch them pee themselves a little
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brenda ashford

13 years ago

been strict is good but you need to have some limits.Give your girl enough freedom because if you lock her up she will sneak out.You can stop her from been in love unless she is caged in the house all day.

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Kay King 13 years ago

My wife and I have already decided that our 13 year old daughter will not have a "love" interest until she's of legal adult.

You are missing something that's important. Know your child, raise a child you can trust who is not afraid to come to you with any problems or questions.

Be involved in her life - be vigilant about what she does online and who her friends are and who is the "love of her life this week". You know you can't exert such relentless control - if you do, she'll get very good at hiding what she does and who she does it with.

I'm so glad I had sons!
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Kurt

13 years ago

I recommend the advice Michael Duncan Clarke's character on 2 1/2 Men gave Ryan Stiles' character concerning having a daughter: Bulk up.

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mojojuju

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Kurt

I recommend the advice Michael Duncan Clarke's character on 2 1/2 Men gave Ryan Stiles' character concerning having a daughter: Bulk up.

If somebody doesn't want their daughter running around with boys, it would help to also bulk the daughter up.

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pickthat apple

13 years ago

TLTheLiberator - I believe that it is good to apply a certain control on the children until they reach an age when they can understand by themselves the consequences of their behaviour.

It is all well communicating and play best friends with them, but when it comes to business we are not really their mates, we are the authority. We can never hold the compairason with new boyfriend Joe anyway.
We are a different planet.

In the light of that, we might as well take the opportunity to provide a good example and hope that it will be followed at least marginally.

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thunderbird

13 years ago

Originally Posted by pickthat apple

<snip>
It is all well communicating and play best friends with them, but when it comes to business we are not really their mates, we are the authority.<snip>

Authority can be better won by reason than by the rod. Spare the reason, spoil the child's life.

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pickthat apple 13 years ago

Originally Posted by thunderbird

Authority can be better won by reason than by the rod. Spare the reason, spoil the child's life.

Just to clarify, I didn't mean auhority in that sense, but in the sense that we parents show them what is good and what is wrong from day one and we feed them, clothes them, care about their emotional development.

We are therefore in a position of authority, whatever shape parents decide to give to this authority.

Although we are a great deal responsible for our children, bottomline is that we do not own them, nor they own us.
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- Sabrina178 13 years ago
  
  hahaha you are being funny
  
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- Graphix Marketing 13 years ago
  
  I hope this thread runs and runs, I have two daughters and in their teenage years I gave them good stong parental advice on what I expected from them, but at the same time I left them to it.
  They never let me down, and nobody had a bad word to say about them. I believe if you try to lock them away you will suffer the backlash, they will do what they want to spite you, if your too hard.
  It was enough to just show my disapproval, for my girls to have a rethink, don't get me wrong I don't think for one minute that they were complete angels, but I do believe that my trust played a major part in their behaviour.
  
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mediasurgeons

13 years ago

Ever heard of the word rebellion?

You're asking for trouble if you are genuinely serious.

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scubasteve-cr

13 years ago

Tsk tsk tsk, TL.

Here's a hint for you: she's going to do it anyway. I don't understand strict parents. You're supposed to support your children. Shouldn't your daughter learn from her parents instead of the world? She will date anyway. She will have a boyfriend anyway. She just might *gasp* have sex anyway.

You're leading down a dangerous road by being super-strict and not letting her date. Why would you do such a thing? Don't you love your daughter??

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jimbo13 13 years ago

^ Yes he does, and therefore he doesn't want some little oik within 100 yards her.

Dan

PS: Good luck TL, think you may need it.
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- ThomM 13 years ago
  
  I'm so glad I had sons!
  
  Sure rub it in
  I truly believed that having girls was Gods way of getting even with me for my teen years
  
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Jonathan 2.0

Banned 13 years ago

She'll probably feel left out when all of her friends are "dating" etc.

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TLTheLiberator

13 years ago

Well, she's already been told so she will be prepared.

When she was 5 or 6...

I remember, a little boy was trying to kiss her at a party at a restaurant and I wanted to throw him against the wall.

I'm only kidding about wanting to throw him against the wall.

TL

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waterotter

13 years ago

TL, if you have any hopes of your plans working, you had better relocate to a remote private island and start home schooling!

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seasoned 13 years ago

Originally Posted by waterotter

TL, if you have any hopes of your plans working, you had better relocate to a remote private island and start home schooling!

Do yu KNOW of a worthwhile island that could be used like that?
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- mojojuju 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by seasoned
  
  Do yu KNOW of a worthwhile island that could be used like that?
  
  Maybe the Virgin Islands?
  
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  Brian John 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by mojojuju
  
  Maybe the Virgin Islands?
  
  Instant Rimshot
  
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- waterotter 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by seasoned
  
  Do yu KNOW of a worthwhile island that could be used like that?
  
  LOL Steve, Alcatraz came to mind!
  
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- hardraysnight 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by seasoned
  
  Do yu KNOW of a worthwhile island that could be used like that?
  
  san quentin may have vacancies
  
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dennyrichs

13 years ago

nice thought but If u put lot of restriction on her.she will frustrated and may be she will not respect you that's why don't give her unnecessary restrictions.she should not be think that you have snatched her freedom.

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Chris Worner

13 years ago

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Bekah Howard

13 years ago

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

It's gong to be a bummer for her and I hope she doesn't turn out gay or a wild woman, but we feel it's best to proceed this way.

We're going to talk to the other parents and see if we can get a partnership on this matter.

If none of her BFFs can have a boyfriend it makes it easier for all of them.

All The Best!!

TL

TL, my parents tried rules like that. For my sister and I the rule was no boyfriend until your 16, then we had to have my dad's specific permission for the guy and they had to have a "talk"... In theory.

My sister's first boyfriend was at 15. She just kept him a complete secret. I actually waited until I was 19, but he happened to be 7 years older than me at the time... oh, and I flirted around with some guys from 13 on (nothing bad, basically just cuddling), and my first kiss was with a guy I didn't care about (just because I was feeling rebellious), and once I was 18 and at college I started partying (even though I was a "good" girl and went to a private christian school that had VERY strict lifestyle code). Did I mention that I managed to hide everything from my parents, mostly without even trying that hard.

Long story short, My main reason for doing so was because I was sick of playing the good girl and decided to just try everything since I wasn't allowed to try anything before.

I obviously straitened out later, without much (if any) damage done, but my dad is still upset about it years later. The only reason he knows anything is that I admitted some of it to him later. He still doesn't know most of it.

Seriously, rather than put limits like that on your daughter, I encourage (and even beg) you to instead encourage openness with her.

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TLTheLiberator

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Bekah Howard

TL, my parents tried rules like that. For my sister and I the rule was no boyfriend until your 16, then we had to have my dad's specific permission for the guy and they had to have a "talk"... In theory.

My sister's first boyfriend was at 15. She just kept him a complete secret. I actually waited until I was 19, but he happened to be 7 years older than me at the time... oh, and I flirted around with some guys from 13 on (nothing bad, basically just cuddling), and my first kiss was with a guy I didn't care about (just because I was feeling rebellious), and once I was 18 and at college I started partying (even though I was a "good" girl and went to a private christian school that had VERY strict lifestyle code). Did I mention that I managed to hide everything from my parents, mostly without even trying that hard.

Long story short, My main reason for doing so was because I was sick of playing the good girl and decided to just try everything since I wasn't allowed to try anything before.

I obviously straitened out later, without much (if any) damage done, but my dad is still upset about it years later. The only reason he knows anything is that I admitted some of it to him later. He still doesn't know most of it.

Seriously, rather than put limits like that on your daughter, I encourage (and even beg) you to instead encourage openness with her.

Thanks for your thoughts.

I'm also going to consul her against falling for older dudes when she is of age.

I hope she doesn't turn gay or into a girl gone wild to her detriment.

Thanks again!

TL

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Bekah Howard 13 years ago

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

Thanks for your thoughts.

I'm also going to consul her against falling for older dudes when she is of age.

I would like to point out that in order to council her against something, you have to be at a point where she actually respects what you think because she sees reason in it (not just because you're her dad). This could easily be lost if she feels oppressed under rules. I love my dad, but I don't agree with him on a lot of things. If he doesn't show me legitimate reasons behind things, I just agree to disagree and don't flaunt that I may not follow it. Be prepared for this.

On a side note, older doesn't necessarily mean bad. My husband is actually 5 years older than me. Actually, I thought the guy was only 2-3 years older when we started dating (met during the summer at my job). It's more about dating within your maturity level. I found guys my age (and even most that were slightly older) to be way too immature for me.
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thunderbird

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Bekah Howard

<snip>

Long story short, My main reason for doing so was because I was sick of playing the good girl and decided to just try everything since I wasn't allowed to try anything before.

I obviously straitened out later, without much (if any) damage done, but my dad is still upset about it years later. The only reason he knows anything is that I admitted some of it to him later. He still doesn't know most of it.

Seriously, rather than put limits like that on your daughter, I encourage (and even beg) you to instead encourage openness with her.

I've seen what you're describing, girls (and guys) with strict parents just find ways to do everything in secret. Also, I've seen the phenomenon of girls raised in strict societies just going wild in Canada where there's opportunity. I agree that open communication is likely to have better results. Kids who learn self-control rather than always rule-by-authority will probably be better off (and not pissed off at their parent).

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QuickSurf

13 years ago

Originally Posted by thunderbird

I've seen what you're describing, girls (and guys) with strict parents just find ways to do everything in secret. Also, I've seen the phenomenon of girls raised in strict societies just going wild in Canada where there's opportunity. I agree that open communication is likely to have better results. Kids who learn self-control rather than always rule-by-authority will probably be better off (and not pissed off at their parent).

I've never understood why some parents are beyond ridiculously strict. My mother raised us pretty relaxed, not even close to remotely strict... parties at the house when she was away-check, dumb teenager stuff-check, would buy beer for us later in high school and at the lakehouse - check, sneaking her Porsche out and getting caught at 3 am -check lol, girlfriends sleep over or boyfriends for sis - no problem, check. And we turned out fine, same for others I know with non-strict parents.

The people I know who were raised in pretty religious households or very strict parents... went batsh!t crazy come college.

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ThomM

13 years ago

TL think about it, being gay isn't so bad.
Can't get pregnant, don't have to worry about teenage boys.
It has a lot of pluses going for it

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seasoned 13 years ago

Originally Posted by ThomM

TL think about it, being gay isn't so bad.
Can't get pregnant, don't have to worry about teenage boys.
It has a lot of pluses going for it

Well, that USED to be right! What about the couples that like to always be in the paper fo "man gives birth to...

'Pregnant Man' Gives Birth to Girl - ABC News

They are two WOMEN where the "man" hasn't gone all the way with the "sex change" goes OFF the hormones, and gets inseminated.

Steve
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TLTheLiberator

13 years ago

Originally Posted by ThomM

TL think about it, being gay isn't so bad.
Can't get pregnant, don't have to worry about teenage boys.
It has a lot of pluses going for it

That's true Tom.

Maybe she could be gay until she's 18.

But I don't want her falling in love with anyone until she's really out of college.

But I heard that...

Once you go gay, there's no other way.

All The Best!!

TL

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ThomM

13 years ago

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

That's true Tom.

Maybe she could be gay until she's 18.

But I don't want her falling in love with anyone until she's really out of college.

But I heard that...

Once you go gay, there's no other way.

All The Best!!

TL

It didn't work with mine, they all are straight as an arrow

I'll tell you this though. If how you raise your daughter is based on love and having her best interests in mind, in the end she will appreciate what you do and maybe even how you did it.
My oldest (who is now 40) moved to Fl. when she was around 26 and we lost contact for a few years.
When I started visiting her, every now and then she would look at me and say "you where right". I'd ask about what and she would say, "Remember when you grounded me or when you wouldn't let me see so and so," or a number of other things that when she was younger thought I was being mean about. " Well you where right then and I'm so glad you loved me enough to really care."

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TimPhelan

13 years ago

TL, you should know better that people don't just "go gay". However, just to be safe and to protect your daughter I think you probably should keep her from having any friends until she is eighteen. Why limit it to just boys? Plus, home schooling is a great option for having even more control over your kids. Why risk anything? I'm sure she will forgive you someday.

I feel for you whatever you decide to do. It's going to be a long five years, but I have news for you. The worrying doesn't stop when they reach 18 and at some point you need to trust them and what you have taught them over the years.

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

That's true Tom.

Maybe she could be gay until she's 18.

But I don't want her falling in love with anyone until she's really out of college.

But I heard that...

Once you go gay, there's no other way.

All The Best!!

TL

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TLTheLiberator

13 years ago

Originally Posted by TimPhelan

TL, you should know better that people don't just "go gay". However, just to be safe and to protect your daughter I think you probably should keep her from having any friends until she is eighteen. Why limit it to just boys? Plus, home schooling is a great option for having even more control over your kids. Why risk anything? I'm sure she will forgive you someday.

I feel for you whatever you decide to do. It's going to be a long five years, but I have news for you. The worrying doesn't stop when they reach 18 and at some point you need to trust them and what you have taught them over the years.

You're right Tim about the gay comment and It is also going to be a long 5 years.

We're very close now and I don't want to lose that but it happens with many parents and their kids as the kids get older - as the relationship changes.

I know at some point I've got to let her go and trust what we've tried to teach her for her life.

It's just that...

The wife and I just don't see the need for her to be "crazy in love" - and all that it entails, before she's 18.

Sure she'll have less "fun" but this will also destroy the possibility of her running smack into the many pitfalls of teenage love - especially for girls.

We are going to allow her to go to a co-ed high school instead of a all girls school.

Unless she can get into an Ivy league type of school, she'll be going to college in our local area which has many fine universities within 45 minutes tops.

I hope she can forgive us and see the wisdom of our course of action.

Thanks,

TL

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ak1lz

13 years ago

Imho... you are going to create far more problems than the ones you are avoiding.

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QuickSurf 13 years ago

The only point of having a daughter is so you can do this one day

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valerieSONORA

13 years ago

I really really hope you aren't serious. Smothering a teen to death will case you more grief than anything else. Protective, good parenting, watchful, yes. Smothering, over controlling, NO. Don't be surprised if she runs away.

I shouldn't say this but it's true so why not. I'm reading a true crime story called "Love Hurts" this reminded me of the book. The parents were very controlling, super religious and forced this good sweet religious girl to break up with her boyfriend at 16. I'm not gonna say what happened but you can look it up it's not pretty.

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TLTheLiberator

13 years ago

Originally Posted by valerieSONORA

I really really hope you aren't serious. Smothering a teen to death will case you more grief than anything else. Protective, good parenting, watchful, yes. Smothering, over controlling, NO. Don't be surprised if she runs away.

I shouldn't say this but it's true so why not. I'm reading a true crime story called "Love Hurts" this reminded me of the book. The parents were very controlling, super religious and forced this good sweet religious girl to break up with her boyfriend at 16. I'm not gonna say what happened but you can look it up it's not pretty.

Thanks for your thoughtful words.

I know it can be a thin line between smothering and good solid parenting.

I will try to walk that line.

Thanks Again!!

TL

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Caleb Spilchen

13 years ago

Just pointing this out.. Normal girls/boys at age 16 don't usually go for 55 year olds.

Or maybe I'm just unusual?

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Roaddog

13 years ago

TL...

Actually ValerieSONORA makes some sense...even tho she doesn't like football and boxing, Hey, we all have our quirks.

There is a balance to be reached...that takes talent.

Raised a daughter and now a son. I have a 'bucket list' to do when he reaches sixteen or is a half inch taller than me. ( whichever comes first) I write everything down and when he is that size (whichever comes first) I'm gonna knock his d^&* in the dirt.

A balance...you see.:p

The daughter was harder to raise tho...I must admit.

Maybe I'm just more experienced the second time around.

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Sheryl Polomka

13 years ago

I have all boys with my oldest being 13. I don't forbid him to have a girlfriend, but he is pretty good. While many of his friends go from one girlfriend to another, he has only had one girlfriend which lasted quite a while and was very innocent.

I am reasonably open with my boys and they know they can talk to me about anything at any time.

Although I only have boys I come from a family of 2 girls. My Mum didn't allow us to have boyfriends and as a result it was all done in secrecy. My sister got pregnant when she was 18 (which is probably old for teenagers in todays standard but was young back then). I believe if she had been allowed to have a boyfriend and be more open then perhaps she wouldn't have rebelled and gotten pregnant at that age. Although she has the most beautiful daughter who is 25 now so it all worked out well and she married the guy and they are still together 25 years later.

My point is, like many above, that if you are too strict then it could all blow up in your face if she rebels.

I would rather have my sons bring their girlfriends home and know what they are doing than have them doing things in secrecy and possibly getting themselves into danger.

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christopher jon

13 years ago

I know it can be a thin line between smothering and good solid parenting.

You are smothering.

You don't think you are and you don't see it but you are.

Good solid parenting is teaching your children values and the difference between right and wrong.

You might as well throw a chastity belt on her and send her off to a nunnery until she is 18.

Let kids be kids, you don't understand them and you're not supposed to.

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seasoned 13 years ago

Originally Posted by christopher jon

You might as well throw a chastity belt on her and send her off to a nunnery until she is 18.

Now THERE is an idea! BTW at 13, she could have a kid, and she MIGHT have ALREADY had sex!
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- Sumit Menon 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by seasoned
  
  Now THERE is an idea! BTW at 13, she could have a kid, and she MIGHT have ALREADY had sex!
  
  You might've just killed the guy, Steve!
  
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HeySal

13 years ago

15 - 18 is the perfect age for a girl to learn what she needs to know when she walks out that door. So what happens when she knows absolutely nothing because daddy was so possessive that nobody could get near her? You like dumb chicks? Keep her too sheltered and that's what you produce. You either want her to learn the facts in high school where the parents know each other and it can all be handled -- or you can let her walk out into the world like a lamb to the slaughter..........or worse yet, run off to get married to get away from a tyrant. That's what people do with tyrants, they duck and cover until they can run. Make it miserable enough for her because of your own problems dealing with a human growing up and she'll do you a favor and never look back when she leaves the house. Confinement is not protection -- it is prison.

If you actually go to neighbors to get support for this insecurity - you also are not going to want to know what people are saying about you behind your back...and what your daughter hears about her dad.

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Dennis Gaskill

13 years ago

You're just asking for trouble, IMO. If not in form of rebellion before she's of legal age, then in the form of a daughter who won't know how to deal with men or her emotions concerning men, sex, and all that goes with the territory when she's finally out from under your heavy hand. You'll be asking her to make adult decisions with no experience to base them on ... that's like throwing her to the wolves.

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Sumit Menon

13 years ago

The 16 year old in that other thread was a budding pop star. She got millions of dollars worth of publicity by marrying the guy. And I really doubt she is 16.

If you let her (your daughter) have a boyfriend her age, she won't fall for a 50 year old. It's a win-win situation for both of you.

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Audrey Harvey

13 years ago

My daughter is 11 1/2, and she's apparently the only one in her Scouts group who hasn't yet had a boyfriend. You may be too late!

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Sweely99

13 years ago

Dear, TL...

I'm not sure if you're trolling, or if you're actually serious. Nevertheless, I had a father just like you, except it was all about religion. He didn't allow me to do stuff for religious reasons. Same thing, pretty much.

How it turned out? Well, I had lost my virginity/gotten drunk/high/whatever plus much, much more by the age of 15. Ever heard of the word rebel?

You're making a huge mistake IMO. Being as strict as you're planning to be — you're only ruining their lives and your relationship to your daughters.

I can undoubtedly tell you beforehand that your daughters most probably will hate you once they turn 18. I know it sound harsh, I'm sorry, but being as strict as you're planning to be is just wrong. Plain wrong.

Good luck with your kids. You're gonna need it!

P.S: it doesn't surprise me if the other parents think you're crazy.

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TLTheLiberator

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Sweely99

Dear, TL...

I'm not sure if you're trolling, or if you're actually serious. Nevertheless, I had a father just like you, except it was all about religion. He didn't allow me to do stuff for religious reasons. Same thing, pretty much.

How it turned out? Well, I had lost my virginity/gotten drunk/high/whatever plus much, much more by the age of 15. Ever heard of the word rebel?

You're making a huge mistake IMO. Being as strict as you're planning to be — you're only ruining their lives and your relationship to your daughters.

I can undoubtedly tell you beforehand that your daughters most probably will hate you once they turn 18. I know it sound harsh, I'm sorry, but being as strict as you're planning to be is just wrong. Plain wrong.

Good luck with your kids. You're gonna need it!

P.S: it doesn't surprise me if the other parents think you're crazy.

I hear ya!

I saw a guy on TV once and he said growing up, he really used to hate his father because his father wouldn't allow him to hang out at night.

His father said that there was nothing but trouble out there for a teenage boy - at night.

Since most of the people he grew up with are now derelicts, jailbirds or dead, he's no longer angry at his dad and now understands why his father did what he did.

I hope my daughter will come to the same conclusion - if she hates me growing up.

All The Best!!

TL

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dorim

13 years ago

You're confusing love with control.

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TLTheLiberator

13 years ago

The father of one of her BFFs took her bedroom door off the hinges.

There is no computer or TV in the room.

I wonder why dad removed the door?

Any guesses anyone??

TL

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seasoned

13 years ago

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

The father of one of her BFFs took her bedroom door off the hinges.

There is no computer or TV in the room.

I wonder why dad removed the door?

Any guesses anyone??

TL

Well, that IS a little different. Hopefully they STILL give her some privacy, and she has no siblings.

As for why he removed the door, I am guessing it is so she CAN have a boyfriend over, but not have enough privacy to feel that it is OK to go all the way.

Steve

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TLTheLiberator

13 years ago

Originally Posted by seasoned

Well, that IS a little different. Hopefully they STILL give her some privacy, and she has no siblings.

As for why he removed the door, I am guessing it is so she CAN have a boyfriend over, but not have enough privacy to feel that it is OK to go all the way.

Steve

The girl is 13 and no boyfriends are allowed.

I suspect dad doesn't want her to go all the way with herself and is trying to prevent it.

TL

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Caleb Spilchen

13 years ago

Would you rather that she went behind your back to date a guy, and potentially did something you disapproved of. Or would you rather be AN open door, that she can come and talk to about it.

I may not be old enough to give parental advice, but I can tell you this much. If you make a kid "scared" to talk to you about something (like saying they can't date till their 18)... (so they won't talk to you about the boy/girl they like), then all your going to do - is make them go to someone else for advice.. (And I've seen where that leads).

I volunteered at a local arena, a couple years ago - and I worked with this girl, she was 14, I think. Anyways, she had a kid. She told me that the baby was born when she was "13", but "it" happened when she was 12... That was the most insane thing I've ever heard of.

Caleb

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seasoned 13 years ago

Originally Posted by Caleb Spilchen

I may not be old enough to give parental advice

One of the problems with parents is that, a lot of times, they seem to have forgotten everything about school, etc... In a way, THEY are too old. You're there, so your opinion really should be given some weight. TL, for example, forgot about guilt of association, and the peer pressure it can bring. He EVEN forgot about WHY the "Well everyone ELSE can" excuse is used. I mean if HE is the reason why nobody else CAN, it will negatively affect his daughter and he can't tell his daughter "Well, nobody else can either".

Steve
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soflanetworking

13 years ago

I want a daughter, but I'm not sure I want all those headaches to go with it... When my wife was pregnant with our first child, I was having a re-occurring nightmare. I had a 14 year old daughter, and she wanted to wear those short shorts, and short skirts.

I feel your pain my friend, just don't keep that leash too tight or she libel to chew right through and totally rebel. If you be a good dad, keep her trust, and make her bfs scared of you, you'll be ok.

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valerieSONORA

13 years ago

I just had a brilliant idea. Why not move to Saudi Arabia?!?!?! I can guarantee she won't have any boyfriends or drink or do drugs there. She will have to wear a niqab every time she leaves and she can't go out anywhere without a mahram (male relative chaperone). That means to go anywhere, you or another male relative or hers would have to go with her. Otherwise she's stuck at home. So you could have your eye on her at all times. Girls and boys are not allowed to mix period. Separate schools and even restaurants have a family section and single men section with curtains dividing them so no boys can see any girls even tho the girls are with a mahram and wearing niquab so you can't see anything anyway. And on top of that girls aren't allowed to drive so you don't have to worry about that either.

OMG perfect scenario.

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TLTheLiberator

13 years ago

Originally Posted by valerieSONORA

I just had a brilliant idea. Why not move to Saudi Arabia?!?!?!

I can guarantee she won't have any boyfriends or drink or do drugs there. She will have to wear a niqab every time she leaves and she can't go out anywhere without a mahram (male relative chaperone). That means to go anywhere, you or another male relative or hers would have to go with her. Otherwise she's stuck at home. So you could have your eye on her at all times. Girls and boys are not allowed to mix period. Separate schools and even restaurants have a family section and single men section with curtains dividing them so no boys can see any girls even tho the girls are with a mahram and wearing niquab so you can't see anything anyway. And on top of that girls aren't allowed to drive so you don't have to worry about that either.

OMG perfect scenario.

Thanks for the laugh!!

All The Best!!

TL

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Emily Johnson

13 years ago

I think you're going about this all wrong. As people have commented before me, kids recent being held captive. They also want what they can't have! You tell her she cant have a bf?? She'll want one more than anything else in the world. And i think it is completely ridiculous you wont let her go see a movie like Harry Potter without parental supervision. This is you telling her that you DON'T TRUST HER.

My parents were extremely liberal with my sister and I. Granted, they are total hippies. They always were open and informative and free with us. I always felt like I could go to them for anything. I distinctly remember my dad and i discussing drugs when I was a teen. I asked him all sorts of questions and he gave me examples of people who have completely ruined their lives with drugs. He also said that he knew my sister and i would experiment and he couldn't stop us, but he wanted us to understand what could happen if we got carried away.

Because of these sort of talks and because my parents pretty much let us make our own choices, my sister and I were really good kids. We didn't feel as if we had anything we needed to rebel against, and therefore, were in no rush to ruin our lives.

I think the key is to teach your children to love themselves and accept themselves. Self confidence goes a long, long way. The happier your kid is, the less trouble they will get into.

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ThomM 13 years ago

TL another trick you can try is letting her have a boyfriend.
Then go on and on about what a great guy he is.
Your daughter will think there is something wrong with him and gone he'll be
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jimbo13 13 years ago

Originally Posted by Emily Johnson

They also want what they can't have! You tell her she cant have a bf?? She'll want one more than anything else in the world.

There you go TL.

Tell her she can have a boyfriend and praise him as Thom suggests whilst simultaneously telling her that under no circumstances must she remain chaste.

Dan
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MikeFriedman 13 years ago

Originally Posted by Emily Johnson

They also want what they can't have! You tell her she cant have a bf?? She'll want one more than anything else in the world.

On the other end of that, she may end up being the girl that all the guys want because of this as well. You might make her more in demand.
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TLTheLiberator

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Emily Johnson

I think you're going about this all wrong. As people have commented before me, kids recent being held captive. They also want what they can't have! You tell her she cant have a bf?? She'll want one more than anything else in the world. And i think it is completely ridiculous you wont let her go see a movie like Harry Potter without parental supervision. This is you telling her that you DON'T TRUST HER.

My parents were extremely liberal with my sister and I. Granted, they are total hippies. They always were open and informative and free with us. I always felt like I could go to them for anything. I distinctly remember my dad and i discussing drugs when I was a teen. I asked him all sorts of questions and he gave me examples of people who have completely ruined their lives with drugs. He also said that he knew my sister and i would experiment and he couldn't stop us, but he wanted us to understand what could happen if we got carried away.

Because of these sort of talks and because my parents pretty much let us make our own choices, my sister and I were really good kids. We didn't feel as if we had anything we needed to rebel against, and therefore, were in no rush to ruin our lives.

I think the key is to teach your children to love themselves and accept themselves. Self confidence goes a long, long way. The happier your kid is, the less trouble they will get into.

I agree that self love and self confidence are big factors in raising a healthy minded kid.

A woman without either is easy prey for less than "honorable" dudes.

She will get plenty of instructions and warnings about the lack of self love and confidence.

I still don't see any good reason for her to "explore" her "romantic nature" until shes of age.

Thanks very much for your excellent tips about self confidence and love.

All The Best!!

TL

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valerieSONORA 13 years ago

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

Thanks for the laugh!!

All The Best!!

TL

Laugh!! I thought it was a great idea!!
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KabirC

13 years ago

If your daughter's friend's parents listen to you, your daughter won't have any friends they will all hate her for "ruining their lives". This is probably the most stpuid thing I have EVER heard regarding parenting.

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Victoria Gates

13 years ago

Explain.. explain.. explain.. to her why she needs to stay clear of boys on her own and certainly you should have some reasonable restrictions but even limiting her time with her female friends might be a wee bit overboard. I plan to explain my concerns about going off alone in the form of newspapers articles detailing the rapes and murders of young pretty girls. Many will think thats overboard but its reality... dangerous world you got to stay in pairs.. lock doors.. and avoid being alone with ANYONE who is not well known to you.. be it 18 or 45.

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collegeboy

13 years ago

Can i friend ship with your daughter?

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subisa852

13 years ago

I think your being strict with your daughter especially her freedom to enjoy her teenage years.

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Richard Van 13 years ago

Well,

I'm a little lost for words here.

I moved out of my parents home at 16. I worked and paid bills. I can't see how you can enforce this without a huge amount of strain on your relationship, sanity and family life.

Unless of course she is able to suppress every natural human emotion and instinct and just do as you say and then one day when she's 18, she'll just wander off and live like a normal person.

It'll be dam weird trying to get your head round one day being not allowed but then the next day it's fine. Still, I'm sure you'll be able to explain that it's that magic age of 18 that makes all the difference and you'll be able to convince her that on her 18th birthday, she's now a totally different person from the day before and every day before that and is now allowed to do as she pleases.

Frankly it's doing my head in just thinking about that one.

I'd have a think about it too. Think of a good answer now, you have 5 years....Why is she so different on her 18th birthday than she was the day before? She will ask, I certainly would.
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Will Leighton

13 years ago

Heres my view:

- She'll resent you for it

- It'll make her want to do it more anyway, and she will, good luck controlling a teenage girl

- Who are you to say she CANT have emotions for someone, shes not a robot who can bottle it up for all these years

- At 15, 16 , 17 you are perfectly capable of having a relationship and being responsible, I know people who have been together since they were 15 or 16, my parents are approaching 50 and have been together from 16, I know couples who have been together since 15. Dont be some strict dictator, be someone who will give her advice and point her in the right direction in life

- Dating, emotions, break ups etc... and all that crap are part of growing up. They need to experience it. Come 18 she'll most likely be socially awkward around boys or the idea of a relationship

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n1985

13 years ago

Yea, i saw that on the news too. that was sick.

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Kierkegaard

13 years ago

I know exactly where you're coming from TL because I've been there.

While I suspect that you'll have a change of heart by the time she's 16 once she's older than that you won't be able to stop her.

Besides, the reason you want to stop her now is to protect her. If you don't let her have any relationships before she's 18 - unless you can find her a boyfriend who is equally inexperienced - you are doing her a big disservice.

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TLTheLiberator

13 years ago

Kurt, it's been very interesting.

Of all the comments, only 2 maybe four people have told me that I'm not crazy.

Some of what I've been told...

- I'm confusing control with love:

- I've got to be kidding.

- We're robbing her of her teenage years.

The wife and I have thought this over long and hard and I know it's going to be tough on her but she can do it.

When she turns 18 her life is her own.

But I hope she agrees to...

...no marriage until she graduates from college & her potential hubby must have a degree also - unless he's proven he knows how to earn a very good living otherwise.

All The Best!!

TL

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HeySal

13 years ago

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

Kurt, it's been very interesting.

Of all the comments, only 2 maybe four people have told me that I'm not crazy.

Some of what I've been told...

- I'm confusing control with love:

- I've got to be kidding.

- We're robbing her of her teenage years.

The wife and I have thought this over long and hard and I know it's going to be tough on her but she can do it.

When she turns 18 her life is her own.

But I hope she agrees to...

...no marriage until she graduates from college & her potential hubby must have a degree also - unless he's proven he knows how to earn a very good living otherwise.

All The Best!!

TL

WTF? Teenage years are a tremendous trial even if you are being treated normally by your parents. You and your wife seem to think that it's just fine and dandy to put even more stress on her. Kewl - keep notes so you can have fun looking over just when it was that she cracked. Make sure there are a lot of pills in the house so her suicide will be painless.

If you had been my father - I wouldn't walk across the street to put flowers on your grave. Serious. There is a point at which being a control freak becomes abnormal cruelty.

I'm not just guessing either. I worked in a Crisis center and know the results of what you are doing. As for your friend who removed the girls door? He may just be the pervert that 2 in 4 little girls experience before they are 18. Hopefully someone with some authority finds out about that insanity.

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Alexa Smith Banned 13 years ago

Originally Posted by HeySal

I worked in a Crisis center and know the results of what you are doing.

Sadly, people with beliefs/attitudes like many of those expressed here, typically, aren't interested in or influenced by the views of people with relevant knowledge/experience. These issues tend to be pure emotion, entirely devoid of logic, reason or experience. You're 100% right, of course, and to be honest your comments make me feel embarrassed that I've stayed out of the thread until now, rather than having commented earlier, myself.

(In a sense, I'd have felt my observations in a thread like this would, if anything, have been more legitimate when I first got here in 2008 and was actually 18 myself, and could at least have responded with more authenticity "from the other perspective".)
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TLTheLiberator

13 years ago

Originally Posted by HeySal

WTF? Teenage years are a tremendous trial even if you are being treated normally by your parents. You and your wife seem to think that it's just fine and dandy to put even more stress on her. Kewl - keep notes so you can have fun looking over just when it was that she cracked. Make sure there are a lot of pills in the house so her suicide will be painless.

If you had been my father - I wouldn't walk across the street to put flowers on your grave.

Serious. There is a point at which being a control freak becomes abnormal cruelty.

I'm not just guessing either.

I worked in a Crisis center and know the results of what you are doing.

As for your friend who removed the girls door? He may just be the pervert that 2 in 4 little girls experience before they are 18. Hopefully someone with some authority finds out about that insanity.

He wasn't a friend who removed the door from his daughter's room.

That is something I heard from my daughter about one of her friends and her father.

I don't see how someone can miss what they never had and what's going to be defined as not a big deal in her mind.

It's not like she'll get possessed by some type of teenage sex creature and will kill others or herself if she doesn't have a romantic relation with some boy and "get it" even if others are 'doing it".

I believe the downside risk of a boyfriend(s) outweighs the so-called positive effects of having a boyfriend.

--- One thing's for sure, my daughter will not be passed around like a joint while she's in high school.

What stress???

Yes the high school years can be stressful for teenagers not mentally prepared.

She's being conditioned as we speak to understand that she does not need to have a boyfriend in high school - that's all.

She may not be crazy about it but she'll learn to live with it and if she approaches it correctly it won't be a really big deal.

She's being taught about peer pressure.

She's being taught about the concept of "over rebelling" against parental authority and especially its pitfalls.

BTW...

I've knew at least 3 girls in high school that did not have boyfriends in high school and they turned out OK.

All 3 also went to our Jr. & Senior proms and graduated from college.

BTW...

My nice went through the same thing...

... and she turned out OK.

I have talked with my nice about it and she said at first she didn't like it but after witnessing the "carnage"...

... of the so-called romantic relationships of her female peers she really didn't mind "missing out".

So I have living proof that it's not the worst thing in the world for my daughter.

Since you're such an expert on this subject...

...please tell me the percentage chance of a severely negative outcome in the life of my daughter because of this "no boyfriend in high school" strategy we plan to pursue.

Negative outcomes would be....

- suicidal? ( while in high school ) ( how about after high school?? )

- super out of control freak - once out of high school??

- secret rebellious super-freak while in high school??

- unable to have decent relationships later in life, just because she didn't date in high school?

- self hater, who likes being used and abused by dudes the rest of her life??

Did I miss any??

Oh yea, dad hater.

If she's going to piss on our graves and actually hate us over this, ...

...then we would have failed in my mission to raise a normal, "rational", thoughtful person who can support herself emotionally and financially.

Tell me Sal, I'd love to know the chances IYHO, of my daughter turning out...

... "all ______ up" in the head because of this policy.

TL

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QuickSurf

13 years ago

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

He wasn't a friend who removed the door from his daughter's room.

That is something I heard from my daughter about one of her friends and her father.

I don't see how someone can miss what they never had and what's going to be defined as not a big deal in her mind.

It's not like she'll get possessed by some type of teenage sex creature and will kill others or herself if she doesn't have a romantic relation with some boy and "get it" even if others are 'doing it".

I believe the downside risk of a boyfriend(s) outweighs the so-called positive effects of having a boyfriend.

--- One thing's for sure, my daughter will not be passed around like a joint while she's in high school.

What stress???

Yes the high school years can be stressful for teenagers not mentally prepared.

She's being conditioned as we speak to understand that she does not need to have a boyfriend in high school - that's all.

She may not be crazy about it but she'll learn to live with it and if she approaches it correctly it won't be a really big deal.

She's being taught about peer pressure.

She's being taught about the concept of "over rebelling" against parental authority and especially its pitfalls.

BTW...

I've knew at least 3 girls in high school that did not have boyfriends in high school and they turned out OK.

All 3 also went to our Jr. & Senior proms and graduated from college.

BTW...

My nice went through the same thing...

... and she turned out OK.

I have talked with my nice about it and she said at first she didn't like it but after witnessing the "carnage"...

... of the so-called romantic relationships of her female peers she really didn't mind "missing out".

So I have living proof that it's not the worst thing in the world for my daughter.

Since you're such an expert on this subject...

...please tell me the percentage chance of a severely negative outcome in the life of my daughter because of this "no boyfriend in high school" strategy we plan to pursue.

Negative outcomes would be....

- suicidal? ( while in high school ) ( how about after high school?? )

- super out of control freak - once out of high school??

- secret rebellious super-freak while in high school??

- unable to have decent relationships later in life, just because she didn't date in high school?

- self hater, who likes being used and abused by dudes the rest of her life??

Did I miss any??

Oh yea, dad hater.

If she's going to piss on our graves and actually hate us over this, ...

...then we would have failed in my mission to raise a normal, "rational", thoughtful person who can support herself emotionally and financially.

Tell me Sal, I'd love to know the chances IYHO, of my daughter turning out...

... "all ______ up" in the head because of this policy.

TL

Gotta disagree, I don't mean this against you, but it just sounds typical of a the "strict" parents I knew when growing up... and damn near every single one of those kids come 18 or when leaving for college went bat **** crazy (whether that be sex with multiple people a day lol, drugs, binge drinking. partying 24/7, and in general not speaking to their parents like quite a few friends I knew did and to this day 10 years later quite a few still rarely speak to their parents).

Vs my sis and I and others I know that were raised by non-strict and open parents where, and as you can see by responses in this thread, don't have issues etc. Part of being a teen is growing up and learning from your mistakes.

You may think what your doing is for her own good, but I think it's safe to say (hell there have even been studies on this and shows even) that parents that raise kids in this strict manor for the "kids own good" ends up completely backfiring eventually, usually with a resentment against parents. You have to be understanding and open (you were young once too), not make the kid feel like their chastised and on lock down.

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Bekah Howard

13 years ago

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

I don't see how someone can miss what they never had and what's going to be defined as not a big deal in her mind.

I'm shocked honestly that you don't even recognize this feeling... Here's a harmless (and non-peer pressured) example. I wasn't allowed to have my ears pierced until I was 16 (originally). My parents both assured me it wasn't that great, no big deal. All this did was make me desperately want it. I even went out and bought earrings (both real and magnetic) because I wanted it that bad. I considered piercing them myself (you know, ice, apple/potato, and needle). My mom gave in when I was 14 (because my sister got hers done at 14 with friends... 16 was the rule for her too). Less than a month later I really didn't even care that I had pierced ears. In fact I actually let my ears heal closed for about a year at when I was 16. This is something that my friends didn't all have and I had no hormones pushing me towards. Now multiply that by at least five and you have how I felt about dating.

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

It's not like she'll get possessed by some type of teenage sex creature and will kill others or herself if she doesn't have a romantic relation with some boy and "get it" even if others are 'doing it".

I believe the downside risk of a boyfriend(s) outweighs the so-called positive effects of having a boyfriend.

--- One thing's for sure, my daughter will not be passed around like a joint while she's in high school.

You are automatically assuming that your daughter is not going to have lasting or committed (not meaning sexual) relationships. Maybe you should focus on teaching her how to have a positive relationship instead of banning it (and making her want it more).

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

She's being conditioned as we speak to understand that she does not need to have a boyfriend in high school - that's all.

She may not be crazy about it but she'll learn to live with it and if she approaches it correctly it won't be a really big deal.

She's being taught about peer pressure.

She's being taught about the concept of "over rebelling" against parental authority and especially its pitfalls.

You are - Conditioning - your daughter. Maybe this is a poor choice of words, but if not, it definitely concerns me.

Anyway, my parents taught me about the pitfalls of over rebelling as well. I was disappointed in friend's/family's decisions to do so throughout my life. However, I didn't even realize I was rebelling much until later. It felt natural. After all, I was past the "magical age of restriction". I was just making my own decision. That was all I felt at the time.

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

Negative outcomes would be....

- suicidal? ( while in high school ) ( how about after high school?? )

How can you know she will ever make it that far? Not to freak you out, but I was on the brink of committing suicide for 2 years (not just depressed, but literally on the brink). The only reason I didn't kill myself is because a neighbor had a few years before, and I got to watch first hand what it did to his mother. My love for my mother kept me alive. Don't take away that lifeline.

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

- secret rebellious super-freak while in high school??

Yes. And beyond high school. My openness with my Dad has improved by leaps and bounds over the last few years (especially since I got married), but I still don't tell him everything. For example, he thinks I quit drinking completely (because I did until I was 21), but I still occasionally enjoy alcohol. He would never even dream that to be the case. It might not seem like a big deal to most, but this is something that would disappoint him a great deal.

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

- unable to have decent relationships later in life, just because she didn't date in high school?

Well, she'll definitely be behind anyone else her age/maturity level. She'll adjust, but she will most likely be hurt or used during that adjustment. Once again, this view comes from experience.

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

Did I miss any??

Oh yea, dad hater.

If she's going to piss on our graves and actually hate us over this, ...

...then we would have failed in my mission to raise a normal, "rational", thoughtful person who can support herself emotionally and financially.

First off, "dad hater" is not the right phrase. I love my dad. I always have. However, I have resented him, been hurt by his decisions, and have felt cut off from him. Overall, I have a wonderful dad. He tried to keep thinks open between us. My feelings are what cut him off.

Second, if you think that rebellion means someone is not rational or thoughtful, think again. It is a natural reaction to hurt. If you won't reconsider, be ready for the consequences in 5-8 years if not sooner.

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Jay_Selders

13 years ago

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

BTW...

I've knew at least 3 girls in high school that did not have boyfriends in high school and they turned out OK.

All 3 also went to our Jr. & Senior proms and graduated from college.

What you also didn't look at is the hundreds of others girls that had boyfriends in high school.

Very few, if any of them are now hookers, lesbians, gold diggers, or druggies.

And I'd bet you they had a much more exciting and fun time in high school.

When I was in high school there was one girl that also had parents who controlled her and wouldn't let her do a lot.

She didn't have many friends (like 4 maybe) and you can see she wanted to be like everyone else, but she knew she couldn't. I felt bad for her.

Jay.

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finzguy 13 years ago

I have a 7yo daughter and have had to think about this situation a lot.

Decided I would rather give her a good foundation of love, communication and honesty to help get her ready for being an adult.

I don't think taking away social situations and sending her to college socially immature will help at all.
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Bekah Howard

13 years ago

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

Of all the comments, only 2 maybe four people have told me that I'm not crazy.

The wife and I have thought this over long and hard and I know it's going to be tough on her but she can do it.

TL, one of the reasons people are "fighting" you on this is that they want the best for you AND your daughter. Yes, this will make life less stressful for you in that you don't have to worry where she is and what she is doing with her boyfriend. But Yes, this will make your daughter feel caged in.

The most likely outcome I can see (looking at the bright side) is that she will master the art of being "two people" (not two-faced necessarly) like I did. In my case, one person was the good-girl daughter who for the most part agreed with my dad's reasoning for his rules, and let people know I would follow it. This was the only me at least 90% of people saw. They all thought I was the dream daughter they wanted. I've already shared it a previous post that this was not the case

The other me was the girl who resented her dad for not letting me make decisions. I almost never acted on this (mostly because of social expectations and that my father was a pastor), but i definitely thought about it a lot. I made plans that the minute I turned 21 (if not sooner) I would start drinking. Why? Drinking was not permitted in my family. I planned to date around in College, or to just mess around. Why? I wasn't allowed to date.

All I did was put off my rebellion until my father couldn't say anything about it, then I ignored almost everything he said. I don't want this for you and your daughter. It damages your relationship for years beyond her "magical 18th birthday".

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

When she turns 18 her life is her own.

But I hope she agrees to...

...no marriage until she graduates from college & her potential hubby must have a degree also - unless he's proven he knows how to earn a very good living otherwise.

Two things here:

First, how do you plan to even ask her to agree? I went to college for one reason only - my parents told me my whole life that I was going to college and that I was paying for it myself. Also, I was either going to go to community college and live at home, or go to a private Christian school. Thanks to this ingrained expectation, I got out of college with way more in college debt then I care to admit (despite getting every academic scholarship and grant possible) and a degree that requires years of experience, masters credits, and over a year of certification testing (after the experience and masters credits) to make a real living with.

Also, I personally think that the idea of not marrying in college (or needing a college degree) is ridiculous. I married after my Junior (3rd) year of college. My husband had just dropped out, and when we got married we only had $500 (including our wedding money) to our name to pay our rent, hook-up costs at a new place, and buy house-hold necessities. It taught us to rely on each-other. It brought us even closer, and I don't regret it at all.

Long story short, hardship helps shape us into strong adults, and heartbreak is one of those hardships. Also, things that seem like the "right" decision from a parents viewpoint and hurt the children in the long run. How you raise your daughter is your choice, but you should look beyond what will make her teen years go "smoothly".

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sdk1975

13 years ago

I have a young daughter, so I can relate to the emotions involved. But if you are overly strict and repress the natural desire to date and have boyfriends, you may be in for worst things through rebellion. I think the best way is to foster a healthy open relationship, tell them how you feel in a respectful manner and more often than not they will turn out okay.

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thunderbird

13 years ago

She'll probably turn out just fine, however you raise her. She'll know her parents love and care about her, and that is the most important thing.

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AmandaT

13 years ago

While restrictions are important, this really is just asking for trouble. My sister was told she couldn't date until she was 18. She wasn't allowed anywhere unless driven by a parent... had all of those types of rules you mentioned.

She is 16 and pregnant. Why? She rebelled against the rules. She met a guy at school, had sex with him at school, and now is pregnant and totally wild. Children will rebel if you don't give them some freedoms.

Set restrictions, talk to them, be part of their life so that when they do start dating they will talk to you.

My sister didn't go anywhere without a parent. My father drove her to her friend's houses where he would speak to their parents to double check the plans. Everything was planned out so she would be supervised. She went nuts. Now she is 16 and her life is changing fast. On top if it all she ended up doing several different drugs so she is going to be sent of to a treatment center.

Look on the other side where my mom set reasonable restrictions and worked on fostering communication... I had my first boyfriend at 15... we didn't have sex until we were married at 19. I went to college, stayed motivated... sure I got a little upset when I could only go on dates on Friday and Saturday nights and had a curfew and had to keep my bedroom door open when he came over after school, but the fact my mom didn't stop me from seeing him altogether kept me from rebelling.

Balance is everything!

This isn't to say your heart isn't in the right place... but know that these rules are going to get harder and harder to enforce... my brother was given the same rules as my sister and he is 16 and moving out of the house to get away from them. They will be lucky to ever see him again...

Another point... if they don't get a chance to experience things like dating and heartbreak in their teenage years, when they have parents to fall back on... what happens when they are out in the real world and need to make things work? Teenagers need a chance to safely experience life and make mistakes so they know how to handle things when they are out on their own.

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TLTheLiberator

13 years ago

Originally Posted by AmandaT

While restrictions are important, this really is just asking for trouble. My sister was told she couldn't date until she was 18. She wasn't allowed anywhere unless driven by a parent... had all of those types of rules you mentioned.

She is 16 and pregnant. Why? She rebelled against the rules. She met a guy at school, had sex with him at school, and now is pregnant and totally wild. Children will rebel if you don't give them some freedoms.

Set restrictions, talk to them, be part of their life so that when they do start dating they will talk to you.

My sister didn't go anywhere without a parent. My father drove her to her friend's houses where he would speak to their parents to double check the plans. Everything was planned out so she would be supervised. She went nuts. Now she is 16 and her life is changing fast. On top if it all she ended up doing several different drugs so she is going to be sent of to a treatment center.

Look on the other side where my mom set reasonable restrictions and worked on fostering communication... I had my first boyfriend at 15... we didn't have sex until we were married at 19. I went to college, stayed motivated... sure I got a little upset when I could only go on dates on Friday and Saturday nights and had a curfew and had to keep my bedroom door open when he came over after school, but the fact my mom didn't stop me from seeing him altogether kept me from rebelling.

Balance is everything!

This isn't to say your heart isn't in the right place... but know that these rules are going to get harder and harder to enforce... my brother was given the same rules as my sister and he is 16 and moving out of the house to get away from them. They will be lucky to ever see him again...

Another point... if they don't get a chance to experience things like dating and heartbreak in their teenage years, when they have parents to fall back on... what happens when they are out in the real world and need to make things work? Teenagers need a chance to safely experience life and make mistakes so they know how to handle things when they are out on their own.

Thanks for the insights.

Boy, you two sisters took two entirely different approaches to this situation.

You had a boyfriend at 15 and didn't do anything until you were married at 19.

That's fantastic & also congratulations are in order.

I'm sorry to hear about your sisters' trials and tribulations.

I think the fact that you were allowed to date but not your sister had a whole lot to do with her rebellion.

My question is why the unfairness?

Anyways...

We're sticking to our guns and have already started the "conditioning" of our daughter to be prepared for no boyfriends during high school and until she's of age.

I talk to her a lot about "when she gets a bit older" what to look out for and how to react towards the opposite sex. ( for all that's worth )

We sincerely believe the downside is much uglier and more probable than the upside of her having a boyfriend during high school...

...or even worse, worse yet, "many" boyfriends during high school ...

... is simply not something we want our daughter to experience.

Her time will come - but not during high school.

Thanks again for the insights.

All The Best!!

TL

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AmandaT

13 years ago

Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator

Thanks for the insights.

Boy, you two sisters took two entirely different approaches to this situation.

You had a boyfriend at 15 and didn't do anything until you were married at 19.

That's fantastic & also congratulations are in order.

I'm sorry to hear about your sisters' trials and tribulations.

I think the fact that you were allowed to date but not your sister had a whole lot to do with her rebellion.

My question is why the unfairness?

I was raised by my mother, my sister is from my dad's second marriage. My dad was very strict while my mother found it was more important to teach and trust me and be there to support me if I made a mistake.

You can teach them all about peer pressure and prepare them for these strict rules all you want... but your daughter is still going to want to be like all of the other girls in school. Personally, I don't plan on letting my kids go on actual dates until they are 16. Rules will be in place. More than likely I will be super strict at first, giving them more room to move around as I trust them... but that is the thing... being too strict is just showing you don't trust your daughter, which is something you should be able to do!

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jasssy23

13 years ago

Oh wow...I think its all up to trust. Because I'm 16 and I'm allowed to go out with my friends, drive, and stuff, but of course its rules and stuff. But I think that's how all parents act, because my dad is like this.

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HorseStall

13 years ago

My experience is that my 15 year old son had a girlfriend for 1 month, decided "it was expensive and way too much work". He decided he wanted no part of that and hasn't dated since (now 17). Much easier than forbidding something, let them learn on their own (within certain boundaries).

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TLTheLiberator

13 years ago

Originally Posted by HorseStall

My experience is that my 15 year old son had a girlfriend for 1 month, decided "it was expensive and way too much work". He decided he wanted no part of that and hasn't dated since (now 17). Much easier than forbidding something, let them learn on their own (within certain boundaries).

What a story.

Maybe you son didn't hit "paydirt" because if he had, I suspect he'd still be dealing with girls.

Letting my daughter "learn on her own" even with boundaries has way too many possible negatives verses the so-called positives - IMHO.

Thanks,

TL

Ps. If we had a boy the rules would be the same.

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Patrician

13 years ago

I have to agree with all the people who know with the current restrictions that your daughter will sneak and go wild when she does get out of jail. She may also be attracted to a bad crowd - bad boys, people with problems, and misfits, in an effort to rebel (and may not otherwise do so).

I was one of those girls myself. I always felt different - and to this day I always feel different. I resented my mother - essentially being deprived of any sort of a close relationship with a primary 'role model' - to this day.

Not only did I go wild when I turned 18, I raised my son with not enough structure - in a effort never to do to him what was done to me. But this was also wrong. It was a kind of neglect actually. Kids do need structure. They shouldn't be allowed to just do whatever they want to do.(although he never got in serious trouble or got anybody pregnant).

I certainly don't know what the answer is but a few observations that you might consider. Some of the coolest kids I have ever seen these days are Christian kids who take a written oath not to have sex until they marry. This alone is not what makes them cool, but if you think about it just having a purpose or being driven in a positive direction is right.

They have little 'square' parties and functions as a group of like-minded kids - they actually go to church and the structure and support is through there. These kids are diametrically the opposite of any kids I ever knew when I was growing up and maybe that's why I think they are so awesome.

I think there must be a way to 'guide' your child without imprisoning her and completely alienating her from yourself as well as the world. There has to be a way for them to respect and trust your judgment and I am sure that it has to be mutual...

Good luck.

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13 years ago

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sicnarf

13 years ago

There are too many things wrong with this story. Why did the parents allow this? What's a 16 year old doing with a 51 year old man instead of guys her age? What's up with a 51 year old man wanting to marry an immature 16 year old? Just wrong!

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thunderbird 13 years ago

Whatever you do, whatever boundaries you set, I think the worst thing parents can do is dismiss their child's feelings and opinions due to their "being too young to know better" or whatever other reason. That can be very damaging and a huge source of resentment for years, if not a lifetime. In other words, don't just talk, but respectfully listen to your child or teenager as well.
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merereilly

13 years ago

More strict the parents ==> more likely the daughter is to rebel

(Speaking from personal experience)

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alovingparent

13 years ago

i would lower that age just a tad bit. I let my son date when he turned 16 and he turned out fine!

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Rose Anderson

13 years ago

I was raised in a strict home. My dad was a fundementalist preacher. My sister ran away and got married as soon as she turned 18. The guy was a complete jerk and wife beater and she went through 8 years of hell before finally leaving him.

But I have to give my dad credit, he learned from his mistake and raised me completely different (I was 12 years younger). I didn't run wild and had rules...but he was much more balanced. He and I talked about many things that my sister would never have talked to him about. He passed away last year and I'll always miss him. I'm glad for the relationship he and I had, but I'm sad my sister didn't get the same chance.

There is a balance you must reach to keep any communication open. The fact that you tell her she "can't" have a boyfriend will only make her want have one more.

I went to a fundementalist college where the kids were all going wild. Why? Because they were "told what to do" instead of being taught how to make the right choices and that choices have consequences. And the consequences need to be other than "I'll get in trouble with dad". All that means is when dad's not around then do whatever you want.

Within a span of around ten years a child goes from having all her decisions made for her to having the legal right to make ALL her own choices. Some time during those years you have to teach them gradually to make those choices correctly. If you make them all she'll reach 18 and know nothing except having someone else tell her what to do. What kind of husband does that set her up for?

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Michael Mayo

13 years ago

TL, I only read your OP and Sal's reply.
My Grandmother was married at the age of 13. That weireded me out but the results
proved to be a good thing. My father passed a while back and I'm here. What can
I say negative about that?

If that didn't happen then I wouldn't exist!

To add fuel to the fire, I married my wife when I was 17yrs old. We've now been
Happily Married for more than 31 years.

My point, It's what you make it.

If you want something bad enough then go get it. (Yes, as a parent of two children, I
know that option sucks...lol) Life/Time continues and you have to adjust for it.

Keep them/her under your wing as long as you can. When it hurts you to maintain
that position, let the rope out slowly.......and make her accountable for the results.

Never Ever make her the Cause. Metaphorically speaking, Only give her enough rope
to almost hang herself.

Good Luck,
Have a Great Day!
Michael

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espe

13 years ago

If you prohibit her to have a boyfriend, she will probably end up with one because you are telling her "not to do so" and kids are that way they do the opposite that you tell them.

just my two cents

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Liam Murray

13 years ago

She's her own person let her make her choices. The more rules you set, the more likey she will rebel.

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Rose Anderson

13 years ago

I've thought about this thread a lot. Probably because my daughter is 19 so I've just lived through the teen years.

One of the most terrifying moments in parenthood is looking at your child and realizing that the sweet little controllable ten year old is gone forever. In her place is a smart, self-confident, and very OPINIONATED 16 year old. You can set rules, you can issue punishments, you can beg and scream, but they will do what they choose to do in the end.

But......it's also the most rewarding moment in parenthood when you see them make a right choice. Or even make a bad one and then backtrack and correct their own actions. Not because you forced them, but because that's the person they've become. And when they actually come and ASK you for advice even though they're now 19...that is a great feeling.

You have many exciting years ahead of you TL. My best wishes to you and your family

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Viramara

13 years ago

LOL, my first boyfriend (and my last! because we'll marry soon

) was when I was 21. I really thank and am grateful to my parents they're so strict about me having boyfriend in teenager

. I don't mind, because books are always better than boys

but my boyfriend is like a walking library so we fit well.

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