My 4-Year-Old Son, Class Trouble-Maker

The best wrestler at my high school - number 2 in State for his weight - did not work
out with the weights. He worked out on them. Climbed around like on a jungle gym.

I had only to spank my son twice and he stopped all that nonsense. I made sure he knew not to upset me.

Bonnie

Social situations. Hah. Can sooo relate.

Sometimes kids are just wired differently.... and you have to find out what works best for *them*.

In situations where the behaviour is negative, you need to ensure negative consequences are received. ie, starts tapdancing in group singing, he's removed from participating and either put in the corner or put in a different room. No yelling, no drama rewards - simple cause and effect.

The martial arts class - that's a bit of a trigger for me. It's EXTREMELY disrespectful to the senseis to allow one's kids to misbehave. It's an honor to learn martial arts. If the kid misbehaves, take the kid outside the dojo to miss the class and then bring in kid to apologize to the sensei.

About mixing things that don't normally go together, *that* is something to foster. Creative out-of-the-box thinking is unique and can provide quite the edge as the kids grow up.

I used to tell my kids, there are times when thinking out in left field is appropriate.

And there are times where it is NOT and you toe the line and you do what is expected because that's what our society expects.

Do NOT be your child's friend. They have enough friends. Be someone far more important... be their parent. Be the one who enforces the boundaries so they are secure and know what to expect.

Parenting is a hero's journey - best of skill!

since when is sand and water not supposed to go together... ever been to the beach?

holding your body weight whilst swinging like a monkey on a punching bag... hard work and great exercise!

maybe their singing was a bit off so he decided to add some background beats to the mix?

sounds like a 4 year old being himself and exploring... being curious and experimental and soaking it all in... it's all good

The challenge with "kids just being kids" is if you never teach boundaries, you end up with situations like

Police: Dozens Of Students Arrested After Senior Prank At Teaneck High School Goes Awry « CBS New York

It's MUCH easier to teach kids good behaviors when they're younger as opposed to dealing with teens who were never taught boundaries in the first place.

I personally hate the excuse: Kids are just being kids.

Lots of times that's a justification for poor behavior that ruins experiences for other kids.

Boys are just being boys (when they tease/bully).

Girls are just being girls (when they cyberbully).

But we all have our ways of parenting. What works best for one might not for another.

If when he's older he cannot focus as required in school, get him tested for visual-spatial issues, learning styles, etc.etc.etc.etc.

It's not a negative whatsoever.

But knowing the best ways one child learns - that's priceless. Some kids require additional help (ie, peer notes, sitting in the front center row, being allowed to take photos of the blackboard for study assistance, etc.etc.etc.).

And if you have tests done, you then have a case to request additional resources from the school.

As a side note, I found

18 Things Highly Creative People Do Differently

fascinating. My personal favorite skill listed there:

They always connect the dots.

Always cherish the creativity. My kid who was tested... turns out said kid is the most carbon-copy of me out of all of my children.

If only I had known (okay my folks) back when I was a kid.... things might have been a bit different.

'Twas quite character-building to connect *those* dots, aye?

Adam, I have been following your threads on your son. His behavior is uncannily like my younger daughter at 4 years old. This is from being disruptive in every playgroup to flashes of creativity and intelligence. It could be that your son is a gifted child who quickly becomes bored. But there could be something else such as hyperactivity. In my daughter's case, she was diagnosed as having Asperger 's syndrome as well as being gifted and hyperactive.

However, she is a terror at home as well as at school. Some of it has to do with intense jealousy of her older sister who is autistic. She is 10 now but continues to stand out at school as probably the naughtiest in her year. Her biggest problem was doing her homework. We have also noticed that her circle of friends have grown smaller and smaller. A couple of years ago, she performed badly at school and was given an IQ test. She scored 147 which was one of the highest ever seen at her school. She continued not doing that well in her exams until the last set. That was when she suddenly shot up and came first in Maths in her year and also did well in other subjects. But she continues to be a terror at home.

I think her problems are made by her school which is known for promoting gifted children. They push children as far as possible academically and I just cannot believe how difficult their syllabus is. It is the homework that caused us the most problems. I thought of pulling her out several times. The only reason why we choose that school was that it was the only one that accepted her. I would really have preferred a school that focus less on academic matters and more on personal behavior.

I would recommend that you see a child psychologist and get an IQ test done at some stage. That is preferably before he enters primary school. Going to the wrong school with the wrong teaching methods can make things much worse. I would also listen to other people's advice in this thread concerning discipline. This is what child psychologists have been telling us as well. There are some situations that you should not and must not yield. Rather than growing out of it, her behavior has actually become worse in some ways.

Derek

For the first 10 years of his life, my first son was an only child. We had many of the same issues as you're having now.

First - disciplining him is very hard and not very effective when you're so far removed from the problem. Like your son, my son would behave rather well at home, and then act up when at school. At first I didn't believe it. I thought maybe something was wrong with the teacher or other kids in the class. I finally realized otherwise when his birthday came around and we had many of his classmates over for a birthday party. My son had become the class brat.

It was easily remedied though by the planning of several play dates at our house. We'd have several kids over to play, and thus we were able to discipline him as it was happening. When a kid is that young, a full day for us is probably like a week or a month to him. So waiting to discipline him after school becomes less effective.

And discipline need not involve spanking. Discipline literally means to teach. I'm not against spanking - in life threatening situations like running out into the road, I'd use it in a heartbeat. But for normal discipline (teaching) - using a spanking can teach a kid that putting your hands on someone else is a way to get them to do what you want.

Most kids will learn if you stop their behavior while it's happening and show them the right way to behave. It won't happen right away, behavior is a repetitive learning process. But you have to see it if you want to change it. Don't trust his teachers to handle it, and don't ever let them talk you into drugs without multiple opinions.

My sense is that he is a normal four year old boy.
All four year olds need teaching.

I don't agree with the MMA school being strict
about parents not parenting. They should work
with the parents. Ditto for regular schools. You
might look at other martial arts schools - maybe
the more traditional types.

I strongly agree with Gary's idea about planned
social events so he's gets used to playing with
others in a setting you can control, and parent him
as the moment dictates.

Given the comparison you made to dog whisperers,
I think you have a handle on finding avenues for
his personality and proper growth and development.

Dan

When my daughter is young it seemed like she listened to other adults more than my wife and me and that worked out great during preschool, Ty-Quon-Do classes and any other group setting.

She's now finishing up her sophomore year in high school, has super grades, is on the debating team and the theatre production staff, does not really want a boyfriend (not after witnessing all the consternation of other girls - among other things)...

... and only hangs out with friends at the movies or other functions in which some parent drops them off and picks them up -or hangs around - till they're done having their fun.

She went to Europe during this recent Easter break with about 30 classmates and about 8 teachers and saw a drug deal going down and even a gang fight in Munich.

We talked a couple times during the week but did trade a text or two each day.

Boy, was I worried - especially when I found out that the teenagers would get about 2 hours of free time every day - over there, and would not have a chaperone. (but the area they could hang out in such as downtown areas - was very limited)

Needless to say I was very happy to pick her up at the airport when the trip was over.

Most of her teachers say she seems to be wise beyond her years and she gets their jokes and references more often than most of the other students.

My only problem with her is her eating habits, no, she's not close to fat or even pleasantly plump or thick, but her choice of what she'll eat for dinner is very limited and she's also a teenage little miss know-it-all.

But she still can't beat me at Jeopardy.

Nothing personal, but I'd closely monitor your son and gently try to change his behavior because sooner or later he's going to have to "get with the program" in social settings like school etc. and the sooner the better.

All The Best To You & Yours!

TL

I appreciate the experiences and insights shared here. I am helping him correct his behavior, helping him actually understand that it is in his interest and the interest of other kids in a class (as well as the instructor, lol) not to disrupt it.

Here he is!

It's tough. You've gotta get him to understand he can't be disruptive while trying to preserve that sense of exploration and creativity. Lot's of parents completely kill the spontaneity in their kids by overreacting and end up killing their spirit. I sense you'll not do that. I think lots of nurturing daddy-son talks are in order.

We'll probably enroll our son in a Montesorri school. It would probably play out better for him with his tendency to enthusiastically and vigorously learn about things as he chooses while not responding so well when it is imposed on him by others.

I think it is a good idea. I don't think your son will adapt well in a school with conventional teaching methods. He will possibly need extra attention from teachers.

Just to show what sort of problems we are still having with our daughter. Just yesterday, she tried doing somersaults on a seat at a restaurant and started to run around. This was quite embarrassing as she was already 10 but behaving like a 3-4 year old. The manageress came round and asked us whether she was hyperactive. We nodded and the manageress than offered her a free fizzy drink if she would sit still. If she didn't, she would have to wash the dishes. My daughter sat still and got the drink. Still this was not what we would like to see as that was rewarding bad behavior. Still this has happened several times before and I suppose restaurants and planes want to deal with disruptive behavior ASAP.

On the bright side, she will be presented with an award at her school tomorrow for the most improved academically during the year. Parents of her classmates would probably be very surprised as she is known for being disruptive.

I think you've come upon the solution to your issues. Those classes are structured in such a way your kid gets extra attention and then he also learns to interact effectively with groups. Also, who wouldn't want to go to a Montesorri school?

I had some similar issues to your son once I got into a school setting. Turned out I had learning disabilities and the teachers didn't care to change their teaching styles to something that would work for me. So I was VERY disruptive. Why not? I wasn't able to follow the lessons, so was bored. With the new school you won't have that problem, they'll tailor their teaching to his learning style.